What I was referring to that, I need to gather my thoguths and, as AmyC suggested, look at all He has done. I know I keep busy for the sake of not letting my mind settle. That, unfortunately allows my emotions to build up to a nasty crescendo and also doesn't let my mind resolve this situation. Last night was good. I did get a lot out of my head. I was journaling and then stopped, I will start again.
Oh yeah, I am definitely not too tired to pursue my family in this....I find myself exhausted sometimes, I mean thoroughly exhausted. I have looked at many things, last night I was trying to fal asleep, but realized I haven't seen her, really talked to her and feel bad that she is not seeing what I now see and what everyone else sees. Then I think about her brakes, I think about things she has asked me about or contacted me for. they have been few and far between, but nonetheless important. She has reached out, I think, on a few occassions and I have slapped the hand down. I need to think about each situation and give it the right level of compassion, not just the anger. Things she has seen of me over the last 3 weeks:
1. That my wedding ring is on the other hand. It is not off, but it is not showing her committement.
2. Not drinking, still. Thanksgiving gave her a showing of having fun with my family, basking in their presence. And she also saw that I did not need her approval, salutations or her acknowledgement to enjoy myself.
3. She has seen my committment to my D17 thru the Sunday night issue of my D17 taking off w/o any approval of the situation. And once I said I did not approve even though she thought I had, I took control and went and got her. When she called in her alcohol state on his cell phone, I told her it was taken care of and done.
4. Problems with her brakes. I checked out her car during my lunch, went in and explained her situation to her face to face and told her what to do to resolve it. Again, no fluff, stuck to the situation at hand in a very controlled way. Not that I am being controlling, but I don't think there is much decisive things going on in her life.
5. Friday nights phone call. She went off, let her go for a few and then got out of the conversation. Called her back to calm her and ask about her brakes and things she had me look after. She had done nothing. But that I had asked pout it back in her head, she saw that I cared.
She doesn't hear much about me, I don't think unless my younger D is telling her. I don't hear about her at all, and I don't ask.
I am over my anger, I believe. I will hold my ground still though. I nee to hammer some things ouit this week, tough myself and get them done. Xmas shopping needs to be done by Saturday afternoon. Xmas lights, yeah I'd like to do them, not feeling real festive, but I need to do it. Don't know why, but I am compelled. When she picks up D17, she needs to see festive!
Not much in my dreams last night that I remember. I spoke to Him and about Him to myself. That if she does not me, or contact me or anything else, how will she see Him in me. Thru me. My D17 told me she didn't believe in God. She doesn't see Him doing anything for her. She says she has no reason to . She has Faith and I explained to her who does she think has given her Faith. I told her I'd like it if she went to church with me, one time, like before. She'll think about it. I do know how she feels. But I know she does believe, she is just hurt.
I asked God for her to somehow reach out for me. To somehow remember. HE tells me she is going thru a huge turmoil in her life, that she has lost her way and will be back, that I need to have the Faith to believe that. Logic weighs against me, but it is my Faith and hope and Him that I am still upright and continuing on. He has told me that my joy will come from my Hope, that in the end, the Faith in everything I believe in will pay off. I told God it was sad of me to hope that she really is just dillusional and that this is not a permanent way she will be. He gave me signs and showed me things from all of this that make me know that she is in some transitional state. That she no longer knows where her happiness and where her heart belong. and He tells me that I too had lost my way and only thru this did I find my way back. It hurts to see this and to believe this is really happening to my life. I shake my head in disbelief virtually every morning. But my anger is now gone. I am more at peace with Him by my side. I am not alone.
I have looked at many things, last night I was trying to fal asleep, but realized I haven't seen her, really talked to her and feel bad that she is not seeing what I now see and what everyone else sees.
As you went on to say....your W "sees" you in many ways. Some of these ways, God will provide and you won't even be aware of them until much later (maybe even never). I think your biggest opportunity right now is to DETACH! Did you read that link I sent you? If not, here it is again: What is Detachment?
Most of what you write is focused on your W and what her reaction will/should be. You need to focus 100% on you and your kids. You seem far to focused on doing things because they might win your W back. I thought Detachment meant giving up on a person....it is EXACTLY the opposite. You detach so they can grow without you interfering...and ironically, detachment is the MOST loving thing you can do for a loved one. You and your W (and probably your kids) are finding your way back to the REAL source of love....God. In the end, your love for each other will be stronger for it!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
I did read it and have detached. It is only recently that I started wondering again, past week mostly. As I don't hear from, about or see her, it has been easy. I am focused on me, I know from what you have read it may not sound it, but nothing I do is for her benefit. I occassionally miss her, but after 31 years, it is to be expected. I am doing the things I do now, becuase they need to be done and they are things I want done. I have not done one major thing in my life since this that is for her to see and run back. They are things I need to do in order to keep my sanity, and my hoppe and strength alive, so I can be a good father, and friend to those around me. So yes, I am detached pretty much, mostly. I think as my anger has began to disappear I again wonder what she is thinking. I am not angry anymore, and I know what I want to be doing. Yes I would like her to know about me now, she doesn't know me or who I am. And yes I believe God will show her these things in time. But I miss her at this time of year and I already suffer from the holiday blues since the death of my Dad. This just adds to it. I know I fade back every now and then, but I am who I am because God intends me to be this way. I am good with that, trustme.
FaithfulH, read it again, yes I am doing everything it says. I have removed the toxic relationships or as I refer to the them the "Bad Vibe" group. I do not ask for opinion or support as everyone just gives opinions based on nothing anyway.
