Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Scarred,

Thank you very much for all that you wrote to me in response to my post.

I want to clarify that the Sunday of which I referred about D8 making it to Sunday school was actually MY Sunday with D8. I allowed D8 to go with XW and this was the result. I have told XW that it is important to me that our D8 strengthen her faith through attending Sunday school regularly, and that if XW is unwilling to get up and get our D8 to Sunday school, I will certainly come by and get D8 up and dressed to take her. It is THEN that XW tells me that her feelings about D8 attending Sunday school mirror mine and the XW really wants to get there herself. I get your point though, if D8 is not with me I have NO control over whether or not she attends Sunday school on XW's time.

I also believe that, what you DO tells me what is really important to you, NOT what you say. I simply need to WATCH what you do. THAT tells me everything I need to know. I didn't realize what a liar my XW could be, because while we were married, I never questioned her about the validity of much of what she said(I know, probably a dummy me move). Then, we split and the lies came spewing out non-stop, even about things for which lying served no purpose. I could have just been blind in love or the lying could all be new. Who knows? I don't. I know what I suspect.

Regarding Brit(13), I do believe it comes from both trying to hurt me and from her own misplaced efforts to bolster her own lacking sense of self-esteem. I believe that being around that little girl (Brit13) gives XW a triple whammy: (1) a young girl that XW can view herself as 'better than', (2) a kindred spirit who uses her female body to gain 'validation' from men to boost lagging self-esteem; and (3) someone who looks up to XW. My preference would be to NOT have that Brit(13) around my D8. At a minimum, XW and Brit(13) are not planting the seeds of being happy, healthy and whole. They are planting seeds though, and D8 is certainly impressionable.

I don't think Brit(13) is all bad, I just know she is 13 and sexually active. XW's judgment has proved to be suspect, at best, far too often. As I posted previously, my friends told me (1) that XW is like night and day; flip of a switch and a whole different person comes out without warning; all depends on what she needs in the moment; and (2)XW simply wants to get me to agree with her choices to further validate that what she is doing is right. THAT won't happen unless I truly do see what she's doing as being in the best interest of our children.

You may have hit the nail on the head with XW wanting validation of what she does by surrounding herself with people who do similar or worse 'stuff' so that she is not in danger of someone calling her on what she does. My best friend said that about addicts hanging out with addicts, and yes, XW is a recovering drug addict (well, not according to her, her addiction was strictly situational) who learned back then to surround herself with those who wouldn't judge (ahhh, typing this out helps me to realize where her inability to distinguish between right and wrong is rooted!)her. Perhaps that's why so many of her friends are all recovering addicts or addicts. This board helps me to become clearer about my sitch.

Regardless, having Brit(13) around is probably all about me. XW doesn't have good self-esteem, so she finds people who look up to her and uses them to her (XW's) end. Sadly, I don't have control over much of what XW does with D8 until XW gets some real help. I listen to XW tell me how her children are FIRST and I watch her NOT safeguard them from her own faulty judgment of right and wrong. In this instance, it is Brit(13), but there are many more instances. I know that XW uses faulty PC Christian logic of not wanting to judge anything or anyone as right or wrong because she has been influenced by popular culture's view of everything being relative; not right or wrong; not wanting to offend anyone. This goes right along with her addiction culture of not passing judgment on anyone or anything as right or wrong. I am not "hellfire and damnation" kind of Christian, but I certainly do believe in right and wrong, in Orthodoxy.

I want to help XW, but whenever I voice a concern she deflects whatever I say and goes on attack mode. Denial is a powerful thing, especially when you surround yourself with people who are weak-minded or weak-willed or you keep your 'friendships' on the cursory level. Then you never really have to look at you. I closing, right before XW started dating DH#4 (and right after she stopped dating the criminal DH#3) she told me that she had seen a counselor for a year to help her with her self-esteem and looking to men for validation. I asked her, "So you're healed?" She was not happy with my question. She knew that I knew that she was trying to feed me a line of BULL! She's may have moved some, but she still has much to do to solidify her self-esteem.

Oh well. I will love her and wait. Love my children and watch. Help when needed. Until the Lord tells me that I have not made His will my will in my reconciliation efforts.

Tom