I do have anger and it is much easier to blame her for me being angry at the whole situation. I hate what she's done to us and our families. I do have shame. This is a very humbling process. To me, its embarrassing. I failed for some reason and I didnt know I was failing until the end. I dont want people to think Im a raging lunatic behind the scenes. I am not at all. I'm a really good person. I'm a great father, I'm great in the community, I have a great job. I was great to my W. Maybe not perfect and maybe I didnt speak her LL very well, but darn it, I was a good husband.
Its true that I cannot do enough. She turns everything I do into an attack on her. She turns it into 'your hurting the kids'. I didnt choose this, I'm not the one hurting the kids.
I find some people on this board have been separated for a year or more. I am on my 8th month. Whats troubling to me is my W filed for D before we were even separated. Before we could even discuss there was a problem..she just said it's over, I'm filing. That impatience really bothers me. Its like I never got a fair shake to work through it. I felt I was owed more than that. I felt being together almost 18yrs, I deserved more respect than that.
I do listen to everyones opinions. This is a tough time, even though I feel like one of the veterans on this board. Wish I wasnt. This will be my second holiday season under duress. Last year we spent it together as a family. She wore my present for three days, then gave it back to me saying she didnt think I'd want her to wear it. I had to return it. That was embarrassing. This year we will be apart. I get my kids in the morning, she gets them in the evening and the following week. That week will be hell, I'm sure of it. I'm already out of crown royal and may set the december record. I'm not an alcoholic, but being out of crown is a good thing and a bad thing.
I can try to detach the best I can...the problem is I still love my wife even though I get pissed at her choices. She gets under my skin in a hurry when I feel she's taking advantage for some reason. I wont let her do that (take advantage). I make sure she realizes the consequences of the situation, she needs to experience that. She made choices. She cant have it both ways.
