I was just checking my home voice mails...usually dont because everything comes through my cell phone.
there was a scorching vm from W on Sunday night regarding the events surrounding that game....she spelled out the word 'respect' and said it was totally completely uncalled for and that I should have had him there right away after the game, that I need to grow up, and that the kids will be late on their next dropoff date (which goes against a court order)...she really blew her top....nice temper.
I just heard it. In fact, I sorta laughed listening to it. I'm not going to reply...just going with the flow...Ha!
Sounds like the current version of your W is not much of a catch. What a drama queen in making such a big deal out of getting some food for your hungry boy.
Here is a better version of how to spell the word respect...
Tostada: I've just read through your thread - and see that you've been through a tough couple of months (and more). One thing I can offer, and it's hard to accept as well, is that your W seems to be in a lot of pain and confusion herself - and may even be going through something of a MLC. Go back and read the MLC section of DR - it's about men mostly - but, oh my, if it doesn't make a lot of sense of some of the WAWs here (including my own).
Sometimes, we reach a point with our S's where nothing we do is enough for them - no DBing, no changes, no 180s, nothing - and it's just about them and their perspectives - often times (at least from what I've seen on this board) those perspectives than get defined by this urgent need to project onto the LBS (you) all the stuff they're struggling with and angry about in themselves. For instance, your W shows you a lack of respect - and then screams at you about respect. Yet it's a simplistic summary of your situation - but I mention it because for me, once I stopped taking my W's comments and actions personally, I found myself seeing her for a person that's suffering a lot on her own - and it let me love her in a peaceful way - as I learned more and more about how to detach.
Anger is your enemy in this process - whether or not your M reconciles - anger poisons you - and usually shows up as a way of keeping you (me) from seeing things that you would rather not admit...often times that anger can be masking feelings of shame or inadequacy - but it's much easier to focus on the anger and the person we blame for that anger - than on ourselves...and that's where the real work comes in - working on you - for you - and letting go of your wife so that you can improve yourself.
I think it's that self-improvement that sometimes leads men to find new partners after the WAW has really walked - and that's when the WAW notices, hey, wait a minute, look at him, he's actually a good, decent man...since taking care of oneself and shedding anger really does make us better men...FWIW...
I do have anger and it is much easier to blame her for me being angry at the whole situation. I hate what she's done to us and our families. I do have shame. This is a very humbling process. To me, its embarrassing. I failed for some reason and I didnt know I was failing until the end. I dont want people to think Im a raging lunatic behind the scenes. I am not at all. I'm a really good person. I'm a great father, I'm great in the community, I have a great job. I was great to my W. Maybe not perfect and maybe I didnt speak her LL very well, but darn it, I was a good husband.
Its true that I cannot do enough. She turns everything I do into an attack on her. She turns it into 'your hurting the kids'. I didnt choose this, I'm not the one hurting the kids.
I find some people on this board have been separated for a year or more. I am on my 8th month. Whats troubling to me is my W filed for D before we were even separated. Before we could even discuss there was a problem..she just said it's over, I'm filing. That impatience really bothers me. Its like I never got a fair shake to work through it. I felt I was owed more than that. I felt being together almost 18yrs, I deserved more respect than that.
I do listen to everyones opinions. This is a tough time, even though I feel like one of the veterans on this board. Wish I wasnt. This will be my second holiday season under duress. Last year we spent it together as a family. She wore my present for three days, then gave it back to me saying she didnt think I'd want her to wear it. I had to return it. That was embarrassing. This year we will be apart. I get my kids in the morning, she gets them in the evening and the following week. That week will be hell, I'm sure of it. I'm already out of crown royal and may set the december record. I'm not an alcoholic, but being out of crown is a good thing and a bad thing.
I can try to detach the best I can...the problem is I still love my wife even though I get pissed at her choices. She gets under my skin in a hurry when I feel she's taking advantage for some reason. I wont let her do that (take advantage). I make sure she realizes the consequences of the situation, she needs to experience that. She made choices. She cant have it both ways.
Tostada, I agree with everything you say....everything and i may add that your W is an ungrateful selfish person who blindsided you and continues to piss you off. But....you still love her. There are no guarantees in life ....I know....however, if you continue to act this way, there is no way that your W will even attempt to get close to you....all this is my opinion of course. Not only that but the bitterness will poison you little by little. So my friend, you can either choose to be right or choose to maybe earn another shot (i know you should not have to earn it....you deserve it....but that is not reality right now)....it is your choice amigo.
