Hi Beth, "disordered thinking" - I like the way you put it...
I agree with you that validating in a DB sense is more about what is acceptable or okay - though the problem I've found here is that there really isn't much in the DB/DR books about how to validate an emotionally abusive spouse who has gone the full route of projecting everything on to you (and here I'm thinking of Refuse to Lose and his being blamed for the global credit crisis).
I have tried several different approaches to talking with my W - some work - some don't - one thing that fails no matter what is any and all talk about R - though I think that's true for just about anyone that comes to this site...When we were still talking I tried using the SET technique described in a book about borderline personality disorders - and that seemed to work - as least in the short term - though she still managed to pull pieces of the conversation and refashion them into something I had never said...(if she were a sculptor she would be able to turn a cow pie into one of Rodin's Port d'Enfer).
...but I digress...what I'm coming to remember (which is a twisted sort of sentence in its own right) is that I cannot do much to communicate with her at all...I can be kind to her - and not react to her anger - and just offer my friendship not try to impose my love on her in any way...and that's about it.
Tonight, when she came by to pick up S2, she did her usual thing of calling from the car instead of ringing the doorbell - but this time she actually came to the door to get S2 - which was unusual...I took the proximity as a chance to ask her if she had heard the recent reading of an excerpt from Paradise Lost on NPR (we're both fans of Milton) - and she said she hadn't heard it - but didn't snip in her usual way...so I said, "just let me know if you're interested, and I'll email you the link." It is an impressive podcast - a reading of the entire poem - I stayed up all night listening to it recently...well I didn't stay up to listen, I just couldn't sleep, and the words and images kept me company in a gentle way...
Hm...just got a call from a friend who is going through his own separation...my age, his wife has so very much in common with mine - but they have no kids...and he's reached a point where he just feels like her anger and and her affairs have become too toxic for him...when I hear him talk about his W, it's hard for me to find a reason to convince him to work on his marriage...even though here I sit...still considering the possibility of reconciliation...though also knowing that even if my wife were to call me tonight and ask to reconcile, I could only do so if she agreed to get some help...not in terms of MC - but in terms of dealing with her darkness.
I'm still seeing a T - and it helps me a lot - mostly just helping me keep things in perspective - and sometimes he even points out positives in my own words that I had missed...
