Help, it seems my 35 year old wife is in MLC #13

[Punktmann]

Imageer, I certainly think that keeping on being supportive and loving is an excellent thing.

Having said that, I think there is a difference between being loving and "enabling."

I feel for W and I want to reach out to her even though I know I shouldn't. On the other hand I know I keep saving her rather than allowing her to find her way through this. I feel that I keep taking away her problems and allow her to continue in this life unscathed.

Loving is what we should be aiming for of course, but when do we cross that line to enabling their messed up behavior?

I certainly didn't pick that boundary well back when I could/should have, (WAAAYYYY too enabling,) but as a divorced dad, I've found where I think that is for me now.

I'm supportive of the kids in every way as far as "making mom feel better," through gifts, calls, etc.

I dropped all interest in her problems, to the point that I just react in a supportive manner and cut things off immediately if everyone is safe.

She recently forgot to pick the kids up for the second time w/in 2 weeks, and the second time, it was the day after I reminded her to p/u early.

After receiving a call from the school, I called her and said "I'm not trying to give you a hard time, I just called to make sure everyone is OK, and I don't need to pick anyone up,"

HER: "You don't have to do anything, I'm only 5 minutes away, I just forgot again! {angry,}

ME: "That's OK, I just wanted to make sure everyone is safe, and that I don't need to make other arrangements,"

HER: "It's not OK, I forgot again!" {angry,}

ME: "well, you sound upset, and I don't want to make you more upset, so I'll let you go now, goodnight..."

OK, she messed up, but I don't want to be a part of rubbing her nose in it, OR enabling her by doing what I normally did and comforting her with "it's all OK."

Whatever she did/does, she set it up, she bought it. It's not mine.

If she was even remotely in a reconciliation mode, I'd be very inclined to help her through the mistake emotionally, but that's not my place anymore. It's the other guy's.

FWIW, I wish I had gotten to that point a lot earlier. Not to be a jerk, but to make the cake-eating point. Maybe that's what we all call detachment.

I think you do a good job with being supportive, and covering all the bases with your kids. I just wanted to throw that out there as an example of loving/enabling.

Supportive is "you're a good mom and a great XYZ employee," enabling is "there's nothing wrong with what you're doing."

I think you're on the right track with those things.

Best wishes to you, your kids, and your W.

Punkt.