tossed and turned about her email and the letter. I think I was being kind of vindictive when I sent her the email about all this. You were right. O< I guess I feel guilty about winding her up. The letter is very nice though.
Didn't sleep well last night. Wound up from Xmas shopping, the letter and my D17 coughing her brains out. Need to call her doctor this morning.
I will be going home at lunchtime and will put the letter with her mail. she may or may not stop by to see D17 or take her to her house. who knows...
I don't expect anything from her except my money for the car insurance. There is nothing else to expect. Again, OM in the picture, LonelyD out of picture.
1. I really enjoyed Xmas shopping, makes me happy. anyway the email she sent me, her being upset and obviously nervous and doing a lot of "we's" in her email, and my subsequent hand written letter, which is very direct and light hearted, have me feeling that empty feeling. I know I am detached/detaching (constantly) I can control the feeling, He fills it, but is it normal to get this gut wrenching empty feeling when I do communicate with her? I didn't when I met with ehr about her brakes a coule of weks back.
2. The feeling of wanting to be alone, to rest. Has anyone experienced this? I feel guilty doing nothing, but I have this overwhelming want to be alone and in quiet...Pray quite a bit more, last night I asked many questions, finally fell asleep, feel like the answers came to me i the sleep, because those feelings were gone this morning when I woke up...
1. I really enjoyed Xmas shopping, makes me happy. anyway the email she sent me, her being upset and obviously nervous and doing a lot of "we's" in her email, and my subsequent hand written letter, which is very direct and light hearted, have me feeling that empty feeling. I know I am detached/detaching (constantly) I can control the feeling, He fills it, but is it normal to get this gut wrenching empty feeling when I do communicate with her? I didn't when I met with ehr about her brakes a coule of weks back. Yes, it's normal. Holidays are part of it too I'm sure.
2. The feeling of wanting to be alone, to rest. Has anyone experienced this? I feel guilty doing nothing, but I have this overwhelming want to be alone and in quiet...Pray quite a bit more, last night I asked many questions, finally fell asleep, feel like the answers came to me i the sleep, because those feelings were gone this morning when I woke up... If when you are at rest is when you best talk, and when you best hear, Him - it would stand to reason your spirit could desire that communication at any given time...especially during difficult times
Makes sense to me. I do talk to Him when I am laying down to go to sleep, and since I have been talking to Him more, i think that I am looking to hear His words, clearer and more often. It is a very strange feeling, its calming but, still, like agitated, best way to describe it. I have posted her email so you can see her words...Would like to get your thoughts on this...They are just words to me, but I don't know, maybe you see something. I am not trying to make something out of it, I just think if you saw her words, you might get a better idea of her..
"we need to talk about this stuff face to face....you can not just take me off....I will have to help out....and as for the car .... I am not putting it in my own name.....we can try to sell it or whatever....but I can't afford it.....another thing we can talk about...maybe we can refinance the house and pay it off like we did the truck ...or pay it down enough to get a cheaper one..... I don't know...cause I dont' know how all this works myself.......sorry you have to keep asking for money but it is hard to come by...I am not doing it on purpose....but I was paying 300 a paycheck to the car... I still need to get some food and personal stuff each paycheck. gas and insurance...it is gone.....I am trying hard to find something that pays as well at BBB but it isn't easy...and I am not going to go somewhere and work more hours and not make the same pay.... they are working on fitting me into a full time position............sorry it took so long to get back but I am hardly on the computer...it is in Pams room and I feel uncomfortable sitting in here...."
We refinance to pay off her car and it goes ont he mortgage I pay, can't refinance now anyway, already tried got denied. She realizes that she makes money working part time but with the employment rate, people are getting hired for a song. as for fitting her in full time, ain't gonna happen, already know that. Feel bad, but why should I put my financial needs behind hers? I am going to tell her she wil have to pay me $10 a week for health insurance and put her on a payment plan for car. Oooh, it hurt like hell to bend like that...The $10 goes into a bank account to help offset the deductible, I am not being mean, it will help her out, just don't want to tell her that...
Feel bad, but why should I put my financial needs behind hers?
One reason, what is He telling you to do? I remember 2 or 3 weeks after the bomb I told a friend I was going to "tell W what had to happen financially if she pursued the D". This friend said to me, "Is this a God-thing....or a FaithfulH thing?" I never brought up finances with my W. You may be hearing differently in your sitch...I don't know....just make sure it is not a LonelyD thing.
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I am going to tell her she wil have to pay me $10 a week for health insurance and put her on a payment plan for car. Oooh, it hurt like hell to bend like that...The $10 goes into a bank account to help offset the deductible, I am not being mean, it will help her out, just don't want to tell her that...
