God grant me the patience and the strength...9

[theotherhalf]

Odd that you yourself point out that your relationship to your husband right now is "like a drug." Odd that you recognize this fact, but feel so powerless to do anything about what seems to be a clear case of co-dependency.

I point this out because this morning I "seen" it. I "felt" it. As soon as he drove away, I called, I questioned, I cried, etc... Then I hung up the phone. I sat by myself. I cried and I took a hard look in the mirror. I didn't like what I saw. And it hurts like hell.

I called him back and told him that I am sorry. That I wouldn't want to be with the person I have become either. That I know that I have to accept his decision. That I hope he someday finds what he is looking for. That I finally see that that doesn't include me. Today is N14's birthday, he is planning on stopping in this afternoon to see her. I told him that I would be gone if he wanted. He said no, it didn't matter.

So for today, for this hour I am accepting what is and calling it quits. Releaving all pressure from my H. Letting him go. I am heartbroken, I am defeated, and I am ashamed. Your right, I've wasted that last 2 years of my life and it's time I change ME. It's time I get over it and on with it. It's time I stop asking why and feeling sorry for myself. What lies ahead is not the way I wanted my life to go, but we don't always get what we want.