Took D17 to the doctors today, she is still not feeling well coughing like crazy. I have to take her to a specialist Ear, Nose and Throat. she has been not feeling well since all this began. Since her mother moved out. I have made an appointment for the eye doctor for both me and D17. she has been complaining of headaches when she reds for a while and we did nothing. So i made an appointmnet for tomorrow. I feel powerless to heel her. I am very concerned about her health. she is not the happy girl she used to be. This causes me great pain and sadness. W never came for her mail today, so she hasn't received her letter. FaithfulH and AmyC, i have put all the insurances right, in case you were wondering, it needed to be done today, it is. This Xmas will be the emotional death of me. No signs from my father. The holiday plans are laid out, there is bitterness in this holiday, i see it and hear it, feel it and taste it. It is hard for me to put away Xmas past, it really is. I have a hard time not slipping back, but I can't and won't. The pain it causes me is to great. I am afraid to stihl it all away, because I know then I will become out of reach and touch to too many things I love. Once I stihl it away, it can never come back. He is telling me not to wander in the past, to live for the now and create these things that are mine. did either of you have the same feelings?
A question. I found myself tonight, questioning what is real in my mind. I sat talking to him in my mind, wanting to know if the path I have chosen and have taken are really His desire for me or is it just in my mind? I find myself knowing this cross was a sign, of that there can be no question. I find that I continue on this path, even the the pain is very real. I am not asking anyone if they had doubted His word, i guess I'm asking if I believe it to be his word leading me down this path, holding me to my beliefs, then doesn't it make it true? If I believe I am receiving his word, if I believe which finger this ring belongs on, if I believe that seeking out someone else is not for me, then have I now received His word that commands me to stay my path. I am seeking affirmation from those of you who have gone down this road and have heard His words. It pained me to question it, but I knew the answer already. It would appear the path to Him is paved with thorns. His words to me are mine, my strength to continue comes from me, He is the source of my strength now. I came out of my shower feeling better and ashamed that I even questioned it. But it is it normal to question your actions, is it normal to wonder why we continue on as we do, without any logical reason other than , it is right to do this to know it is His will.
Everyone doubts at times.
Everyone.
Open the Book.
Stop going off of what you think you know, or what you hear from us or even what you hear in church.
Pick up the Book.
Pray.
Read.
See what you find.
Also, I recommend picking up a copy of "The Power Of A Praying Husband".
Suck up what you can financially but don't do what she is supposed to be doing on her own. She's supposed to pay her car insurance payment to you? You think she needs reminders? She does not. You are screwing up and putting yourself in the role of parent when you remind her. BAD MOVE. She knows the payment is due. If she doesn't pay, what happens? Her coverage lapses. That's the real world. Let it lapse.
If she hasn't paid it, and it causes you financial difficulty to do so for her, drop her car.
Right now the car insurance for both vehicles is on one policy. If she doesn't pay I have to. It is direct withdrawal from my account, I saved an additional 3% doing it that way. I will set up a payment schedule for her, if she misses one, then I drop her car from the policy.
I was scared about the doubt. I knew the church was closed last night, but I had this desire to go there and just sit. really strong desire and was even going to drive down just to see if there was a chance it was open. I went right to sleep last night. Told Him I did believe with all my heart in what I am doing, what He wants me to do. Thanks for the affirmation, really needed it. Feel much better today. Thoughts about her are swimming in my head again these past few days. Happened once before, around her birthday if you remember. Don't know why, but they are there. I am finding them easy to suppress. I have a Bible in my house and I am pretty sure I know right where it is. I will be taking it out tonight. It is an older one from my grandmother's. Thinking I may be coming down with something. I think my tired and letharge are from me being sick. I'm never sick.
I have to call her this morning to get my D17 insurance card. She will be told she owes me 130 for insurance and it is due on the 19th of every month. She needs to have it in the account for me to transfer. If it is not there, then her car will be dropped from the policy.
