I just got back from watching my son play the cello in his concert. He had a solo. It was amazing.
I don't feel so...weird, sitting alone anymore. I realized about half way through, that X and D were about a row behind me, 5 seats toward the center. At least he didn't bring the rest of them; I had been concerned about that. I can save that worry for another time.
I avoided him. After the concert, my D came over to me and wanted to visit with one of her old teachers who was there. She said bye to her dad, and we both got to catch up with one of our favorite people. She is the music coordinator, and had nothing but praise for both of my kids. It was nice.
The kids have gotten good (too good?) at going back and forth between us, making sure that they take care of things so we don't have to talk. They got their stuff and met me back at my car, then we were off to ice cream to celebrate.
All in all, things went very well tonight, especially given the mood I was already in. I see him, and I see the person who I was in love with, yet I know that it is an illusion. It is so hard to describe...I can close my eyes and see the outline of every smile line on his face, every scar on his hands, hear his heartbeat. But from a distance.....
I know that I will never be that close to him again, to see the details, to hear his heart, to be that intimate. And the thought is sad. I think that was the other realization today; that I will never share those things, so many things, with him again. We will not touch or speak as spouses again. I remember how many times I clung to him when things were terrible - when D had her surgery, when my parents died...even the daily touches. And it is still when I miss him most, when things are hard. I can look at today and see I have been feeling overwhelmed, afraid that I can't do it all, that I will fail. Working without a net, and not feeling well physically didn't help. I not only have to learn how to be single again, but to be on my own for the first time in my life - a delayed adolescence. Self-reliance.
So, time to reflect on what I have, be grateful. Look at how far I've come. Make my list of all the damage that can't be undone. Make myself see the way things are, today. Remember all the positives.
I know the drill. But there is still some thread, somewhere deep inside me, that is fighting the letting go. IC said that when someone dies, there is a funeral- closure. That I need to find that sense of closure.
I wonder if every blip on my radar screen will bring these memories of him, of what I lost, back to the surface, over and over again. If I will ever really get over him. Can you get over someone who was in more than 2/3 of your life, and fathered your children? Or do you just go on, in spite of it all....
