Rob - There are definitely times when the sadness is at its worst - but you're so very right - that if we pay attention, there is much to be gained from that sadness...just wish it didn't have to be that way. I feel myself going up and down in terms of the holidays...sometimes I am just completely fine and at ease - and I remember going back to see my family just after her affair - and what it felt like to learn about her affair while we were with my family for the holidays...at the time, I did something I never thought I could do - I forgave her - felt like I had pushed her away and hurt her - and so I took my responsibility for part of her falling into an affair - and it was shortly after that, once we felt our love again, that we decided to have a baby...but learning about the affair - was brutally painful...and now I remember more of the pain, and less of the reconciliation - since the reconciliation is now tinged with elements of self-deception.
WIT - Thanks for coming by - I'm so glad you're doing better - what you're experiencing is very painful - but, please don't ever feel ashamed of who you are. If my wife would put the work in that you did, I would feel so very fortunate and blessed - but I just don't see her doing that...like you, she has some painful family of origin issues (very abusive father) and she shows many signs of having been sexually abused - but she just refuses to consider that possibility. She lives with a lot of anger - and she throws that anger my way whenever she can - and, since moving out, it seems like she has chosen to remove herself completely from me and our life together...let me be the demon, so she can move on without him...she's become so convinced of how she sees me that she now creates a history of our relationship in which she says I was physically abusive - it's confusing and heartbreaking - and I ended up having to encourage my W to move out (after she had threatened to do so for months) because she started talking about calling a battered woman's shelter and claiming that I had beaten her...(she said this to her mother - as part of her plan of getting out of the house).
My wife is a beautiful person in so many ways - and I know that I will continue to love her no matter what happens - I just know that because she won't examine herself and the affects of her FOO on her that we just don't have much of a chance.
Beth, A letter of release sounds like a better way to approach her...though I don't know if it will make her angry or not. She will most likely find a way to hold onto anything I write to her as further proof of my being an abusive husband - and I know I'm taking that risk in telling her how I feel, but there just doesn't seem to be much else I could do. She's gone dark in a such a profound way since moving out - and I just don't know where we are anymore...I (naively) thought that she would let go of some of her anger after she moved out - but that's not what's happened at all - she still does the same things of picking a fight with me - accusing me of not having changed - telling me that I'm an abuser and a threat to her - and I just stand there with a perplexed look on my face....wondering just where she's ripped and resewn the seams of her reality. Still, I'll rework the letter...owning more of what I did, and not saying anything about what she did....
Conversations with my S11 always reassure me that I'm doing okay. I don't think the monster my W sees in me could have the kind of relationship I have with my S11. My father was an ogre when I was a kid - an unpredictable, angry, verbally (and sometimes physically abusive) man. When my S11 was born I swore that I would never repeat my father's behavior as a father - and I haven't. I take pride in that - and I am always grateful that my son's mother and I have been able to raise such a remarkable child in two households.
Journaling...
When my W came by to pick up our baby last night it was still pouring outside - but rather than park under the carport and stay shielded from the rain - she once again pulls into the carport, backs out, and stop in the driveway facing the street - so this time I did not bring baby out to her - I just stood at the door with him and waited for her to come and get him - all the while thinking, why don't you just pull under the carport...
When she finally got out to get S2 from my arms (which she's not complaining about anymore), I thanked her for bringing me the suitcase the day before and for picking up two tickets to S2's holiday pageant. She told me she had made a photocopy of the flyer for the pageant - but had forgotten it as her work.
She was still cold and would not say hello to me when she pulled up - but she did seem surprised when I thanked her for the suitcase and the tickets...
I still can't believe she's going to be with her family from 12/21-28. That's a lot of time for her to be in their company - especially her father - who gets terrible during the holidays...and often very verbally abusive...I worry about her, but there's nothing I can do...