Oh, just so you know that I know, she didn't mention in her email I copied here, that she also needs money to go out for drinks on Thursday nights, Friday nights, Saturday nights and some Sundays. Not alot, about $80 a week. Do you wanna know what I spend on average per month for self indulgence. $60.00, $15.00 a week and that is a high average.
By the way, told Him last night as I was going to bed, that I don't doubt He is speaking to me. I am not doing this because I am a sorry sort who loves emotional pain and anguish. I told Him, I know You are with me, I felt pain that I was doubting what is in my head. It was wrong to doubt, but confusion with me is upsetting. HE told me to sleep and I did, well. I slept well because I know I am not crazy, and that I am receiving His word. I am doing what is asked and expected of me. I will start journaling again tonight I think, and each night before I go to bed. I am also going to get a weekly calendar for me and D17 and hang it so we can see our schedules. I think if I see my activities scheduled, I will feel better. I am done sitting on my ass. Actually last night, I kept bopping up and doing something, back to me again, this was after my bout with doubt. He let me go off and then told me, if you believe in Me and believe My words are there for you, then it is real.
I was scared about the doubt. I knew the church was closed last night, but I had this desire to go there and just sit. really strong desire and was even going to drive down just to see if there was a chance it was open.
LonelyD,
Glad you figured out...the "church" is ALWAYS open...you don't have to go to that building. You can speak to Him whenever, wherever you are....even driving down the highway....or in the middle of a conversation with your W!
When you talk to your W about the car insurance (or anything else for that matter), let your W see Him in you....the love in your heart...not even a small sliver of retribution, unforgiveness...just the deep love!
You are doing well!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
AmyC, Just got off the phone with her. Told her I needed D17 insurance card, please leave it in your car for me. She told me if she forgets, just come in and see me. ??????????? Don't want to see you, I will be in a hurry, at lunch or break put it in your car.
Car insurance due. she asked if it was on cancellation. Amy this is the friggin 4th time I hve told her it is a direct wirthdrawal. All of my bills are paid electrically. I don't roll that way. I have no cancellation notices in my life. she says she has no money, gets paid today but wrote checks for Xmas shopping tuesday night and yesterday. I do believe her. She says she will call her Dad and borrow from him. she will call me tonight or tomorrow to let me know.
She was pushing the come and see me for the insurance card....Why????? I am making this very easy for her to be away from me.....She was very pleasant on the phone and so was I. Ended the conversation, like alwatys, just like the book preaches. I am in control of every conversation. Told her I had to go, she wanted to keep talking to me. This is not in my head, she really did. Told her I gotta go real busy. I ended it with talk to you later. Will put a letter about insurance together toda for her. She will have an option of paying me the total car insurance each month or biweekly as she gets paid. either way she will have to notify me the money is available for the insurance at either instance. If she misses it, doesn't call or what ever, I will tellher the car will be taken off the policy and she will have to get insurance on her own and re-register the car. I will put it writing, nicely. I will keep a copy in my office.
I may ask you or FaithfulH to email me. I love conversing with you tow this past week. You are both very good to me and for me. It is good talking here, but I'd love to have you guys on my emails.
She does and has. Unless she is blind toit, which most likely she is. She doesn't want to see anything in me right now, this I know because of who she is now and what is going on in her life. I have said this many times, if she looks at me and sees Me, sees who I am , sees what I am, she will see Him....This will be her undoing in the fantasy world. She may or may not be ready for that. I am night and day to her over 4-5 months.
Before, good guy, drinks gets jealous over her flirting, says mean things, losing control, no self esteem or confidence. Bomb drops, crying, whining sobbing, begging, no self esteem, no self confidence, lost, depressed. Now, confident, have self esteem, in control, happy, organized, well groomed, slim, nice person, more so than before.
