Yup...I have it on good authority that Refuse to Lose is a very powerful dude with lots of tricks up his sleeves! Beware!
...back to reality...though that's not to say Rob isn't strong...I just don't think he's got THAT MUCH power (yet)...
First off - Rob, thank you for reminding me to be cautious. Sometimes I forget that I have to pull back on some parts of me - and that means doing 180s in a different sort of way. My tendency is to be open and straightforward - a friend of mine thinks I'm honest to a fault - but that just comes from having been raised in a family in which we were encouraged - no - told to lie instead of having my father face the reality of who were and what we were going through...in response to my childhood I developed this habit of speaking my mind no matter what - and while it's gotten my into trouble at times...it's not something I've regretted...now, however, with my W...I just can't speak my mind. I can't call her and say: "Hi, it's me, I just wanted to let you know that I know that you perceive me as abusive, but I also know that a lot of the stuff that you accuse me of happens to echo stuff you've told me about your childhood. I would love to fix our marriage, but I know that can't happen unless and if you decide to take care of your anger and the issues plaguing you from your childhood."
See....to me, that just sounds rational and direct and workable...but to my wife it sounds like me deflecting all responsibility for our problems onto her past - which isn't my point of view...since I know that I've done things that have exacerbated her pain - in that I've bitten at the anger bait - and have also allowed myself to become someone other than who I had envisioned myself becoming...Still, as RTL said, my wife's flaws, in so far as she doesn't address them, admit them or engage them have become her chains - and for a few years now those chains have held us both...and I know that I have to be free of them...I'm writing this now to remind myself of this point of view tomorrow - since I feel strong and have a semblance of clarity at the moment - though I know that I will be beset with sadness again in the next few days...leading up to the holidays...
Dudess - I appreciate your honesty in saying that you see her calming down in terms of divorce not reconciliation - since I don't really see reconciliation as a possibility without her finding a way to heal from her pain - or confront her own demons. I know - oh my goodness do I know - that I am a flawed man and that there are many ways in which I can improve myself - but I cannot let that awareness hide me from the reality that my W has some very, very serious issues to consider...and we can never have a healthy relationship (as divorced friends or as reconciled H/W) if she continues to refuse to look at herself.
I will send her the link to the Paradise Lost podcasts - maybe tomorrow night - and I'll just let her think of me what she needs to think...
Rob...have you noticed how many of the people here are teachers? I used to teach as well...and miss it terribly...I think a lot about going back to teaching again...