Tostada, good response to Carlos's excellent post. I feel for your situation. From what you have told us, you and your W have hardly seen each other during the separation, but yet she still holds this contempt or anger towards you. She has some issues to deal with on her own as no one should hold such venom towards another that they used to live with for so long. I so wish she realizes the wrong path she is taking far sooner than my W did.
Just as Carlos and John say, you need to live your life on your and with the kids when you have them as if your W is not going to return. The only way she might consider coming back is if you are a happy guy. It is not an easy task, but I believe you can do it.
I can fully understand your frustration about your wife not allowing you a chance to try and work this out, my wife said the exact same thing. It is a common thread on here. Just let that go. You can beat yourself up over this forever. It just does not matter.She had been thinking about leaving you for sometime, she just did not bother too let you know.My wife is also changing back to her maiden name. I asked her why, she said she did not think I would want her to have my name, becuase of what my first wife did. ?????, I just let it go.It did hurt, for a week or so.
My second Christmas with this whole mess also.She will probably tag along when we go to grandmas house.Then she is leaving to go see her mother in Washington State.One day at a time.Let go of the anger, have a peaceful Christmas.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Tostada: I can relate so well to your feelings of shame and failure - that's what hit me right away when my W started talking about divorce. Don't know if you noticed from my signature - but this is my second marriage - and I was determined to make this one work - and it just doesn't seem to be going that way right now. My first marriage ended in such a civil, simple way - it was sad, we cried, but there wasn't all this anger and all these attacks - and my first wife and I have remained good friends...which has done wonders for my S11...
But that's beside the point...what I wanted to say is that the shame of having a marriage fail often has more to do with where we come from than just ourselves. For instance, I finally had to realize that I was bearing the burden of making up for a lot of my father's mistakes - my parents divorced when we were young, and my father almost divorced from his second wife after their daughter was born. They were separated for four years - during which time I lived alone with him (and suffered through his abuse while I was in high school).
My father loves my Wife - he thinks she's a remarkable person - and when my marriage crumbled he first talked with me about how much I had to do to win her back - to let her know that I loved her...eventually, I realized that his advice was based on the idea that I was at fault for the failure of our marriage - and once I realized that's where he was coming from - I also realized more about how I had been raised to think about marriage...and I had to let go of those assumptions - and those notions of marriage if I had any chance at recovering and getting stronger - or - the real long-shot - of reconciling with my W.
Your W sounds like a tough person to love - and I agree that it sucks to have someone give up and not even try - my W hasn't filed yet - but she gave up and just kept us in limbo for five months until I finally urged her to act on her talk of moving out - or else work on us...and she opted to move out.
But...here's the thing - if she hadn't moved out I never - and I really mean never - would have noticed so many of the things I've come to see about myself - and the extent to which I had allowed my own expectations of her to morph into resentment and finally anger - that's how I contributed to the damager of our Marriage - I wasn't a bad husband, I never strayed, I'm not abusive (though she now lives in a reality in which she is convinced I am) - but I did let myself become and angry, withdrawn man - and started to inhabit the skin of the type of abusive man she believed I was simply because I loved her...in other words - based on her dictionary of love - love is defined by pain - and so, if I loved her, it meant I wanted to hurt her...and there is/was nothing I could do to change that for her unless she was/is willing to look into herself and heal her deepest wounds. Sadly, for us, that could not happen while still living together...and so I've learned to love her and let her go - I've learned to love her enough not to become the person she tries to lure me into becoming (I don't take the bait when she starts to pick fights) - and I remind myself every time I see her - no matter how she's behaving or what she's saying - be kind, Carlos. Be kind...and it's brought a lot of peace to me and the life of my kids.
Sorry to ramble - it just felt like something I should share here with you.
ok...relieved to find out from L that wife did not request to change her name. Not sure why that bothered me so much, I guess it's just the finality of it all.
I had to email W today about a work trip I had and if she could watch the kids for a couple of my days. got a long reply email in her nicest tone.....however, when I got to the 'whats best for the kids' line, I quit paying attention. I equate that too 'whats best for W'....
Of course when I ask for her to watch the kids when I'm gone for work, resulting in me not seeing my kids for 12 days...she replies back with three requests of her own. Classic.
I'm not going to reply. I'm not going to drink any crown either, I'm all out.
