Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Feeling so very depressed. Thinking about all H said to me the other night. He actually told me that he has often wondered, if I died, would it matter to him. He actually told me this! Our C has said that he doesn't think it's "just MLC". I am feeling so hopeless.

Last year we were building our dream home and talking about taking a trip to Europe for our 25th anniversary. Now, in my head, I have the picture of this man that I live and breath for looking at me with tears in his eyes and telling me that he's sorry but he doesn't feel that way for me and he hasn't for a very long time. Nothing I can do can fix it. He says there is too much water under the dam and he just doesn't have that feeling for me.

It's not depression because he is happy when he is out with friends and enjoys talking to and looking at other women. {Our C has confirmed that he doesn't meet the criteria for depression) He says when he sees me, he feels nothing but turmoil, and if I touch him or come near him even, he just feels revulsion.

He says he doesn't think he will ever marry again, because he just doesn't have anything to give to a relationship. But, I know he's just saying that. He will be married again within 2 years tops. I never will. I've known since I was a young girl that I would only have one love of my life. I will never feel for anyone the way I feel for H.

I always considered myself to be a fairly strong woman. I have much to be thankful for. But I feel so very defeated. So disappointed in myself!