What should I have done differently, over the phone? Or was this inevitable?
I have been thinking about what I would be able to say honestly to him if he confronted me the next time we meet, if it happens. If I choose to participate in some sort of big conversation.
Part of me wants to say, "look, I am amazing. I am beautiful, smart, talented, extremely loving, and hot as hell. I really care about you. But if you don't want to be close to me, what can I do? It's your loss. I have better things to do than wait around for you." Am I becoming embittered? I don't know how to process this. I miss my counselor... really bad right now!!
Another part of me says... "self... take a deep breath... we are experimenting and monitoring results... you tried something really different, and it didn't work, and that's OK. Isn't part of DB that you can screw up sometimes, and that's all right?"
If I continue to be in contact with him... I feel like I should back off and make myself unavailable. But our contact is already so sporadic. How do I pull it off under my circumstances? "Oh, I am in NYC for a week, but I can only see *you* for 15 minutes? Oh, you are busy during those 15 minutes? Too bad, maybe I"ll see you in 6 months?" Stop calling him (once a month)? Not respond to his (four-times-a-year) attempts at reaching out? What am I supposed to do here? I thought I was doing a really good job, and now I feel like I totally blew it. I guess i got some expectations up that he would *want* to see me, and that's why I feel so deflated. Could my expectations be much lower than they are right now? I am trying to be his "friend", who would tell a "friend" what he told me last night, "I wanted to know your expectations for lunch, I want to keep our relationship 'enjoyable' " ?
