I've decided to take an apartment we looked at yesterday. It's really nice and in a complex where I will feel safe, and they allow my 2 chihuahuas. S17 likes it too. They have indoor and outdoor pools, a gym, etc. I am doing a 12 month lease. They're giving me a break on the rent, so I though I would go for the longer lease in order to lock in the rate. Also, since we were planning to sell the house anyway, even if, by some miracle H were to "wake up", we could still live in this place until the lease is up.
I feel absolutely horrible. The life I cherished was all a lie. How can I ever even trust my own judgement again? H says he will never re-marry (like I believe that). But, I pretty much don't think I ever will. I just want to go to bed and stay there forever. I'm either crying in desperate pain, or numb and exhausted.
I always thought I was a strong person. But, I don't think I can handle this. My mom and dad got divorced when I was 24, after being married for 30 years. Even though I was an adult, it was very difficult for me because my mom said she never really loved my dad and I felt that my whole base was a lie. I always swore that no matter what happened, I always wanted us to be real with each other, and if we ever split, we would know why. [To the day he died, my dad didn't know why my mom left and she says he "kicked her out"]. So, this is my worst nightmare coming true!
I just want this pain to end! I know I'm a wimp, and my sitch is a cakewalk compared to what some of you have been through. I so admire your courage! I wish I had some.
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd