Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

breton39,

You added a great deal of perspective for me. Thank you for your time and insight. You are absolutely right. My keeping score is wrong. In my words, it's stupid, pointless and counterproductive.

I agree that the physical contact (plus her need to lean on me emotionally whenever the mood strikes her) is a sign of some movement in the direction of forgiveness. She insists she has forgiven me, but she punishes me at every opportunity.

I do get the sense that she is looking for me to be compliant with her wayward wishes; for me to get back in line as the spineless husband that she grew accustomed to having. In a strange way, I also believe that her self destructive pattern is in full tow to hurt me, and equally because her self esteem is in the toilet. My affair only torpedoed whatever self-esteem she did have. Nice job, Tom. <Heavy sarcasm!>

To answer your question, 3 months was the length of my affair. I have no good, reasonable, acceptable explanation for my mistake. I was unhappy, we were unhappy, and I took the worst, most cowardly way out. No excuses, no free passes, no acceptable reasons based on the 'history' in our M. I did it. I own it. I'm living with it. As my mother told me, "Time wounds all heels!" How's that for a mom? But then again, my mom says that XW wanted out long before I gave her her 'guilt free' pass out. Dunno. Many times I felt like XW's 'working' on the marriage was that she hadn't divorced me yet. I do know my affair was wrong then, it's wrong today, and it'll be wrong tomorrow.

Regardless, I need to hear from more spouses who have been cheated on so that I will be able to truly grasp the depth of her hurt and devastation. The sad thing is, her threatening me with D and telling me that she needed for me to move out was not uncommon. I believe that how hard my screw up hit her was a surprise and a shock to her. It truly took her by surprise how she felt. I think she thought EVERYTHING regarding the split and subsequent D was going to be easier. More reasons that, I would guess, she isn't willing to forgive me, although that could be from my score keeping. Again, be that as it may, I love that woman dearly and wish for the opportunity to make our marriage what we dreamed it would be when we began.

I have done a great deal of personal reflection and growth as a man over the past 3 years. I realize that I lacked some masculine or manly qualities to adequately keep stoked the fires of attraction in her for me that she had in the beginning. I have made concerted efforts to improve myself and I think I've done a good job up until now. I'm not done though. My work on me is my gift to me, to my children, and to whomever is the next partner in my life (if there ever is one), hopefully her.

I also realize that XW needs to grow in her own ways, and I am NOT keeping score here. I can't change her. Only she can herself and if she won't, then my hopes for reconciliation are futile. I realize that I will not take our M back as it was because THAT is simply a recipe for disaster. We both had/have work to do on ourselves and we both needed to place our M first and fight for the M, first and foremost; not fight for our own individual, selfish wants and needs.

Thank you for pointing out something that should be at the forefront of my mind regarding XW. She is still angry and still deeply hurt by my betrayal. I will not make any more denigrating comments about her BFs. If asked, I will be polite and short with my answers.

Thank you for your thoughts on the touch and her desire to be in my presence that night as a positive. One thing that I found nice that night was when she said she needed to be around her family and she did not go out of her way to exclude me from that circle by verbally erecting her own impenetrable boundary. She HAS done 'stuff' like that in the past, but she chose not to do so that evening.

You are correct in my needing to grow my humility and to keep it on display in my interactions with others, but with her especially. My score keeping and my air of superiority from keeping score needs to stop today, as I did what I did, and at a minimum it led XW seeking and securing a D.

One last point that you made: you are right, I do need to be kinder than she is, and I usually am. But it's the second one that hit me between the eyes. I need to stop keeping score. We are not coming at each other from the same marital 'level.' My affair did put ME under water and because of my infidelity and the ensuing shock and pain that followed FOR HER, I have not earned her trust back, as of yet. I read recently in Torn Asunder (about affairs, Christian based book)that trust is regained through consistent behavior over time, mathematically reading, trust = CB/T. Thank you for illuminating that my keeping score is counterproductive to EVERYTHING that I have worked for for nearly 3 years. I am undermining myself; being my own biggest hurdle, and THAT is most likely why she hasn't softened and forgiven my transgression.

Thank you, you added a great deal of value to my thread and to me.

Sincerely,
Tom