Here's a concept. Send her blessings whenever she annoys you. Focus on you rather than her. The more you call her nasty names, the more she stays under your skin.
I did that and am peace. Yes, spouse (my way of neutralizing my connection with the guy I married) can still rattle my cage but the longer I am away from it, the better I feel.
And working out is a superb way of releasing steam. And heck.. why would you want womenfolk chasing you when you're still embroiled with your spouse. They probably sense you're still wrapped up with her in a negative sense. Who would want to touch that?
All your life you've probably been told what an incredibly handsome man you are. Use it to your advantage. Trust me the women at the gym and ever other place notice. Your looks can intimidate them or make them feel not worthy. It's amazing what occasional eye contact, a smile, greeting them can do over time. Relax, enjoy, and heal yourself.
And don't forget, you can DB your spouse with the sale of the house. "Absolutely spouse. I understand why you feel that way." It takes two to fight and as long as she thinks she's in a struggle, she'll keep going at you.
Yay, Rah Rah.. You go Rob!!! (insert cheerleader stuff.. whoo hoo!)
I gotta agree with everyone else - dont play into the drama. Move ahead with the sale and hopefully find a new location that is a more convenient drive to your school and to D6.
Well, XW sent me a SCATHING e-mail today and she was livid about my working w/Citimortgage to lower the payments on the house while I'm living there so I could afford it. She tried to throw it back at me and say I'd owe her the amount in back payments once the house sold. She also accused me of lying to her about the offer on the house b/c "I knew about it for days before I told her" when I told her as soon as we got it on Sunday.
The problem is my real estate agent screwed up on the dates so now XW thinks we've been plotting against her.
So, she tells me my reducing the mortgage payment is in "violation of the court order" and she's alerted her L about it. She also says I haven't responded to her and have been working w/out her concent on selling the house.
Finally, she accused me of wanting to sell the house to avoid the "balloon payment" in April instead of wanting what was best long-term for our D.
So, I have to admit, I let her have it a bit. I know it probably wasn't "textbook DBing" but I did it anyway.
I told her of my financial plight and how my options w/the house were to let it go into foreclosure, declare bankruptcy or renegotiate w/the mortgage company. I choose to renegotiate. I broke down my money so she had zero confusion.
I next said the court documents say nothing against my refinancing the house to stay in it and keep it an asset, so I was w/in my rights to work w/CitiMortgage. I also pointed out to her that by staying in the house, I didn't have to look at a short-sale or foreclosure, which allows her to keep her credit clean. I think this and my financial information softened her a bit (more on that).
I finally told her I wasn't plotting against her, but was trying to move forward. I asked her to imagine living in a house filled w/ghosts w/a 1/2 empty bedroom and the door to your only child's room constantly closed b/c she's not there. I then told her if we get an acceptable offer we will sell the house, pay off the 2nd, then split the proceeds 50/50. If she doesn't agree w/that, then she can take me to small claims court and get her money later, but I will not give up any proceeds at the time of the sale.
I also offered to have her buy out her 1/2 of the joint credit card obligation and I'd have her legally signed off of that debt if she chose to do so w/her proceeds from the sale of the house.
I mentioned that it is difficult to get her to discuss anything w/me and when we do talk all she does is get angry w/ me whenever money is discussed. I was pretty firm and I did lay it on her a bit, but I felt I needed to put my foot down and let her know where I stood and what I wouldn't tolerate from her.
She then texts me about the counter offer she wants at $258K and then called me to talk about the instructions from the realtor for her to send it back through. While we were on the phone, we briefly talked about her getting my e-mail and I was able to calmly convey that I'm not trying to fight her or trick her, but to survive and get away from the house. She said she understood.
She then said she didn't like it when I expected her to respond to me immediately and I affirmed her frustration by saying "I can understand how that would frustrate you and how my actions would be confusing to you. Thank you for sharing that w/me."
I thanked her for taking the time to read my e-mail fully and to try and understand my point of view. I also thanked her for agreeing to talk w/me calmly right then and I offered for us to continue talking about the house later.
I think I was able to stop her in her tracks w/my firm response to her and I also think my affirming her feelings helped as well. Now it is wait and see time.
Hopefully, the counter-offer will be good and we'll take it and move forward. I'm just praying for that and to get this as smoothly finished as possible.
Now to answer Gypsy and Kerry...
Gypsy, I love your idea and I'm very interested to talk some more about it. If I can do that w/my XW, then I'd truly be healing and healthy. Can you give me an example or can we discuss what you are thinking further?
Kerry, I agree that the sooner this is over, the better for us all. I really can't wait.
Wow Rob... I'm so sorry about all this. Its really very sad, isnt it?
I think you did a great job in just emailing her, from the heart and expressing to her all your hurt in how she speaks to you and her lack of understanding about hjow difficult it is for you to live there. Its not dbing, but you're done with that, right. And its not to guilt trip her, you are just defending yourself and rightly so.
