Hi, crafidi! I've been reading through your sitch, and I wanted to stop by and offer some support. I can see some similarities in our sitches, and I really feel for you.
I too have been in an R with my husband for a long time. Like you, we started dating in high school (I was 15, he was 16). Like you, you both lacked experience outside of eachother.
I think what makes relationships like these so difficult is the lack of independent growth. In many ways, it's a burden to be with someone form such a young age. You grow up together, and you grow into one another. During the times when your peers are out dating and learning what they want in an R, you are in a committed relationship. When your peers are learning to fend for themselves in the real world, you are fending for eachother. When everyone you know is sowing there wild oats so that they can settle in a few years, you are already settled and wodnering what the wild oats would be like.
I think people that haven't been in this type of relationship have no idea how difficult it can be. It ages you prematurely. You feel like you miss out on certain life experiences.
In my case, I fell in love at 15. By the time I was 18, the "honeymoon phase" had run its course. We stayed together and were happy, but I can honestly say that I envied my friends and their "new love". I felt frustrated that I was so young but that I was living life like someone twice my age.
I think your wife is likely dealing with alot of that (much like my own H is now). She probably feels in many ways like she cannot truat her judgement about men/life because she lacks experience (hence the escalating anger). It doesn't make her EA ok, but I completely I understand why it is happening.
The good news is, sweetheart-type relationships are extremely difficult to walk away from. You grew up together. You are more connected than many couples that come together as adults because you have history that spans many different developemental stages.
She might be acting as though your R doesn't matter right now because of the shiny newness of her EA, but believe me, when you detach and pull out that comfortable relationship rug from beneath her feet, she will be shaken.
Seriously.
I've had my own EA (before marriage) and PA (brief fling after marriage), and I can tell you point blank that had my H not been there as my place of comfort and stability - as someone that I knew I could turn to when I was down playign around - I would not have been as attracted to the affairs.
I find it difficult to take alot of the great advice given here myself. I find myself asking if I'm just proving his "we just don't work as husband and wife" BS by detaching.
I ask myself whether I really want to stay. Am I really sure?
You'll have tons of questions, and you'll be on a constant emotional rollercoaster. It's normal. The good news is, the sooner you start truly working at applying the principles, the better chance you have. You've gotten here pretty early in the game, so that's excellent.
