When do the tears go away ?

[still hopeful]

whitneypinch,

I will respond to you in more detail later on tonight. In the meantime, I am sending you a hug from Sacramento. I know it all hurts. It all hurts me everyday. Seeing XW as often as I do only makes the pain and sadness that much more real and ever present.

I also understand that I am the only person in charge of my attitude and that my job is to keep the door to reconciliation ajar just a bit, to allow me to begin making a life alone but to also leave open the possibility of mending marriage this is broken right now. You and I don't have to make our broken marriages permanently broken. Your soon-to-be XW's feeling in love with you again can change.

QUESTION FOR YOU: Has she EVER had a change of heart about anything she was certain would NEVER change? Feelings about a friendship? Job? Political view? Anything? My guess is she has had many changes of heart. She's hurting, whether the hurt is real or imagined. Remember to focus on issues, NOT on who is right and who is wrong. Much less impact emotionally. No need for either of you to defend yourselves.

All is not lost, my friend. Stay in charge of your attitude. Chalk up your positive and negative interactions to separate and distinct interactions and don't read into them. Things that she says that hurt are purposeful. She's trying to hurt you to get back at you for a real or imagined slight. You don't have to be her punching bag. Stand tall, and firmly acknowledge that she seems really upset. If the issue was something that you did (or did NOT do) acknowledge your mistake and pledge to not purposefully make the same mistake again. If it was an imagined problem, simply explain that you understand why she may have thought you did this wrong, but THIS is what actually happened.

I have learned so much in dealing with my XW, and I am still learning so much in dealing with her. As I posted, last week I had her mother calling me to ask me what is going on with XW. All of that is on my thread, but the point of even mentioning it is that XW is not only puzzling to me, she puzzling to her entire family. Be that as it may, I am still deeply in love with her and want to make our marriage what we intended it to be when we married.

Sadly, I end up being the one she turns to when she has an upset or as challenge. I step up and answer the call, but others have said that I need to tell her that I am NOT her husband, call someone else. There is a right answer. I just don't KNOW what it is. I am simply doing what I believe is right.

We are still close in many ways, but not in the ways that count. Her best friend believes that we will get back together, but that same friend enables her to act the way she does. XW shows she needs me, verbally attacks me whenever I don't validate or agree with her thoughts or actions, and then runs away. I have found that although every woman is different, they are far more similar than different. The much bigger truth is that men are MUCH different than women. I know that I can't be XW. I can only be me and be true to my own reality and sense of right and wrong. THAT may end up making our reconciliation unworkable, but so would my morphing into someone other than myself to suit her. THAT was what killed her attraction for me in the beginning. THAT was what made her fall out of love with me.

You (we) are hurting. Work on healing yourself both spiritually and intellectually. THAT is what will help you with your confidence and your self-esteem and both will help you find (or maintain) your direction/purpose/mission in life. All of this will make you more a more attractive man in general, and to your soon-to-be XW, specifically.

Work on holding your tongue when your soon-to-be XW pisses you off. I have gotten much better at NOT fighting with my XW, but I need to get better at helping her resolve HER issue or encouraging her to seek out a girlfriend to revisit the issue if I've already listened to her issue once.

Nothing will be gained from a fight, but this takes practice and practice helps our self control. DO NOT get into a pissing contest, least of all in front of the children. Rise above everything in front of your children and vent instead here, to a friend, or to your counselor.

Anyway, I didn't mean to carry on that long. I will post again later tonight.

Tom
<hug for my brother>

p.s. I hope some of my post helps you. I don't have all of the answers for your sitch (or mine, sadly), but I'm still in the game and being here helps for both ideas and encouragement.

p.s.s. I have some suggested readings for you, but first and foremost DB and DR. If you've read them, read them again.

p.s.s.s. I found Vernetta (DB counselor) quite skilled and helpful. I also found my own local counselor helpful, but regardless of the counselor, YOU have to be ready to heal. Really ready to heal, and healing hurts.