She just keeps reducing everything to money and whose said what and lies and dates and times and blame and.. well, theres no real emotion, is there? Have you noticed that? No realness. Maybe she cant handle it. Maybe anger and arguments are easier for her, rather than acknowledge any loss or feelings.
I'm glad though tbat she did call you up.. and you were able to talk about it and she admitted that its hard, or at least that she understood you are in a difficult position. I really dont understand why she continues to berate you so much. Even if you have lost money here.. well, thats what happens when you D, did she think it would be a bed of roses and she would turn a profit? She could have decided to not push it in the worst economic downturn in years! It was her choice, the timing. I really dont understand.
How are you feeling about it all? It must be very hard to constanrly be on the receiving end of the vitriol of someone you loved very much once. Hugs to you Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
First of all, don't get me wrong as she never uttered a word about acknowledging how difficult I've got it right now. No, she'd never do that. I'm sure she'd consider it to be showing weakness or something. Nothing was said, but she toned it down immediately after my e-mail and was "decent"...and decent is the best I'm going to get from her.
As for me, I am tired and it is sad. Maybe you are right and this is the only way she can deal w/things. Any other way would be forcing her to face her emotions.
I just need to get the house, joint credit card, ring, and pensions squared up so she won't have any more anger about money she can use against me.
I am tired of her antics and anger. I am worn out w/this and need some really good news on all fronts.
I had an ok workout at the gym, but I did sweat. Now I'm going to relax tonight and try to catch up w/everyone before heading to bed.
I just need to get the house, joint credit card, ring, and pensions squared up so she won't have any more anger about money she can use against me.
Don't hold your breath. After everything is settled, the blame will transform into hypotheticals...if Rob had just _____________ then things would be different. The big difference is that you won't have to listen to it
Rob, You sound like a very intelligent man. You know very well, that in this market any offer that even comes close to braking even should be snapped up as fast as possible. Your X seems unaware that it is a buyers market and there are plenty of homes for sale that are far undervalued. You really need to do the rational thing here. Maybe you have become so used to trying to please and appease XW that you just do it out of habit. This time , think of yourself. It is sad, that XW has kept you prisoner in that house , while she lived where and with whom she wanted. The fcat she can keep up this acrimony is proof she still has many deep feelings for you, maybe negative, but feelings. Remember, she cheated on you, divorced you and took your child. Why would you think she would do anything other then be hurtful now. She seems to know no other way, even when it defies reason. Stick to your guns!
Yep! I've got ZERO doubts there will be another round of crap from XW, but you are correct, once things are finalized, I won't have to listen to her at all. Can I begin counting the days to that moment yet?
bizarre, thank you for your support as always. I'm glad to read your posts and thoughts.
I'm going to get her to take whatever deal we get so we can end this saga. Yes, I've been held prisoner in my own house and it sucks. I'm pretty sure now I didn't pick up the best representation from my L and now I'm paying the price for it.
I understand the market completely, while she's been absent from it for over a year. Even when we were in it attention, she didn't pay attention (and remember that is my fault b/c she didn't pay attention).
She sent me this e-mail today:
Quote:
If my email sounded angry and hostile, it was because I was calling you on the carpet about doing things without my knowledge and/or permission.
I don't harbor ill-will toward you, Rob. I pray you will find happiness and peace...and learn to love yourself. Those are the same things I have prayed for you for the last 12 years. You should know that by now.
Doesn't harbor ill-will? WTF? Does she not read her own e-mails? Ok, I'll admit, she's baffling to me.
My reply was "polite" but I did point out a fact or two to her to remind her of where we are w/things:
Quote:
Thank you for your response. I appreciate your honesty.
Please remember that I have tried to keep you in the loop but we have had communication issues on both ends, not just on mine. Thus, I did the best I could with the information I had.
I'm hoping we can continue to work cooperatively from here on out concerning our financial connections as well as our co-parenting of D.
I appreciate your wish for me to find happiness, peace and love for myself. I wish nothing but the same for you as well.
I don't feel like I kissed her butt, but I also made sure she didn't get away w/just blaming me for things. I love her "well wishes" for me when she's the one that needs them more than I do.
I also informed her our counter-offer had been received and we should hope they have an acceptable reply. I reminded her that keeping our equity line w/a small balance probably less than $6-$8K depending on the final numbers wouldn't be a bad thing b/c we're at prime minus 1% and the FED just lowered rates again.
So, I've got us a Home Equity Line of Credit at 1% below prime and I'm being accused of mis-managing our money? Does that argument make sense to anyone else?
If you look at my last couple of posts, how would you recommend me going about "blessing" XW instead of being angry? I'm guessing I don't need to do this to her, but I'd love to find out what you think and how you would apply it to what I've experienced as of late.
I'm very curious as the thought is a good one and could indeed lead to a more healthy me.
