Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[Trixi]

Journaling
Spent much of my time since the 12th driving my H and SS around. Sunday night, RM wrecked his truck while driving on the ice, so I had to pick up H and RM at their work, and SS at his. H suggested we all go out to dinner, so we did.

If I didn't care for the sitch with the RM before, NOW I *really* don't like it. And my H is quite daft. There was a quiz going on at the restuarant and the question was re Eva Longoria and my H says "OMG, She's f'ing HOT". Got sorta quiet at the table and RM says "meh. she's a midget." That's not the problem. The problem was when RM says "Dude, remember on Halloween all those girls at the place?! blah blah blah" I don't know what else was said because the blood was rushing in my ears. H tried to change it to "Yeah. Heh. Remember that girl that came up to you and said she loved you? that was crazy."

Something about that ticked me off royal. Maybe it was just how stupid it was for the RM to bring it up; maybe because it just showed how unimportant I am in H's life. I can't even explain it. Maybe like this-- let's say "the guys" go out for a boys night out. And lets say there is some flirting, but nothing bad happens. Guys see signifigant other of one of the guys; if they thought the guy was truly in a R, they wouldn't bring up the boys night out in front of the girl. Right?

Next day, take H and SS to counseling. SS told counselor about alchohol being left out in the house. H says that he is "fine" with SS drinking. Counselor says to SS "are you an alchoholic?" H chimes in "No, he's not." C says pointedly to SS "Do YOU think you're an alchoholic?" SS says "Well, I have an addictive personality and once I get going, it is really hard for me to stop. So, yes, I think so." C turns to H and says "You canNOT offer him alchohol. It should be locked up." H was like "uh huh. ok." C says "no. Really. Do you get it?? He's an alchoholic. Do you understand??"
Heh-wonder what would happen if she knew about the pot. Actually, SS accidentally did say something like "RM doesn't have to worry about my Dad going into his room and taking his weed." etc etc. His dad let out a nervous laugh and tried to move the subject along. Afterwards, he told SS to be more careful to not say anything about the pot to the counselor because she could call the probation officer.
That doesn't seem right to me. I mean, if the counselor doesn't understand the entire scope, wth is the point of counseling??

SS wants to tell about the weed in the house, but is afraid she will call his probation officer. I don't think she can do that...?

SS HATES how RM has changed his dad. SS made a joke about RM being H's 'boyfriend' and H got really defensive. H told C that RM lives there because they are trying to start a band. SS wonders why he can't live somewhere else like the rest of the band members. (Good point.)

When SS first moved in, he said that he didn't think there should be weed in the house. Originally H agreed. Then SS tells RM this (why *H* didn't tell RM this is beyond me) and RM says "God! Your living here is a real PITA. I hate how you have moved in and disrupted MY life." (and he continued on from there-with a bunch of F bombs thru out.) I have seen RM say REALLY RUDE things to SS. And H never steps in.

I have been wrestling with offering to have SS move in with me. My house a bit over half the size of the other house..I don't have the financial resources. But, SS could walk to work if he worked down the road. (Not possible where he lives now.) I would have no problem with providing a clean environment....but he may be more than I can handle. And it was *H* who wanted him to come out here.

SS said "Kinda feels like Dad wants you to be my Mom when it comes to driving me around/helping out, but not when it comes to having any influence on my living conditions....but I'm sure it's not really like that." Keen observation on his part.
Also said "Seems like Dad holds RM in higher esteem than he does you."

Yesterday H IM'd me lyrics to a song he's writing. Wanted to know what I thought; if I could help him get it to flow better. It basically was about all his ups and downs and how he has gone off in certain directions, made bad choices, but he's coming back around. The final verse was to the affect of 'don't you know that I love you? I want to be here forever.' etc. (Don't want to post the "real" lyrics out on the web.) The basic gist was that he left and came back. Anyway, that last verse made me bawl my eyes out.

I said "Honestly, the last verse made me cry. I would give my left nut (if I had one) to have that said to me. I am sure many people will be able to relate." and you know what he said "Your left nut, huh? Why is it always the left one?" I answered back because most are right handed and still want easy access to play with it. ha ha. sigh.

Ever since reading that verse, I have been in a really bad state of mind. Crying on and off. It's like looking at candy thru a glass case and not getting to have any. The longing that it brought out in me is palpable. He DOES have it in him. and he won't give it to ME. The song was auto-biographical; I want that last verse to be for me.