Well, XW sent me a SCATHING e-mail today and she was livid about my working w/Citimortgage to lower the payments on the house while I'm living there so I could afford it. She tried to throw it back at me and say I'd owe her the amount in back payments once the house sold. She also accused me of lying to her about the offer on the house b/c "I knew about it for days before I told her" when I told her as soon as we got it on Sunday.
The problem is my real estate agent screwed up on the dates so now XW thinks we've been plotting against her.
So, she tells me my reducing the mortgage payment is in "violation of the court order" and she's alerted her L about it. She also says I haven't responded to her and have been working w/out her concent on selling the house.
Finally, she accused me of wanting to sell the house to avoid the "balloon payment" in April instead of wanting what was best long-term for our D.
So, I have to admit, I let her have it a bit. I know it probably wasn't "textbook DBing" but I did it anyway.
I told her of my financial plight and how my options w/the house were to let it go into foreclosure, declare bankruptcy or renegotiate w/the mortgage company. I choose to renegotiate. I broke down my money so she had zero confusion.
I next said the court documents say nothing against my refinancing the house to stay in it and keep it an asset, so I was w/in my rights to work w/CitiMortgage. I also pointed out to her that by staying in the house, I didn't have to look at a short-sale or foreclosure, which allows her to keep her credit clean. I think this and my financial information softened her a bit (more on that).
I finally told her I wasn't plotting against her, but was trying to move forward. I asked her to imagine living in a house filled w/ghosts w/a 1/2 empty bedroom and the door to your only child's room constantly closed b/c she's not there. I then told her if we get an acceptable offer we will sell the house, pay off the 2nd, then split the proceeds 50/50. If she doesn't agree w/that, then she can take me to small claims court and get her money later, but I will not give up any proceeds at the time of the sale.
I also offered to have her buy out her 1/2 of the joint credit card obligation and I'd have her legally signed off of that debt if she chose to do so w/her proceeds from the sale of the house.
I mentioned that it is difficult to get her to discuss anything w/me and when we do talk all she does is get angry w/ me whenever money is discussed. I was pretty firm and I did lay it on her a bit, but I felt I needed to put my foot down and let her know where I stood and what I wouldn't tolerate from her.
She then texts me about the counter offer she wants at $258K and then called me to talk about the instructions from the realtor for her to send it back through. While we were on the phone, we briefly talked about her getting my e-mail and I was able to calmly convey that I'm not trying to fight her or trick her, but to survive and get away from the house. She said she understood.
She then said she didn't like it when I expected her to respond to me immediately and I affirmed her frustration by saying "I can understand how that would frustrate you and how my actions would be confusing to you. Thank you for sharing that w/me."
I thanked her for taking the time to read my e-mail fully and to try and understand my point of view. I also thanked her for agreeing to talk w/me calmly right then and I offered for us to continue talking about the house later.
I think I was able to stop her in her tracks w/my firm response to her and I also think my affirming her feelings helped as well. Now it is wait and see time.
Hopefully, the counter-offer will be good and we'll take it and move forward. I'm just praying for that and to get this as smoothly finished as possible.
Now to answer Gypsy and Kerry...
Gypsy, I love your idea and I'm very interested to talk some more about it. If I can do that w/my XW, then I'd truly be healing and healthy. Can you give me an example or can we discuss what you are thinking further?
Kerry, I agree that the sooner this is over, the better for us all. I really can't wait.
