Beth and Dudess, You're both talking about the trickiest part of validation for me...and maybe for others as well...it took me some time before I understood that I could validate (i.e. empathize) without agreeing with everything my wife says...Though it doesn't happen much anymore - since we hardly talk - before she moved out I had gotten to the point of listening, repeating what she would say and then offering my point of view - not as a correction - but as a way of introducing some pieces of reality into her perspectives.
It gets tricky - because her pain does make her see me as an abusive man that is incapable of listening to her - even when I am hearing everything she says - and taking in her thoughts as best I can...but I think the problems arise because it's not just about me validating her words (I have the same problem with that word as you, Dudess, especially the implications of "truth."), but about accepting what for her is very real.
While I could sit that and tell her over and over that I am not an abusive husband until I am blue in the face - it would accomplish nothing - for one thing - she believes that's exactly what an abusive husband would do (and I think she's right) and beyond that, it would put me back on my failed course of trying to "fix" everything for her - by denying the reality of her perception - insofar as her pain and fears are very, very real to her.
I picked up another book at the library today - "How to improve your marriage without talking about it" - I've only read about 30 pages into it - but I have found some interesting insights in there...mostly about shame and inadequacy - and how much those feelings were in me and clouding my judgment as I pulled away from my W before she dropped the bomb...
