Making my own good karma!!

[yellowrose]

SC

Just don't make any drastic moves. Think things through first and give yourself some time. Okay?

A bank account is a good idea. An apartment? What is the hurry. Just be careful!!!

Y

[Silent Chrleader]

The hurry is that there is soooo much to do in this house and H has to do it. The carpets are ripped up and the wood flooring needs to be put down. Paint inside and out. The roof needs repair. The list goes on. This stuff has been sitting here waiting while H has been out getting his "space". H said to me yesterday that instead of coming back to work on stuff, he was thinking of getting an apartment over in the city near where he worked. Well, that is more than an hour away, and this stuff will never get done! He needs to be the one to handle all this stuff, and that can't be the case when I am living here.

And to be honest, I want the fresh start. Everything around this house is "us". I need to get away from it.

[yellowrose]

SC

Now I see. Just don't jump too fast. Things change when they are in MLC.

Y

[Silent Chrleader]

Opened up my bank account. Got paperwork for S17 to transfer to "Alternative" school. I hate that it has come to that but his schoolwork has really suffered through this whole ordeal and it's not like we was the most consciencious student to begin with. This is what he wants to do, and wants desperately to take the reins of his life decisions. So, I can only support him and help all I can. He's a great kid with a big heart and the light of my life.

I've been having small panic attacks all day (I have a history of panic disorder) so I have increased my meds. My brother has come to stay with me for a little while. He is an alcoholic and I had put my foot down on him not drinking around S17, but S17 is very close with him and I think needs all the support and male comraderie he can get now. And I like having another adult in the house for now while I get over this hump. It's sort of the lesser of evils. Plus, in spite of his flaws, my brother is a very fun guy to have around and I need that distraction right now.

[Silent Chrleader]

I've decided to take an apartment we looked at yesterday. It's really nice and in a complex where I will feel safe, and they allow my 2 chihuahuas. S17 likes it too. They have indoor and outdoor pools, a gym, etc. I am doing a 12 month lease. They're giving me a break on the rent, so I though I would go for the longer lease in order to lock in the rate. Also, since we were planning to sell the house anyway, even if, by some miracle H were to "wake up", we could still live in this place until the lease is up.

I feel absolutely horrible. The life I cherished was all a lie. How can I ever even trust my own judgement again? H says he will never re-marry (like I believe that). But, I pretty much don't think I ever will. I just want to go to bed and stay there forever. I'm either crying in desperate pain, or numb and exhausted.

I always thought I was a strong person. But, I don't think I can handle this. My mom and dad got divorced when I was 24, after being married for 30 years. Even though I was an adult, it was very difficult for me because my mom said she never really loved my dad and I felt that my whole base was a lie. I always swore that no matter what happened, I always wanted us to be real with each other, and if we ever split, we would know why. [To the day he died, my dad didn't know why my mom left and she says he "kicked her out"]. So, this is my worst nightmare coming true!

I just want this pain to end! I know I'm a wimp, and my sitch is a cakewalk compared to what some of you have been through. I so admire your courage! I wish I had some.

[Babygirl]

hey my dear. YOU are a strong person. i know you are I feel it. i see it when you help me and the others.
if you ever need anything, if you can find me in the alt world, I have free longdistance, we can talk, we can email. I totally understand the pain, and the feelings. i upped my AD too. and had a really bad last thurs nite, as you had the other day. so i do understand.
the past 2 days you have taken care of YOU that rocks. you are that strong, you can do it. i will help you.
much love

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, (((((BG))))).

I have been going back and forth with H today about logistics of the move and such. He is a million miles away from me and it just crushes my soul! He told me Monday night that if I really thought about it, I would realize that I really didn't love him either and haven't for a long time! (WTF?)

I know that's his way of "justifying". I just don't have it in me to "DB" right now. I want to just curl up and die. It will take a couple of weeks at least for the increase in medication to kick in. I'm hoping that will help.

I spent 4 hours last night working on budgets for each of us. Some would say that I shouldn't do that and just let him figure it out, but we had agreed that we wouldn't be deliberately hurtful, and through the past 6 months, while H has been in an apt, our finances have still been together and we have not begrudged each other anything. So, for me, it is the honorable thing to be very clear and straightforward and accomodating as much as possible on the practical stuff. I am an accountant and have done our bills for years. Now I have put it all in H's lap, but I've given him very clear instructions on what needs to happen. All of his "free" time will be working on getting the house fixed (fun!). I hope that gives him time to think and maybe come to his senses, but I don't think that will happen. He is very set in his ways.

I'm hoping that when I get into my own place, I'll be able to feel more compfortable and strong and able to pick up the pieces and move on. But, I have my doubts.

Oh, and I am in the alt universe, but I can't access it from my work computer. Will go on tonight and update my stuff with my number and such. Is your name the same on FB as here on DB?

