Wow...a lot to think about tonight...lovely. BBJ - thanks for swinging by and offering your encouraging words. I know you're going through a very tough time, so having you step over and help lift me up a bit is very moving.
Rob - It's like you're reading my mind sometimes...I think my big, big mistake in this whole thing has been my impatient need to say what's on my mind...and not waiting long enough with stuff and getting some much needed feedback from my friends here first. If I had sent that letter/email to my W it would have backfired in a big way - I see that now. Sometimes, as someone who makes a living with words, I still get this delusional idea that I can put together the right words to unlock the mystery of her pain and her love - but that's just a delusion - and it can't get me anywhere...I do have to pull back more - and just let my actions speak as best they can - and let my silence be golden.
"I'm like this too and I think DBing is teaching me a valuable life-lesson that I shouldn't be such an open book all the time. It is taken advantage of by some unfortunately. Also in the case of your W, you can reveal NOTHING that doesn't relate exclusively to your S2. PERIOD! Be firm w/this. It is done not only for your protection, but if you are ever going to have a true shot at reconciliation, you've got to do this as well."
I sent this quote to my PDA so I can read it and remind myself of it every day. Even today - as I was driving around - I had thought about sending my wife a note about some stuff not related to our baby or finances...but I read your caveat first - and so that note wasn't even written...
I reconnected with my dissertation chair today...I had talked with her just before the bomb dropped - and we were planning out a strategy for getting my PhD - and then I just had no time for it - since I buried myself in studying love, marriage, fatherhood and the meaning of being a man...But I think it's time to dust off my thinking cap and get back onto that horse...and aim for teaching again...I did teach at Berkeley for a couple years...and that was fun...but I'm thinking more and more of teaching high school instead...
Beth - Have you studied Buddhism? Until I read what you wrote I hadn't even thought about the ways in which Buddhism teaches an acceptance of death - not a fear of it - and with that comes a disarming of its uncertainty...and, my goodness, the parallels with a troubled marriage are profound.
These words are also now on my PDA:
"What comforts me, is reminding myself that the uncertainty was always there; it is not a new demon. As such, it is a demon we know how to defeat. It is defeated by not giving it our attention. That is why GAL works so well. Distraction, intellectual occupation, physical exertion all take our focus elsewhere.
So, when it creeps back out of the basement, I just remind myself, better a devil I know..."
I'm so glad you guys are there to help me.
On another note...I put up our stockings tonight...and decided to hang one for my W too. She may never see it - but it's just there because she's part of our family...just a lost member right now...
