Hey Mish! I agree!! I would say to him.. "what do you really think!?". I think when I say, didnt argue, of course we would bicker if tired like any couple! But I mean, we didnt have destructive, or hurtful arguments, the destructive, throw his clothes out hte window stuff that some woman engage in! I was respectfuil and never called him names, or swore nor did he. BUT.. yes, of course he was repressed!
And he should have spoken up sooner if he was unhappy. I did try and get him to! I did know he was like that and that he wore a mask, but I wrongly assumed he didnt AS much with me. So was Gabe like that?
I think now I know that, I would be more in tune and not get drawn in to another R like that. My BMF for example.. ok, hes M so off limits, but I still wouldnt go for him if he were single as I sense he needs IC.. the old me would have given it a go anyway and hoped for the best !
So Naej... can we leave the discussion there? I have learnt my lessons in R's/matured.
Its sinking in now that my ex doesnt want contact with me it seems sadly.. Lisa.. where are you?? You coped so well with NC and didnt let it get you down.. any advice on how to not take it personally !??
No great advise from me about the NC but how about this - He's the one missing out by not being in contact with you. You love and support him and genuinely care for him. Who else in his life does that? Probably not many and definitely not Helen! He's missing out on you. His loss. It's not about you - you're fabulous!!!
There, how's that?
Gabe was exactly like that Ali. He hid his true self from everyone except me but in the end he had found a way to hide from me too.
((((((((((Ali)))))))))))))
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Ali, I am sorry that you took my post the wrong way, you obviously have a deep dislike of me and I am sorry for that. If my post was inaccurate it was only based on what you had posted, now from never dating, you say you and your x were friends for 3 years then another year before you moved in together---I think almost everyone would call that dating as you then said "I guess we did date!" You also said in a previous post that you cried if you had to spend a night apart again giving the reader the idea that you were inseparable. It was certainly not my intention to critizise you for your hurt and pain-that is why will all come to this place, I don't know why you take it as such. I do not say great well done etc when I see people going over and over the same ground. What good does that do. I try to point out that often, indeed nearly always that there are no answers to why people break up. Going over and over IMO does no good it prevents our growth and prevents us from healing. Mishka made some very good points about your statement of never arguing with your x in 9 years. Now does that 9 yrs include the threee as friends and the year living separately. It doesn't matter. You need not worry I shall no longer bother you with my judgemental, overcritical unhelpful posts. For such a quiet homebody something touched a nerve for you to lash out with such a vicious attack on me. I wish you well.
There may be another parallel between you and I here in our choices of who we're attracted to. Keep in mind, I'm just going off of three examples (xBF, BMF, and your EA at work), but maybe you should talk w/ your C in your next session about seeking out "projects" or "fixer-uppers."
Again, it seems a bit parallel here b/c in my C sessions, I've come to realize I've been attracted to certain types of girls - ever since high school. I've always gone after girls I can "help" or somehow "fix."
My disfunctional upbringing caused me to seek out women that fit this bill b/c if I helped to "fix" them, then they'd always be there for me.
Now, I'm not pointing a finger at your family or upbringing, but maybe there is a pattern here for you to examine. Now I only say that b/c xBF is a mess (well-documented), you've stated BMF is one you'd never go for b/c "he needs IC" and the EA guy at work had his own issues.
Maybe there is something that attracts you to them/them to you, or both. Again, just a thought but I found it interesting in my own sitch to look back at EVERY girl I've either dated or had a "thing" for and hopelessly pursued and sure enough, they were all in need of their own IC - my XW included.
My patterns blinded me to this but now, if something starts to feel "familiar" w/ a woman, I put up the red flags. Familiar for me means latching on to another loon and that's no healthy way to go.
So, not sure what you think, but your line about BMF got me thinking there may be something to this that could be beneficial for you to explore. On the other hand, it could end up being a bunch of bunk and just more words of nonesense from ol' RTL.
Hey Rob! Hi Mrs M! So yes, you are spot on !!! I am an empathic Piscean, I do tend to 'attract' certain people like you say. I have had a year of C and we did get into this with her, patterns, absolutely. And I recognise its not healthy for me! My ex though was very caring and nurturing and was a good partner, he didnt take his chit out on me, as they say, or 'act out'... until he left me !!! It is glaringly obvious that he has huge emotional issues. The EA guy claimed to not have any! He was a pretty confident kind of guy, just a bit arrogant!