[Silent Chrleader]

Feeling so very depressed. Thinking about all H said to me the other night. He actually told me that he has often wondered, if I died, would it matter to him. He actually told me this! Our C has said that he doesn't think it's "just MLC". I am feeling so hopeless.

Last year we were building our dream home and talking about taking a trip to Europe for our 25th anniversary. Now, in my head, I have the picture of this man that I live and breath for looking at me with tears in his eyes and telling me that he's sorry but he doesn't feel that way for me and he hasn't for a very long time. Nothing I can do can fix it. He says there is too much water under the dam and he just doesn't have that feeling for me.

It's not depression because he is happy when he is out with friends and enjoys talking to and looking at other women. {Our C has confirmed that he doesn't meet the criteria for depression) He says when he sees me, he feels nothing but turmoil, and if I touch him or come near him even, he just feels revulsion.

He says he doesn't think he will ever marry again, because he just doesn't have anything to give to a relationship. But, I know he's just saying that. He will be married again within 2 years tops. I never will. I've known since I was a young girl that I would only have one love of my life. I will never feel for anyone the way I feel for H.

I always considered myself to be a fairly strong woman. I have much to be thankful for. But I feel so very defeated. So disappointed in myself!

[Upside]

Hi SC-
I don't know that I am anyone to argue with your C BUT I think he (or she) could be wrong. I know my H has not ever really acted depressed but has somewhat recently admitted that he isn't happy. My H has been extemely good at compartmentalizing...he has acted like everything was fine and fun in all areas of his life except for the part that included me. Our C has waffled on whether or not my H is having a MLC or an identity crisis...however he does seem to think he is depressed. Now, almost 22 months post bomb, my H has admitted his unhappiness isn't all about me. Sure we had issues and things to work on to make our M better but nothing insurmountable.

Now, in my head, I have the picture of this man that I live and breath for looking at me with tears in his eyes and telling me that he's sorry but he doesn't feel that way for me and he hasn't for a very long time. Nothing I can do can fix it. He says there is too much water under the dam and he just doesn't have that feeling for me.

IMO, this is typical MLC. My H told me he felt empty inside and that he has nothing left to give.

It's not depression because he is happy when he is out with friends and enjoys talking to and looking at other women. {Our C has confirmed that he doesn't meet the criteria for depression) He says when he sees me, he feels nothing but turmoil, and if I touch him or come near him even, he just feels revulsion.

This sounds like replay to me. Have you read the posting on this site about the stages of MLC? First is denial, anger, then replay...after that comes depression and withdrawl...and then finally accpetance. Here is the link just in case...The Six Stages of a Mid Life Crisis, by HB. And IMO, your H's "revulsion" is about his misdirected anger and guilt and has very little to do with you. This is why you have to do your best to GAL, detach and have no expectations. Any pressure from you can add to his already mounting guilt.

He says he doesn't think he will ever marry again, because he just doesn't have anything to give to a relationship.

My H has said the exact same thing. My H filed divorce papers in 8/08 but never served me and 3 months ago the D was dismissed. My H and I have been in MC for about 8 months now...sometimes I see progress and sometimes it feels like we are moving backwards. It is frustrating as he11 but for some reason we are both hanging in there. My H has recently confessed that he has used all kinds of reasons and excuses to keep me at a distance. At this point, I have no expectations for our future but I do have hopes that my H will be back home soon and that we will rebuild a better marriage than we had before.

This is a difficult journey. It doesn't sound like you are a quitter so give this time regardless of what your C says. Use this time to work on yourself and discover the parts of you that got lost during your M.

(((HUGS)))

[SirPrizeMe]

Depression is a disorder documented in the DSM-IV. The counselor will be familiar with the key symptoms and diagnosis. If he/she says that hubby's behavior is not consistent with depression, she's probably right.

There are other reasons for a person to have lost the love. It could just be an accumulation of hurt or apathy. years of silence. years of lack of nourishment. or other things. just because a spouse has lost the feeling, or feels he has nothing left to give, does not mean the spouse is clinically depressed.

I am not suggesting any of this applies directly to you or your husband SC. Only to say, be careful in dismissing what the experts say.

I am no expert, but clinical depression implies specific behaviors and cognitive patterns. Lack of sleep. Fall off in work performance. avoidance of previously enjoyable activities. and also the constant view that things are worse than they actually are. If the psych says "he is not depressed", there are good reasons.

We here on this board like to classify all our spouses into the MLC or "depressed" bucket. We like to put them in that bucket and explain away all their behavior and that gives us a rationale and it also, is sometimes used to conveniently excuse ourselves from responsibility for the situation.

But sometimes it is not "MLC". Sometimes the spouse is walking away because the marriage is no good, and he or she needs to get out, to get air. That is not MLC, that is a person responding to their own needs.

all this is just a caution for all of us to be careful in rationalizing.

On the other hand, when your husband says he feels nothing but turmoil, revulsion when he is with you... That sure seems like mid-life crisis material to me.