is my h's mind. Two and a half weeks ago, H tells our son, for the second time (last time was in February) that he is leaving (second worst night of my life, seeing son so upset) and he is still here.
Now, I think he is done with the marriage, checked out a long time ago. But these are my theories, tell me what you all think.
First, I think he wants our son to be able to stay in his home until he graduates in June, so he is going to live with the ow's mother (he was very close to her 30 years ago - he lost his mom when he was 13). (ow lives in another state).But the reality of going to live with a 71 year old is not exactly making him run out the door. And since he cannot afford an apartment - that is his only choice.
Or, he feels guilty as I said to him once to wait until after the holidays to tell son as S will always remember the holidays as the time his dad left.
Or, he has lost what is left of his mind and forgot he told son he was leaving.
Anyway, I realized that I have not been doing what I should be. I need to start GALing, I need to figure out how to get a full time job and I need to move forward. I have been stuck far too long.
So, lots to think about and do.
Well, off to the twilight zone, with a h who is leaving, but not. Who is starting a great new life, but is not. Who wants to leave as soon as possible, but is not. I feel like I am in a bad sitcom or something, ya know?
BM I wasn't implying on my post to you that you don't address issues or finances with your h, you just do so in a way that maintains the others respect. Your post seemed more like an attack on your h. This is an area that I am working on myself.
Also on this journey it's important to pick and choose your battles wisely. You have been m for many years, so maybe you have mastered how to communicate with your h, it was just MOB from your post.
Just remember in all of this you can't control anothers behavior. All you can do is control yourself and how you respond and that is part of GAL.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Thanks for posting. GG, I have not, in the 18 months since the bomb, except for maybe 5 or 6 times, ever said anything to my h that was disrepectful or unkind.
As I said, I could have handled the money thing a bit better. But, I have for the most part been exceedingly patient, thoughtful and respectful to a fault. Except for those 5 or 6 times, no angry words have been spoken, no names have been called, no accusations have been made.
So, in that area, I am doing pretty well, I think.
I havent posted much. Been doing a lot of thinking. Now that my h has told my s he is leaving, even though he didnt tell him that he would be two hours away and who he is moving in with, I have to wonder why he is still here.
Perhaps it is because of the holidays, or that he doesnt really want to move in with his ow's 71 year old mother (no choice financially) and would rather be in his own apartment, but, it is not right that he is doing this to s again.
He told him 10 months ago he wants to leave and stayed. Now its been almost three weeks and he is still here.
I just told him that I invited my sister for Christmas Eve. He seemed angry. I dont know if it is because he knows my sister knows about him and ow or what. Last year he spent Christmas Eve with the ow. I assume he is going to again. But I told him because I didnt tell him about Thanksgiving and going to my sister's and I felt like it was the right thing to do.
So, he might be here, he might not. I dont know. In a lot of ways, it would be better if he wasnt. Things are much easier when he is not. My niece and nephew could play without being reprimanded for being kids. My sister and I are very laid back, he is not. He is picky about food and how its served and generally not too much fun, never was.
Dont mean it to sound like he is so terrible, just telling it like it is. So I am going about my business, getting ready for the holidays. Dont know what he is doing, just doing my thing.
I think he is going to leave in January, so I really must file. I cannot trust him to do the right thing regarding money. And it has cost me thousands and thousands not filing before this. I really have ruined my financial future by waiting.
I feel like I have been holding my breath for 18 months. I need to take a nice long deep breath and face my life.
I think he is going to leave in January, so I really must file. I cannot trust him to do the right thing regarding money. And it has cost me thousands and thousands not filing before this. I really have ruined my financial future by waiting.
I know exactly how you feel. It's a horrible situation. I faced a similar situation and chose financial ruin over divorce. Not recommending it to anyone, though. There really are no great options. It's terrible to be put into that place where you have to make that decision.
Be true to yourself, be the best BM you can. Think long term and do things you will be proud of, later in life.
Thanks, S, thought you were mad at me or something, LOL!
It is terrible to be forced to do something that goes against everything you believe in, everything you stand for. I keep putting it off because it is so not what I want to do.
You know, going through this journey, I realize that I am proud of who I am. I am not perfect, by any means. But I have realized some things about me that make me feel good. It takes two to make a marriage, two to break it. I know this.
For a long time my therapist would get me angry but always 'sticking up for me' whenever I tried to speak about my part. And I finally said to her, you know, you are not helping me by never letting me take ownership.
This is what she said. B, you were depressed and filled with anxiety and that made it difficult for your h. I get that. But after a year and a half with you and twenty five years doing this, I have to say something.
She said, I see who you are, the kind of person you are. I cannot allow you to take the kind of blame that you have been taking. You are a good person, kindhearted and loyal to a fault. You are easygoing, funny and you love to laugh. You are a loving mother, a wonderful sister, a good friend. You never lied, cheated, or broke your vows. You encouraged your h to go where he wanted to, he bought whatever he wanted, you felt he should because he works so hard. You tried your best to live up to the high standards your h expected.
So, she said, yes, you were depressed, sick. If the situation were reversed, I can guarantee you would have helped your h, stood by him.
And because of all this, I cannot continue to listen to you take all the blame or even half of it. He chose to do the wrong thing. No matter what, in a marriage, no matter how bad, that is not ok.
So, I am starting to feel that I am ok, I am proud of who I am and what I stand for. And I do not have to take all the blame. I continue to grow, I continue to be true to myself and true to who I am and I strive to do things for which I can be proud.
B, I understand how you feel.They just cannot seem to make that final effort to truly end their marriage.My wife is the same way, she has moved out is enjoying setting up her apartment, our daughter is reconnecting with her mother, but she does not talk about the divorce paperwork. She saw a lawyer to help her with the settlement agreement and it just sits there undone. So the answer to your question is,I have no idea!! Sorry about the around about way of getting to an answer.Merry Christmas!!
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Hey Craig, thanks for posting. It makes you wonder, doesnt it? My h said at the time of the bomb, "I want a divorce right away, I want to get started on a new life as soon as possible, I dont want to waste anymore time being unhappy. And here he is, 18 months later, still at home.
