Before he called I thought he was probably procrastinating about getting back to me because he wasn't sure if he wanted to see me. I'm surprised he didn't just text me and tell me he was busy. Maybe he was really struggling with it?
After I got off the phone I wished I had said something like, "Taking a bus for 2 hours from boston to maine, to me, is not that different from taking the commuter rail from NJ to NYC" (which I did in June to meet him for dinner), but it escaped my mind.
I'm not sure that he will feel that I really answered his question about my motives. Can he smell me? After I have played it cool for so long? I tried to validate and assauge his fears that I didn't have any expectations (seriously, at this point, I wasn't even expecting him to RSVP, and I've made other plans, though I didn't say that). But I wasn't about to tell him, "I am coming to portland so I can show you how hot I am, and make you want me, while building our friendship, and hoping to seduce you".
I feel like I may have pushed too far (??) Post-bomb this is the closest we came to some sort of confrontation. But it is positive that he told me what he was thinking/feeling instead of just evading me. With my words and energy I think I made it really clear that it was up to him and that I was OK with whatever he decided.
It's interesting, considering how many opportunities/reasons that I gave him to say no, that he actually told me what he was feeling. And he used the word "relationship".
????????????????????
I had a little talk about B with my friend who I'm staying with. My friend is in his 60s and has a PhD in psychology and is an awesome counselor. My friend told me that I am doing a really good job of giving B lots of space, that it's clear that B feels very comfortable with me and treats me with friendship, and that B is very ambivalent about me. It hurt to hear him say that, and I wonder if what I think is progress is actually me just getting closer to the ambivalence??? I don't know.
So maybe I didn't make the best choice, putting myself out on a limb like that, but I think I handled it really well.
*Sigh*
I am so tired, I am running on 4 hours of sleep!! And covered in dry plane sweat.