My final step in detachment was seeking the higher power (3 weeks ago). Again, I only go back, rarely, to ask what she is thinking, not directly to her. I practice tough love and I am getting all too good at it. I don't fix any situation for her, her brakes were only bvecause she picks up my duaghter. I can't have them fail with her in the car. I told her what she needs to know about it and thats all. I don't ask about her. I only ask Him, because He knows. I am doing well detaching, I am . You have no idea how bad I was, but I am good now. MY emotions are mostly because I do everything now, I am all things to those I love, especially me. I have no one to lean on in the physical sense as it drives them into the abyss. I lean on Him because I want to and need to. And He has responded with His Greatness and Love. I jhave posted the Detachment link to my favorites and will review them weekly or as needed to make sure I am doing it right.
It is great that you are detaching. I don't want to confuse you...but, detaching is about "emotionally" detaching not "physically" detaching. You are detached from the clerk that sells you a pair of shoes at the mall....they cannot hurt you emotionally. However, you can show them kindness. Where am I going with this? I don't think reaching out to help your W with her brakes (or anything else) is a sign you are NOT detached....in fact, just the opposite is true! Because you CAN show your wife love by helping her and not worry about getting hurt...this is a sign that you ARE detaching. Keep it up, Brother!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Sorry for the spacing in my posts. Yes, I thought about it and I see where I am still emotionally inflicted by this situation. I have re-read some of my posts. In all reality, your words about making pretend she is on a long trip is what I have been doing for some time now. I try to move forward best I can , every day. I have found renewed strength in my positon and situation, but it still hurts. I move through my life, much as it is, without thinking of her at all. It is difficult being the single parent, bill payer and family cheerleader, lol. It is very tiring, the hours are long and the pay is terrible.
Everyone aroun dme is very busy with the holidays and whatnot so I have no place to go or to talk to most nigths. I am usually home alone, doing something, but alone. I am busy, I do think and get my mind straight, like last night. I needed to just sit and slow down and think about this situation. I am doing as He asks, without question. I trust in what I am doing, but I am scared. I will continue with my detaching and GAL and all the rest. I know what I know and I know what I feel. I think when I was feeling my anger, detaching and not thinking of her at any level was much easier. Now that that battle is over, I am on a new front. I am worried about me now. I seem to be getting lethargic. I seem less motivated. Xmas blues I suppose. Pushing myself to go Xmas shopping tonite. that always gets me in the mood and makes me happy.
I am worried about me now. I seem to be getting lethargic. I seem less motivated.
As part of your GAL, do you have a regular (daily) exercise routine? I didn't when my sitch started but DO now. During my deepest darkest moments, I found solace in exercise....walking a short distance at first...then longer...then walk/run....now running mostly. I also found this was/is a great time for prayer and reflection.....
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
I didn't help with her brakes, physically. I did what was needed at the smallest level. I did not do any repairs, put in brake fluid. I told her what she needed to do. I think that shocked her. That I didn't want to do more. That I followed up with my call to her Friday night asking about her brakes and telling her to get it done. I could've dropped off her table last night when I picked up D17 last night. If D17 goes there tonight, I probably will if I am not still out Xmas shopping.
I do feel detached emotionally from her, that she is no longer in control. I had posted that feeling when I stopped in to check her brakes and wen into her work to tell her what was what. This was not the first time I have been around her and showed no emotional tie to her. I will continue to grow and be dark in this regard.
I try to get there twice a week. Its that I am busy most of the time and work crazyness at my job, you know the free overtime. Anyway, its just seems like I am more drained and tired. Less ambitious. Could alos be coming down with the flu, it is rampant here....
Oh, yeah, talking to God whjile working out is just what I do. I think it is a great time for reflection because my mind is so clear. I am going to start forcing myself out with the dog everynight after dinner. Unless its a blizzard.
I had thought that I was detached when I had posted to AMyC when I met with my w about her brakes. It was cut and dry and not real emotional. I thught I was good. Thats what made me realize she is no longer in control of my emotions as I had said to Amy.
Got an email from the W about me telling her to get her own life insurance, changing the car insurance and the rest. I had sent a second one more or less recinding the first one, she obviously didn't read it.
She was all about "we need to discuss this face to face" and I can't afford this and we need to refinance the house. I'm trying to find a better job, they are trying to bring me in full time...blah, blah, blah...
I wrote her a letter, had written and put it with her bills. Basically told her she is all set with her health insurance and I will keep the car insurance the same until things get better. told her that everyone is going thru a tough time financially not just her. told her I wouldn't mind talking to you, I hear I'm a pretty nice person. Yep, used those exact words. anyway, I continued on with some humor. told her, you don't text me anymore, LOL (her phone got shut off) and we never email, but that's ok it was all to inpersonal anyway. Told her if she wants to talk to me, no problem, but lets not talk about bills its too depressing, lets talk about anything else, LOL. Told her that the new health insurance now as an annual $2k deductible total for family, so no more co-payment, it will be doctor payments until the $2k is met, so stay healthy! I left a message at her friends house for her to call me as well. I'll set her mind at ease, apparently she just got the email. Thought the letter was in good taste and very, very unemotional. Once again, stated the course of action, but this time, AmyC, I thru in a little me. I actually thought it was nice. Oh, also told her in the letter I am not trying to be a nasty person, I'm really not, it's just a huge burden for me. she apologized for me having to chase her for money for the car insurance. Oh, did I mention she overdrew the account agian getting gas coming home from the OM house. Yep, got that notice in the mail. So much for him giving her gas money, I think that is a made up line of horseshit she has been telling everyone. Oh well, nice little penalty for seeing him.
Went Xmas shoppign with D17 tonight. We had fun, I did anyway. really got into it and had a blast. Amy and FH, you guys really got my week off to a fgreat start. I am in a really good mood, even more since writing the letter. Do you think I should give it to her or just let everything slide and waititil she tries to conatact me? I really don't have a preference....Write to you all tomorrow. TGone, where are you?