Sorry, sounds LonelyD-ish to me....
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Her car insurance is her responsibility, I put it under my AAA to get a reduced rate and she agreed to have me paid prior to each payment due date. She is behind. I am not being vindictive. I did on some other issues and Amy did call me on it and I recinded it.
The $10. Let me explain, My new insurance plan has a $2000 deductible tha has to be met. It is thru BC/BS. The payments per visit or issue will be based on a contracted agreed to price. What my company is doing is working with hteir bank to set up an account for Health services, kinda sorta like flex. Well I am putting in $15 a week to help offset some of the $2k deductible. I will collect $10 a week from her to help her with the medical bill payments pre-deductible. The bills will come to me and I will have to deal with them. My health insurance for family went up $28 a week. If I had the single parent and one child plan, it would have been $5 a week less than I am paying now. So I am weating this cost. The $10 will go into this medical account (it has to be used for medical per the way it is recorded with IRS). This way, when she goes to the doctors for whatever, she won't get hit with a bill she can't pay. That's all it is. It is a Lonely D thing but it is referred as a Health Spending Account. It is realistic and intelligent and logical. None of this is where she is. By doing this I am helping her. Example, I need to meet $2k per year and then everyhting is "free". This spending puts $1200 into an account to help offet the costs. that means between the three of us, we are only exposed to $800 out of pocket.
I know it sounds like I am nickel and diming her, but I'm not. I am spending $3 more each week out of my pocket for this. $172 more each month, that is my heating bill. I will need to cut more corners in my household to offset this, she has to do nothing other than give me $10 so that she is healthy and pay her respective bills until the $2k is met. It is LonelyD, health insurance thing.
God has told me, as you did , to treat this as a trip she is on. I am dealing with everything that way. If she was with me, I would pay the whole amoutn to the health account and her paycheck would pick up the slack. I am asking for no more than that amount.
The Word to me is this, negative actions will beget negative reactions. She is lost and does not know where she is, do not turn out your light for a single moment. she needs to see your light, the one I have given you. She will see me through your light and she will know she is home. This is my belief and this is what i am doing. My letter to her is very nice and light hearted. Yes I wanted to slpa her hard, but I am past that point now. Please don't think I am being vindictive, I am helping her, but I am also cognizant of my financial obligations to my D17, my home and me. Yes, she still matters. But this is her consequence, she cannot take a back seat to these changes. I am treating the situation "as if" she were still with me. You must trust that I am dong this for her, not to hurt her. 6 months from now if she has a doctor visit that is $600, she couldn't possibly pay it, this account would be able to cover most if not all of it. Is that something thatr hurts her? Financially it secures her health benefit, same as I am doing for D17 and myself.
God has told me not to condemn those who have hurt me. People that know me cannot understadn why I am acting differently with that regard. Why? because it will not help. If His words tell me to go against my initial responses, then it will be that way. Until I see something worng with His words or actions towards me and my goal, I will listen and I will follow.
I do appreciate your thoughts on this, I really do. Yes her email was in response to the initial one I sent. Yes it was very vindictive and Amy saw that immeditaley. Her words coninced me to rescind and email her again with a very subdued reply. My letter tells her that she should read all my emails, not just the first one.
I put reality in front of her when I can, for she doesn't see anyhitng but her reality. As I told her int he letter "I hear I am a pretty nice person". Trust me, I am...I'm not doing anything to hurt her, she wil do enough of that on her own. My focus, with reagrd to her is for me to learn to forgive, these are the initial steps, trust me, I could bolt and do things legally that would take her years to undo , if ever....
A question. I found myself tonight, questioning what is real in my mind. I sat talking to him in my mind, wanting to know if the path I have chosen and have taken are really His desire for me or is it just in my mind? I find myself knowing this cross was a sign, of that there can be no question. I find that I continue on this path, even the the pain is very real. I am not asking anyone if they had doubted His word, i guess I'm asking if I believe it to be his word leading me down this path, holding me to my beliefs, then doesn't it make it true? If I believe I am receiving his word, if I believe which finger this ring belongs on, if I believe that seeking out someone else is not for me, then have I now received His word that commands me to stay my path. I am seeking affirmation from those of you who have gone down this road and have heard His words. It pained me to question it, but I knew the answer already. It would appear the path to Him is paved with thorns. His words to me are mine, my strength to continue comes from me, He is the source of my strength now. I came out of my shower feeling better and ashamed that I even questioned it. But it is it normal to question your actions, is it normal to wonder why we continue on as we do, without any logical reason other than , it is right to do this to know it is His will.
