Darling I've read through once. I'm going to post my inital thoughts and then go and back and do another post.
So first of all my thought is
1. What psychologist M said is so normal - typical response. And it might be true. But something in passionate marriage strikes a different chord, and we know that its not just that B's just not that into you. All those questions - I've been through a zillion times in my own head. SO NORMAL! Does it mean anything? I dont know. I know its not truth, because on the surface H and I should have split and never talked about anything ever again, but he was open to some sort of reconciliation.... I think you have gone deeper than what M is suggesting. Dont worry about it too much - I know so hard, it rocks your world again to have to confront painful questions. You have to reprocess everything again....
2. You dont just have the option of backing away. How about this for a plan. Go to NYC and talk about how you are being pursued by other men, but you are too busy for a relationship and enjoying being selfish and single. Now for B not to see right through this you need to adapt it to what's actually happening. You can see him and reassure him that all you want to be is friends.
3. I love the Bitch book. If you have it, do a quick skim read. i know its not the best relationship book ever written. But if you are going to acknowledge that you wanted B more than B wanted you, its only because you didn't make him chase you enough. When you were in the R you did all the work, he wasn't invested in it and he lost interest. No problems. You can be a babe-in-total-control-of-herself.
Darling the other thing to start to see is what K is trying to tell you too. That if B suddenly landed on your doorstep with flower and an engagement ring, and the names picked out for your babies. You would freak out too. And you would want some space. And reconciling a relationship is hard work, and you will wonder if its worth it. I know that you still love him, and I know it hurts so badly. I think K is speaking from the place of 'you wish for something for so long, and when you get it, you wish that you could back and unwish it!'
You will know when you are ready to move on. It may just be that the long distance thing is too hard. It is out of your control though - you cant change that.
But in the meantime. Stick to the goal of the stages 1. Reduce tension - successfully completed, but you may have to revisit it. 2. Friendship - you are in this zone.
Are you OK being friends with him if that's all that if ever amounts to? Is it worth being just friends?
Its true that you cant 'play a game' - he will see through it. But also keep in mind that when you got off the phone you were semi positive about the interaction (remember he called you - you didnt pursue). And its only input from others and your own fears that have caused the nosedive. He doesn't know that at all. He could be feeling really great about talking to you. He sounded like he was looking forward to seeing you in NYC right? He doesnt have to show up if he doesnt want to see you. You arent crying and begging him to take you back. You know that the side you have shown him is the confident lovable side.
My gut feeling is that if you see him NYC, you just need to reassure him that there will be no tension, no big R talk, no emotional outpouring. How do you do that? I cant remember how firm your previous plans were with him for NYC? If they were fairly firm then you should wait as long as possible before contacting him to confirm the time and place etc. If they are unfirm, then just send him an email and tell him the best time for you, if it still suits him, but also leave this as long as possible.
Then if you do see him or talk to him on the phone then just let him know somehow that you are OK being single, not looking for a relationship with anyone at the moment. You can use my line "I just want to have fun, without any pressure". And you can use it because I know its true.
Also the other thing I'm thinking is really important
I think that real love is giving someone the space to be who they really are.
Maybe think about that for a while. And then in your interactions show him love by just letting him be who he is.
Even the bit that you wish you could change about him - the bit that isn't really comfortable in a R with you AT THIS STAGE IN HIS LIFE - can you accept that, and acknowledge that that is who he is?
Tell me how you are feeling today?
What K is saying I agree with - backing off, no contact was never going to help your situation. You stepped up, you didnt get the result you wanted, but you tried. You SO didnt overdo it. Dont question what you did - we all would have done the same. It could have so easily worked.
