When do the tears go away ?

[still hopeful]

whitneypinch,

I too have family and friends who have grown tired of hearing my saga because I have not done as they have instructed me to do, thus, in their minds, I am stuck because I choose to be stuck with the emotions that I have. I suppose from a purely clinical and antiseptic point of view they would be right, but I view the human mind and heart as a bit more complex than simple mathematics, or even very complex mathematics. I try to figure me out every day with the help of the Lord. I often lean on Him hard and often there is only One set of footprints in the sand. He carries me when I cannot move forward myself and when I am able, I follow along working to bring His will to be.

I commend your efforts in improving yourself as a dad and as a man. Children are the greatest gifts from God. Pure joy. Remember, effort makes us both smarter and better people. It all starts with knowing what you want and putting in the effort to make what you want come to be. GREAT BOOK: The five Love Languages of Children by Chapman and Campbell. I will suggest more later. You can probably find this at your local library.

I always want to include my XW in anything our children and I do. I can't remember excluding her except to take our children out to visit my/their side of their family. XW knows she is NOT welcome. Too much water under the bridge for right now. Additionally, I always talk glowingly about XW to our children. They are not my counselor and I remember that. They are our children.

Yes, XW and I have both missed firsts. The peril of being separated/divorced. I was there for D8's first tooth loss (wife was bent) and was unfortunately there for S3's first 3 stitches on his 3rd birthday. I also go out of my way to share funny stories and happenings with XW by VM or text so she doesn't miss out unnecessarily. Basically, I try to go out of my way to do the right thing because I dug myself a HUGE hole with my stupid mistake sooooo, I gotta lotta makin' up to do still to prepare the ground for even the potential of a reconciliation. I'm up for it. I know Jesus talks to my heart and I follow my heart, despite how crazy those around me think I am.

Here's a blow up story about my XW. We celebrated S3's 3rd birthday at her house. XW was drinking ALL day and that spells disaster almost always. I was there having a good time and XW asked me to watch some of the children in the pool. XW also asked me to put up the pool fence for her. I agreed to both and the girls quickly exited the pool so I walked around the side of the house and picked up the pool fence (pop-in kind)and brought it back around to install.

I was installing the pool fence and her/our previous neighbor came out to talk with me for a minute. I realized I didn't grab both portions of the fence barrier and moved it to the other side. Mind you, all of this took maybe 10 minutes. Neighbor and I continued our friendly chit-chat and I told her I needed to get the other piece of the fence, so I walked around the house.

It's probably a 5-7 minute walk to grab the fence and walk back, and when I got back XW was trying to grab the fence from my hand and tell me to get out of her house. I told her, "I told you I'd put it up and I will." She insisted that I just get out. Puzzled, and knowing alcohol consumption is in play, I tell her that I am going to round up our children and leave. She then begins to tell me that they want to stay with her, and she is holding S3 and D8 is sitting right next to her and she goes on a swearing rant about how she can't believe that I and neighbor (who is married) are having an affair.

After remaining calm, while gathering our children's belongings XW's "good friend" (male, of course) comes over to me to try to talk ME down and to tell me that HE is not going to stand by while I yell at XW again! Again remaining calm, I simply told him if you want to be helpful, help me find my children's belongings and we'll be out of here. He didn't, but I got our stuff and we left without further incident.

In my situation, a third person is rarely part of the mix, but the dynamics are basically the same. Alcohol consumption only makes it all worse. After I left, I spoke with neighbor and her husband, and neighbor filled me in that when I went to get the 2nd piece of fence around the house, XW came after her, verbally attacking her in the presence of her D8 and S1. I was completely unaware of this, as I was not anticipating talking to neighbor further when I arrived back with the 2nd piece of fencing. Total craziness, but I have become so much better at remaining calm in the face of a raging storm. For me, calm is the key to being able to respond rather than to react in kind and escalate the situation.

I have gained a great deal of insight about communicating with and interacting with women at David Cunningham's www(dot)[censored](dot)com. Check this out. It will open your eyes and help you to understand your W better. It will also help you to understand your own errors that YOU have made in the past. Helps me daily.

The difficulty you are going to have in communicating with her is that you have soooo few opportunities. Read David Cunningham's material and prepare for your next opportunity, as you have so few chances to make a positive impact on her.

I know that I did what I did in my M. And yes, I do have to live with what I have done, but I firmly believe that my remorse is sufficient to wash me of my sin, but her choice and continued choices will only lead to guilt, which is much more powerful and hurtful. But that is another story line, as I was taught today that I must NOT keep score about who does what. Keeping score is completely counterproductive to staying solution-based and reconciling.

Today again, I was reminded that her anger and her hurt are most likely for deeper and far more painful than I have even imagined. I was counseled to be kinder than she is. I was counseled to keep harsh, cutting remarks to myself.

My friend, neither you nor I are going to be getting a purple heart for working on ourselves to improve ourselves. Neither of us is looking for a medal. Both of us are looking for the opportunity to reconcile with our wives and to make our families whole again.

I believe that I understand how much you love your W. I believe I understand your pain and sorrow. What I can tell you is that your W 'fell' in love with you once, and she can certainly 'fall' in love with you again. YOUR work is to figure at how to trip her attraction triggers by BEING different in a masculine, leading way whenever the opportunities present themselves.

I cannot urge you enough to read David Cunningham's blog/e-mail starting today. The more time you give yourself to read and digest the material AND put it to work, the better. The fabulous thing about this material is that you can practice on female friends, co-workers, clerks at stores, fellow female shoppers in the grocery store. Yes, it's aimed at those in long term relationships, but you can practice the banter with someone you just met or practice more involved conversations with other women in your life.

Lastly, my XW started dating as soon as she found out about my mistake. She has had 4 separate BF's and all of them were disastrous relationships. I cannot remember who wrote this, but it was aimed at men wanting to get back together with a past lover/wife. The advice was simple. KNOW that you are the best choice for her. Work on your confidence to exude that confidence, but not in an arrogant way. In a knowing way. THAT is what I have used to keep me strong as I have watched the parade of men she has invited into her life and my children's.

But I digress, when the opportunity arises to DO for her, know what you are going to do. Only YOU know your right answer. I have generally chosen to DO, and my friends cringe at my actions.

I wish you well. Take care of you and your children. Do things for yourself to bolster you confidence and self-esteem. Be a man, but make sure you are a GOOD man.

Tom