Her, well she is confused, trying to still justify, drinks (parties) often, (i don't preach against it, but when I have to be single parent driving, dropping off, and all the rest, it pisses me off that she can canter through her life doing that knowing full well I can't because I am responsible)still telling herself lies about what she's going to do, with OM, and really not having much of a life. She has lost touch wth her kids, her mother, her father and well other things.
I am not what she left, I am who she left. God works in mysterious ways, I don't think I would have done what I am doing nowif this haden't happened. I think my house would be gone or on its way, I would've continued on partying, not really taken hold of me or my life because I believe I was in MLC for a while. I had the symptoms, but the bomb blew me back to reality, quickly. Oh, it took a couple of weeks for the dust to settle. But I am back to where I was as a person, father, provider and friend. She is not....I had posted earlier to Amy how much now, when I'm hurt I think of church....To just sit there in church, to feel happy, safe and content....Melt down last night was a shot in the arm...He asked me if I truly believed, I said I did, but I didn't know what I believed anymore. I wasn't sure why I was doing , feeling or acting was it really me or am I justifying now....Made me cry, hard tha tI didn't know. He told me, It is Me, because I have let Him in, it will be Me, His will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. More words that now have more conviction in my life. Forgiveness is well on its way, my guess would be that is what brought on my doubt. Do I really want to forgive this, do I really think she'll be back, will I want her back, do I want her back...One step at a time, YEs to all of those questions, done with that for now. I should go in and get the card from her in person. Yes, absolutely. Even if its in her car, I will go in and tellher I got it and thank her for her effort. YEs, I need to do that. I saw your email in your posts, would it be ok for me to email you directly? Shows you I did read you...
AmyC, Just got off the phone with her. Told her I needed D17 insurance card, please leave it in your car for me. She told me if she forgets, just come in and see me. ??????????? Don't want to see you, I will be in a hurry, at lunch or break put it in your car.
Car insurance due. she asked if it was on cancellation. Amy this is the friggin 4th time I hve told her it is a direct wirthdrawal. All of my bills are paid electrically. I don't roll that way. I have no cancellation notices in my life. she says she has no money, gets paid today but wrote checks for Xmas shopping tuesday night and yesterday. I do believe her. She says she will call her Dad and borrow from him. she will call me tonight or tomorrow to let me know.
She was pushing the come and see me for the insurance card....Why????? I am making this very easy for her to be away from me.....She was very pleasant on the phone and so was I. Ended the conversation, like alwatys, just like the book preaches. I am in control of every conversation. Told her I had to go, she wanted to keep talking to me. This is not in my head, she really did. Told her I gotta go real busy. I ended it with talk to you later. Will put a letter about insurance together toda for her. She will have an option of paying me the total car insurance each month or biweekly as she gets paid. either way she will have to notify me the money is available for the insurance at either instance. If she misses it, doesn't call or what ever, I will tellher the car will be taken off the policy and she will have to get insurance on her own and re-register the car. I will put it writing, nicely. I will keep a copy in my office.
I may ask you or FaithfulH to email me. I love conversing with you tow this past week. You are both very good to me and for me. It is good talking here, but I'd love to have you guys on my emails.
You might consider copying anything you write to your wife here BEFORE you send it to her - that way you can get other opinions before you do it. That's what a lot of us have done. Myself included.
So go in and get the card, LD.
Keep it short, sweet and be your charming self.
How else will she know you are the bees knees, huh?
Said the same to FiathfulH, I will go in, even if the card is int the car. Yes I will post it just to get feed back. Yeah, I kina liked the fact she wanted me to come in and see her. I have no expectations, but my urge to grab her and kis her. When we first got together in high school, I was with someone else. We had talked and saw each other in school, but nothing else. I did like her a lot and she me. Well one day, between classes I walked her to the house section she was going to. she thanked me for walking with her. Then I just kissed her. Long and hard. Like you see in the moviesw. She told me that was all it took. How'd you like to relive that moment everyday for 4.5 months? It makes me wonder sometimes....what if...? I am oubtful of it, but....what if? Too funny...?!
