D17 came home in tears. She said that her mom accused her of making her look like a liar. D17 said that last week her mom asked her if she had any plans for Xmas eve and she said she figured she'd spend a quiet evening with her boyfriend. No mention was made of the dinner when the question was asked.
Soooo, W was using that as her excuse to not go. Dumped all the 'trouble' on D17 for telling W's dad she had no plans.
She said she hates Christmas and doesn't understand why everything is her fault. I said "No, it's not that everything is your fault D17, it's that in W's mind NOTHING is your moms fault. You didn't do anything wrong."
And the final insult. W sent me one last text: "Good Night"
Frank, it's not that your w is insulting you with "good night", it's that she's clueless and chooses to remain so for now. Why on earth would she want to look at herself and the costs of her choices, when she can avoid that? You cannot make her look at it. The more you try, the more she blames others, even your D17, for... whatever. The holidays remind her that there might be something NOT so great down the road...someone might Not feel as close to her...she might lose something...YES --at this time of year there's an inkling in the WAS's mind that something might be amiss, perhaps their fantasy of how insulated from harm everyone is...gets shaken a bit. But it is YOU and YOUR CHRISTMAS we care about and those are the only things YOU have ANY control over. Lose the concern about your w feelings or doings as you have NO control over it. May as well worry and obsess about snowfall in the area. Instead, plan a NEW thing this holiday. The first Christmas without h, I planned a short, 3-4 day ski trip a few hours away. What a blast! It was scary to get there in a blizzard and I don't know how we made it, without h in the car and not knowing how to put chains on, but I got us there and found the cabin and started a fire and had some food and the next few days were gorgeous and we snowboarded and skiied and had a great time. Last year, d11 said, she hoped we'd go skiing again as "WE ALWAYS GO SKIING AT CHRISTMAS..." wth? The great news is two fold; kids find a "family tradition" in just one year, so you can create fun new ones without your W, and she won't be part of the memory. That's not being punitive, it's being healthy and celebrating the family you DO have.
I also took the kids to Italy later that year, for our 25th anniversary, since H only had a few days off from his Alaskan dream job, he would not be able to go. The trip was something I THOUGHT "we" had been planning but it turned out not to be that important to h, and at that time, our M wasn't important to h compared to his dream job. But the trip mattered a lot to me. And I'm so glad I went and took my 3 children, even S22. Felt safer with a strong guy, though I hate admitting that (being the radical women's libber that I am).
No doubt YOU have similar items/goals/dreams that you fear you've lost forever. Things you thought were important to both of you and maybe they were...but today, all you KNOW is that there are things still important to you and that YOU want to do/see/attend/learn/discover...still. You don't have to be with your W for all those dreams/goals. Or any of them. Not all of them require her presence.
I didn't want the kids to see me alone or sad on my anniversary again. So I did it for them as well. H had put trips off for years, as too expensive, or he couldn't get the time off, blah blah blah finally I stopped letting him prevent ME from doing things that were important to me. YOU don't need your wife's permission to take a trip or do something new, and in reality you don't need your wife to be happy. Our kids grow up so fast I knew we were losing the chances we had at vacations together...So, We did the little ski trip without him. It gave me the confidence to do the big trip without him too. The money? I never spent money as well as I did on those trips. Given the givens, what better thing could I have spent it on? The kids talk of the memories, my littlest one thinks of skiing as a "family tradition" (and may have forgotten h wasn't there). That has lead to her also asking about trips and activities without h in a good way, meaning that she knows we have a family and sometimes not all the elements are there but we still have fun regardless of whether h is present.
Frank, You can take your d's (and D17's boyfriend? w/ the guys in one room, girls in the other, just an idea) and go somewhere that is fun and distractingly entertaining...or DO something totally new or just Not associated with previous family gatherings. For one, I want to go bungee jumping as soon as the weather allows. Also hang gliding- and so do the kids. Why not? Frankd--check out the Bridge to Nowhere for bungee jumping, it's not that far from L.A.
