I was unfaithful

[Sanderika]

Hi M,

A couple of things you did that were positives....

A visit to H in the hospital - very good.

Bringing H some food just after surgery - very good.

Realize the behavior that you got from H after doing these things. He WAS appreciative to you. I know he didn't thank you or use words that showed this. Trust me he was appreciative. He saw the M that is kind and caring about him. This is something he wants. You said he watched you while they took vitals and appeared to watch you in the room. If your H had behaved any other way it would have shown his weaknesses. He isn't ready for this right now. Your H wants you to believe that he is getting along just fine without you. Your H wants to appear stong and well collected in front of you. He has created a front or wall between you and any less behavior right now will make him feel less in control.

This is where you need to maintain a positive behavior in front of him. You are both trying like crazy to act "as if" in front of each other.

IMO, you need to continue to treat him well. Be kind to H. He will only see you are genuine if you are consistent. You need to be honest and real with the changes. You need to practice them until they become a habit. You need to make sure the changes will last. Give your H a person he enjoys being around. With time, and lots of it, using repeated behavior around H he will trust you again.

I would not have asked H about a roof rack for the car to transport a kayak. You also need to show your H you are independant without him. Take on the task of a roof rack all by yourself. If you need/want one go get one. Show H the independant lady. Make H see that you are capable. It might make him proud of you...that would be a good thing. Part of acting "as if" is doing for yourself.

I took on the monumental task of hiring a contractor to install new windows & doors and to replace my siding and reflash chimneys on my house this summer and fall. They finished yesterday. I did not ask my H once his opinion about the contractor, products chosen, etc...I acted like this was my house. I did great. My house is beautiful. My H comes over and every time he makes a positive comment about something. This is a good thing.

This would not have happened if I had chosen to do this 30-40 months ago. At that time I would have run into total negative opposition from him. This is another thing done where timing was everything.

Think about your H behavior when he is enjoying your company or approving of your choices or actions. Then, think about your behavior when this enjoyment by H was occuring. Keep that atmosphere alive when H is around. Use that when around friends and family of H, anyone who has contact with H. It will get back to him just how wonderful you are and appear. H will slowly start to wonder what he is missing out on. Just remember it will take a lot of time. Your efforts must be consistent.

Keep in mind too that you cannot force contact or kindness from H. Give H the control for now when to make contact and how to behave given a certain situation. I hate to tell you to give him the control, but IMO this is a positive right now. H is the one who feels wronged. To possibly win back his affections he just might need to feel that he is in control of his life. Your H may be possibly in a MLC sitch right now. I see some very similar behavior in him that I have already seen in my H. If this is the case, H needs to go through this alone, making his own choices in regards to his contacts and emotions. All you can do is give him time, space and patience if you really believe in your H and M.

Sanderika