Is she cheating??? Please respond!!

[Nasmat]

Oh my gosh, Nas, I'm always so surprised by how my particular story has been replayed in the lives of others. I honestly feel as though you are right here in my shoes.

Hey, Crafidi! I think we all experience that "wow, this thing happens to other people" reaction when we get here. I'm still working on becoming more active myself as my sitch is fairly recent and I haven't been here all that long, but I can tell you that the more you read up on other people's sitches - and offer support - the more all of this will begin to make sense to you. Most of us here are operating fairly blindly in our sitches because of our emotional attachment. Getting perspective from strangers' dilemmas truly does help to open your eyes to your own circumstances.

Not to pimp my thread or anything, but since our sitches are similar in some regards, it might help you to read what some wise people have said to me. I will warn you that it's alot of reading. I tend to be long-winded.

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I have begun to convince myself that she's didn't do anything wrong with the OM, and that all of this is somehow justified.

Yep, totally did that. I am facing reality a little bit more day by day. It's excruciating at first, but once you get past the initial rage and self-pity and aobbing, it actually helps make you stronger and gives you perspective.

I still don't hate my H. I still understand the impetus that drove him to do this. I still can look at my own mistakes and empathize. I am still working towards true forgiveness.

But I'm not being naive, and I'm not trying to kid myself about what's happening (at least not as much as I was). I think only when you can face the full horror of your situation can you begin to evaluate and strategize.

I like to think of the Stockdale Paradox and try to draw wisom and strength from it. "You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

We took vows before God that were supposed to mean something. I don't remember our vows saying "as long as we have passion" or "until someone else comes along to reignite my passion." It's not justified.

That is absolutely correct. Your W has free will, and she has fallen to temptation. But there are no obstacles as far as God's power is concerned. You must trust that God is working in both of you, that He sees your pain and that your pain is part of His plan, that He is helping you to grow by it and that He is with you even when things are bleak.

That doesn't mean you don't have to work for it, but it does mean that you absolutely have God on your side.

I would caution you, however, to judge/blame your wife. Sure, both of you did things that hurt the M. Sure, she's forsken God's laws by succumbing to the Devil. And yes, just because you might have lost some passion, it does not justify her actions.

But, beware casting stones as we are not without sin. She's human, and she made a mistake. It's normal to feel rage, to feel anger, to feel betrayed, to feel sorry for yourself, to feel deep sadness and frustration. But be careful to not let those emotions overwhelm you.

And the other side of that coin is that the longer you feel extreme emotions, the longer she is controlling you. In these situations, the person who cares the least about the R is in control.

Work through those emotions. Give them to God, work them out of your system, vent here - but don't allow yourself to dwell in pain for so long that you cripple yourself.

Not saying you're doing that at all, but it does take a lot of effort to begin to feel happy again. To start dropping the rope as they say.

Believe me, I struggle with it ALL the time.

I'm sick of crying at work, I'm sick of feeling like a piece of trash, and I'm sick of allowing her to make me feel that way.

Yes! And now you have to do the hardest thing you've ever done - you have to pick yourself up and begin to fight for yourself. Make yourself a better person. Do the work.

Don't allow your W to control your happiness. Be determined to have a good day. I know that sometimes it feels impossible to have a good day, but the way I look at it, even if I slip into sadness or anger for a little while, if I make the effort to find my own happiness each day, I'm doing well. Some days, you might only be happy for 5 minutes, but eventually, that 5 minutes will become 30 minutes, and that 30 minutes will become 3 hours, and so forth and so on until you're having a happy DAY.

Do that for yourself. The cool thing is, the better you get at being happy with you, the more appealing you'll become to your W.

It is just so hard to detach and be friendly without beign a freind, but I definitely get what you're saying about the cake-eating and her needing to feel the loss. She wants it all.

Yup. Of course she wants it all. Who wouldn't? She doesn't want to face the reality of losing you. She wants to feel less guilty and by doing so justify her decision to leave. Once she has to truly face the reality of what she's giving up, things are going to get more and more difficult for her.

She even says we're still a family and we should still go on family vacations together. To that I must say HELL NO!!!!

I agree that you should not go on the family vacation with her. But I would advise that you be careful in how you tell her that. You want to be friendly but firm. Remember, whoever appears to have let go more has the upper hand. The next time she mentions the vaccation, say something like: "I understand why you'd want us all to go, and it's a lovely idea. However, I don't think it's fair to you, me or the kids to create a false expectation that our lives are not changing. If you'd like to take the kids, I don't mind at all - I bet it'll be a blast - but I won't be able to accompany you as I don't want to further confuse things."

There are probably a lot better ways to say that, but there's a starting point.

Good luck, Crafidi, and God bless. I will be praying for you.

~Nas