You still have a family Frankd, and you must cherish it. It's a gift and don't put a cloud of gray over it so that your d's hang out b/c they pity you. Their sense of duty and loyalty to you is touching and to be appreciated, but not squandered. D17 will be out of the house sooo soooooon. Help them to be happy around you and you'll find that you are also happier. You're a good enough parent to know that's true. We all know if our child is really sad or very sick, we cannot be happy. But the reverse applies too; if our child is having a super great day - wins an award and has one of those wonderful highs of growing up -- they star in a show or make the winning point in the game, or go to the prom, or just feel unusually popular some week, we feel it too, so ENJOY that with them...
Frank, you have written some provocative pieces of manhood on this board. I went back to an old one of yours that I read over a year ago. Back then, I bought a book I think you who suggested, called "Wild at Heart." It was about what it means to be a man, deep down, and how different we women are. You DO have the knowledge to improve your sitch, I mean, you know in your head what to do. You know that where the head goes, the heart will follow, eventually. Keep your head on straight and do the work you know you have to do. Basically, practice what you've preached and in a year you'll be posting on this board from a very different perspective.
IF you practice what you preached, one of two things will be in your posts a year from now. You will be well entrenched in the new life you create. That will mean you will either be in a new R with someone truly worth your time, your intelligence, and your heart, OR you will be fully embracing your freedom from pain, freedom from old restraints, exploring new ways of living fully and with JOY and engaging with your daughters from a position of optimistic strength, OR you will be doing a combo of all these. I vote for "all the above".
That is what I hope for you this coming year. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Start a new tradition with your girls. It will feel liberating. And from now till Christmas cut off all communication with your W. Really, what do you have to talk about? She can deal with the girls directly. For once, DO NOT RESPOND to any calls, texts, emails. BE BUSY.
Hugs, Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Thanks yet again 25. I will practice what I preach.
W came over this morning for the daily school stuff. I heard her get into it with D17 again but I think she backed off.
I had to get up earl to do some work and I just said 'hello' as I walked by her. If she calls I won't answer the phone.
She made this life for herself and by just witnessing the way she interacts with my D's, which by the way has always been this way even before the bomb, it shows me the kind of emotionally damaged woman she is. You cannot change someone else. You can show them the way, you can give them support. I did that 3 years ago during her affair. She didn't take the opportunity to really grow. I didn't take the opportunity to heal.
I sit in this stupid office and just wonder why my wild heart has been locked up for so long.
I've had it with this wallowing. This has never been 'me'.
If you've already read it Frank, I suggest re-reading.
Quote:
The core of a man’s heart is undomesticated and that is good. “I am not alive in an office,” as one NorthFace ad has it. “I am not alive in a taxi cab. I am not alive on the sidewalk.” Amen to that. Their conclusion? “Never stop exploring.”
Adventure, with all its requisite danger and wildness, is a deeply spiritual longing written into the soul of man. The masculine heart needs a place where nothing is prefabricated, modular, nonfat, zip lock, franchised, on-line, microwavable. Where there are no deadlines, cell phones, or committee meetings. Where there is room for the soul. Where, finally, the geography around us corresponds to the geography of our heart
Tell me that, as a man, you can read that and NOT want to beat your chest and scream at the top of your lungs....YES!
This is what ALL of us need. And it's a great place to start.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Yes, I have it and read it. I need to read it again.
I've lived that life. Climbed mountains, slept in the snow. 4WD camping in the middle of nowhere. Explored mines in Death Valley, climbed Half Dome in Yosemite. Learned Paragliding. Been all over Europe in my youth.
Somewhere I lost that spirit. I'm going to read it again.
I'm going to respectfully submit that you challenge your IC to challenge you.
How long have you been seeing him/her?
Seems like if I took my car to a mechanic over and over again and it still came back with the same problems, I'd go find another mechanic. He might be a great, understanding, friendly guy, but if my car never runs any better, I'm the one losing out.
I've lived that life. Climbed mountains, slept in the snow. 4WD camping in the middle of nowhere. Explored mines in Death Valley, climbed Half Dome in Yosemite. Learned Paragliding. Been all over Europe in my youth.
Frank, I too had done similar things during my 20'and 30's. As middle aged (near 50 year old) guys, remember that we break much easier - I would think seriously about not starting with the Paragliding off mountains.
BTW... I have heard the the 50's for a man is supposed to be the best!
