BTW...I just wanted to add that putting up the stocking was part of a lesson I want to share with my S11...that when we love someone, and love them even through our pain and sadness - and always want the best for them...even if it isn't clear that they want the best for us...I know, from many things my S11 has told me, that my W hurt him and confused him over the last few years - and I know that he feels calmer and more at peace in my home without her here...but I also know that he is a child, and there many things that are still outside of his scope - and that I can still teach him some things about love that might make more sense to him later in life...
So much of the advice I get from friends is to leave my wife, start dating, move on, etc...and I think part of it is because these friends have always seen me as a strong person that they have relied on for advice over the years - and suddenly they've seen me cry or fall apart - and they've seen a vulnerability in me that makes them angry with my W...I don't have their anger, though - rather I have a lot of compassion for my W - as I know that, despite how unbearable my pain is at times, hers is worse - even if she tries to hide it from me...and so what I want my S11 to see is that when we love someone, we can love them with their flaws and with their weaknesses - and we can even love someone as we let them go...
My son doesn't know about my W's psychological issues - and I will not talk with him about my W's past - instead I talk with him about what needs to be done for us to be happy...which reminds me of something that happened in my son's last soccer game of the regular season...
During his game, the father of one of the other players started snapping at the coach about where his son should play - the boy heard the arguments - and heard his father's anger toward him - and I saw him absorb the tension - later in the game, this boy snipped at my son and actually made my son cry...my son came up to me at the sideline during a break, and I told him just to try to talk with his teammates more on the field, and to keep playing his best - and that he and his teammate had the same goal - of winning the game - and that sometimes teammates just get excited about the game and say things they don't mean...I then encouraged him to lift his head, believe in himself and smile...he did...went back out...and played beautifully...the moment after he went onto the field the coach's wife came up to me and I turned to her and said, it's a shame that other boy's father is making things so tense for the kids...to which she said, "you knew about that, but just kept your son focused on the game, not the other boy's dad?" Without even thinking about it much I said, "that's not his drama..." I just remembered that moment tonight...and realized how much it applies to the situation in my family right now too.
