Praying For Us Every Day!

[still hopeful]

sunshine,

I cannot stress this enough to you...read/re-read Divorce Busting and The Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner-Davis. A ton of marriage saving strategies are available in these two books, and yes, you marriage is worth fighting for and saving... even at this point.

While I am certainly no MLC expert, your XH certainly exhibits many of the classic symptoms. The Divorce Remedy has an entire chapter devoted to "Surviving His Midlife Crisis" which is quite informative, of which much of it you would find useful. Additionally, in Divorce Busting you will read about (1) Solution-Oriented Brief Therapy, (2) It Takes One to Tango: Change your Marriage by Changing Yourself, (3) Making a Habit of it: Identifying Patterns That Work, (4)Breaking the Habit: Interrupting Destructive Patterns, and most importantly (5) Make Yourself Happy for a Change (<-- will help you, of course, but will assist him in remembering how attractive you were to him before his current crisis, whatever it is).

The main focus in working to resurrect you M is YOU, not him! The Divorce Remedy tells you in Chapter 2, to Start with a Beginner's Mind when it comes to what you think you know about M. The next most important chapter for me was learning that I have the ability to change the destructive/hurtful patterns of our interactions by myself because all communication is circular, meaning that your interactions are inextricably linked without you or him deciding to change the dynamics that are NOT working presently. The next thing that I found extremely useful was the direction to Stop Going Down Cheeseless Tunnels, meaning to stop doing things that are not working expecting a different result just because I WANT a different result.

Sunshine, I have given you a dimestore synopsis of DB and DR and quickly reviewed what I found useful in Michelle's books. Mind you, I am still fighting to reconcile my M and my XW makes the prospect of my efforts being successful look bleak, at best. I do know this: ONE of us fighting to reconcile our M is one more than would be working to do so should I give up. Many days the extent of my efforts is to simply still keep myself open to the prospect of reconciling. I've worked to improve myself and re-learn what is important to me as an individual. I have focused on my children and worked to keep myself busier with others so that my focus is less on my XW and more on me.

I have also solidified and strengthened my faith in my Lord. I know that I never walk alone when I am with Him. I know that He sometimes scoops me up in His arms and carries when my body is too weary to carry itself, ala the Footprints poem. I put my trust in Jesus, talking to Him daily and praying for Him to help me know His will and help me to bend my will to His, not the other way around as has been the case much of my life.

If you are a woman of faith, lean on your fellow sisters in your faith. Single sex fellowship is in your best interest right now. You may find a divorce recovery group. You may find a Celebrate Recovery (Christian based, google it for one in your area) chapter to participate in which help people to get over their hang-ups, habits and addictions which make their life unmanageable. DB offers counseling sessions to assist you in your reconciliation walk. You can always seek out a counselor in your area, either secular or one in your faith, to assist you.

I will keep reading your thread, and I want you to work on working on YOU. Read to sharpen your mind, broaden you interests and make yourself much more learned and interesting. Seek fellowship with other women who will sympathize with your plight. The more beneficial activities your are able to find and plug into, the better for you focus on someone/something other than your emotionally absent XW. Focus on your attitude, what you CHOOSE to do and what you read make you more interesting and more attractive to, not only others, but to yourself and to your XH.

BTW, to answer your question about sex and marriage, to answer Biblically, God created sex to be a union of man and woman in the bonds of matrimony. When people engage in sex outside of M, they want the pleasure of M (sex) without the roles and responsibilities of M. THAT is what your XH iw referring to.

He feels saddled or weighed down at present my the role of being a husband as well as his professional roles. He views sex with you as a leash or chain that 'burdens' him with all of the responsibilities of being a husband. He seems dissatisfied with where he is professionally at this point in his life because he feels HE IS WHAT HE DOES. Additionally, he stated he doesn't care whether others care for him or not is simply his emotional shield to protect himself from being hurt by others. I am no psychologist, but his words and actions say that he needs healing and understanding.

Best wishes,

Tom

P.S. If you have an interest in reading about my sitch, mine is on this Divorced, but... board also.