But all 3 guys I have lived with all had either emotionally absent or actual absent fathers. And they were left with deep scars. They also all had domineering, critical mothers who werent able to give them unconditional love. I see this now (with C). Interesting. And yes, I grew up in a family where I was the peace maker, there was ALOT of anger between my parents and then with them and my sister... and I was the one they all came to for soothing comfort, to confide in me...I was the 'healer' for them. So..enough of all of that!
And the red flag thing is very important. I just hope I spot it! I feel proud of myself for spotting it in BMF, because the old me wouldnt have. I feel like I have grown up so much this past year, I feel like I am a better person for it and strangely I am really grateful to my ex for that! You too hey Rob??
I do wish we could stay/be friends though, he is a great guy (despite how he acted this year!) and we have many mutual friends. I miss talking to him, which is what he said to me lately. My BFF said.. well he's lost his best mate too hasnt he, like you have. Doesnt mean he wants me back, but yes, maybe he realises now the value of the friendship he has lost? Like Mishka said (thanks Mish!) .. I do genuinely love and care about him and really listen to him, like noone else in his life.
...wow, so another day goes by of NC... he must really have decided to leave me alone/cant face me/doesnt want to upset Helen/is happy with Helen/who knows! I'm really sad about it though.
I am writing my dissertation and in doing my research, I came across this..
"Venus and the angles between it and other planets can intensify or retard its function. Thus, Saturn square Venus, acts as a constraint on the individual's desires; this produces ascetisim or repression."
... my ex has an exact tight square of Saturn to Venus. He is repressed alright.
Yes, I too am strangely greatful to my XW for helping me to find the courage inside of myself to push for change. I'm no where near finished, but I am better. The red flags are much easier to spot, and kudos to you for picking up on BMF early. You've learned enough to save yourself the heartache.
As for being friends, I understand that completely as well. You and I both share that desire to at least have a friendship - doesn't have to be a "best friends forever" type of thing - but I'm afraid we'll both have a bit to wait for this to happen, albeit for completely different reasons.
For me, XW and I will need to solve ALL of our remaining "items" and then she'll need a massive cooling off period before we can be friends of any sort. You on the other hand will most likely have to wait as well, but because xBF is such a mess emotionally and mentally, not because he's a huge, rude a-hole. I've got the queen of the a-holes in my story.
So, for now, I don't try and be XW's friend, b/c I know she can't handle it. In time, I may try, but for now, it is simply a waste of time, effort and energy.
Unfortunately, it seems as if you might be in the same boat.
Hey Rob...I was feeling so grateful this morning for all I have learnt and been forced to face in myself, really hard work, real character building stuff!
But then.. for some reason, I had a massive moment of clarity today. I realised that my ex has been lying to me, to save himself, for the past 18 months. To not look the bad guy.
I dont know why he persisted in saying "I wasnt interested in her then".. if he was phoning her secretly in Aug/Sep 07 BEFORE leaving me.. and is NOW dating her.. Hmmm.. funny coincidence!
So.. he never replied to my email last week about the mortgages, not even to thank me for sorting out the payments. Its really sad its come to this. But I let him go. I accept now, despite what he has insisted before, during and since the bomb (its not abot her).. that it was about her.
My Dad told me tonight, that when they visited in April 07, my ex was fine, relaxed, excited confiding in my Dad he was going to whisk me off to Mauritius or the Maldives in the summer.. we talked M that April too, with his BMF and W.. then.. he met her end May/early June and that was it. He never came back from that.
So how can he say, he wasnt interested in her? He's now with her and NOT contacting me, in case it rocks the boat with her. I guess he lied.. to protect me, or protect himself.. I am not sure, but I know he feels tremendous guilt.
How his depression fits into this, I dont know, as he clearly has been severly depressed and still is.. perhaps thats why he got lured by her (as she doesnt sound like a step up from me?), becuase he was depressed and unhappy and feeling all dead inside and he externalised his problems and saw her as the answer?
I need to have a think about this one. But you need to cut back on the Alinalysis! (I haven't used that in a while, and I felt the urge!)
I think that as the core, it isn't about her, it is about him, and only him. It might be that in his depressed state, the way that he felt with her seemed better to him. He might not have had to cover as much, as she was a step down. He might have been tired of hiding from you, or maybe he knew that you would eventually see through him. Whereas she probably won't? But that doesn't mean that it is about her, it was about him doing whatever he could to make himself feel better, without a lot (ok, any) concern for what hurt he might cause anyone else.
Anyway, I think it really isn't about her. If it wasn't her, it probably would have been someone else, in his state. To quote our friend Woog...... "He's broken."
