When do the tears go away ?

[still hopeful]

whitneypinch,

So sorry to read your sitch. Much of your story reminds me of mine down to the differences in ages between you and S and the ages of your children, but of course there are differences. In my situation, I cheated on my wife and due to the other difficulties in our M, she responded by pushing through a divorce. I tried everything to reconcile, including DB, but to no avail. She is not open to reconciliation, and as of today, she still has not forgiven me.

I, like you, have have made wholesale changes and continue to make changes in WHO I am since we split almost 3 years ago. Although I do have my children with me about 45% of the time, I miss my children terribly whenever I am not with them. I have watched from afar the string of BFs since we split. My big issue with the BFs isn't so much that she dates, it's that she introduces these men passing through her life to our children and is not portraying herself as a good role model to our D8 and S3.

One other difference is that I see XW on a regular basis. XW will call me out of the blue (like at 11:25pm last TH), under the premise of missing the children, to tell me that she "misses her family" and asks me if she can stay the night in response to my question about what is going on with her. In case your or anyone else wonders, no this is not the first time this type of scenario has happened and whenever she has come over she sleeps in my bed with one or both of our children while I take the couch.

The downside of this, is that shortly after she 'uses' me for her purposes, she acts out by expecting me to approve of her not-so-well-thought-out decisions in making decisions for our children, and when I don't approve/agree, she lashes out childishly. How I have learned to deal with her pissy reactions to chalk up ALL of our interactions rationally, without emotion and without reading anything into any of our interactions. A positive interaction is just that. A positive interaction. A negative interaction is the same, just that. A negative interaction. Saves me from beating myself up through my own mind reading, which is always negative.

What I can also offer to you is to focus on your children's well-being. Help them to become healthy, happy and whole. I have the wonderful role in life of being the children's father, as do you. Continue to work on yourself. It sounds like you are making great progress and your children will most definitely benefit from the 'new' you, as will you. I have plenty of people in my life who are the negative naysayers about my efforts to reconcile with XW. I understand where the people who care about me are coming from by cautioning me away from XW after all that we have been through, but I see hope and possibility. I see my work to inch closer and closer together over time so that we will be husband and wife again. So that we will be a whole family again. So that my children will not live their whole lives in a broken home.

Additionally, I have taken to deepening my faith with Christ. I have participated more in my church and have gotten to know more people there. I don't know how mature a believer you are, but I do know that wherever you are spiritually, you can still grow in your faith and grow closer to God. All of what I've done up 'til now is just a start, but it helps to feel connected, grounded, and accepted, especially when I often times feel none of that when I am alone.

Lastly, for me that pain has become less pointed over time, but I still feel it. I try to keep the entry point of the spear of divorce numbed so it hurts less, but I still feel its entry and it still hurts. Prayer helps me through understanding that God has given me tools to assist in reconciling my marriage, but he leaves it to me to soldier on and do the work here on earth. Ultimately, I know that I must make God's will my will, and not the other way around. I ask the Lord to help me to understand His will if it is different than what I want, to help me to turn away from my efforts to reconcile with XW if they are, in fact, against His will.

I wish you well, my friend. Continue to post regularly, if for nothing more than to 'talk' and to clear your mind. I will pray for your and yours. Be strong. Re-read your DB and DR, if you have copies. I understand that you don't see your soon-to-be XW often, so focus on making the time you do have to interact to be positive, fun and inviting. Lean on friends and family who support you and are positive towards you. You will need that. You are not on this long journey. Pray, focus on your children, and do positive activities for yourself. Good luck moving forward.

Tom