Patience has become my middle name with dealing with my W. Also regarding her going to MC I tell myself over and over and over again as it has been drilled into my head on these boards that I can only control my actions and not that of anybody else. If she does not want to go to MC then I have two choices I can either pout and get upset about it. Or I can do what Clint Eastwood says in Heartbreak Ridge and that is “to adapt, to improvise and to overcome.”
This is the way it is and I need to work within these boundaries that she has set up and do what I can. Is it fair, from my POV no, but I cannot change it at the moment. It has been better don’t get me wrong. Little touches from her, sitting on the bed the other night and talking after she came out of the bathroom and I was in bed before she went downstairs to watch tv. Her being more open in telling me if she does not like something I said or did without either of us getting defensive. Just being more relaxed and comfortable around each other.
All this is great, its nice and it’s a hell of an improvement. I feel we are so much closer and connecting more. I don’t know what it was like living in fear of me all those years so I cannot judge her reluctance to speeding things up. I can’t read her mind and I may be a little cold in how I portray her at times but she is dealing with a lot of issues also. I think she is trying in her own way and is slowly inching towards me but she is still not fully convinced that it will work and is still holding back. What will it take for her to fully trust me again and open up, I don’t know. All I know is what I have been doing seems to be working and feels right. Frustrating at time, yes, but if I get where I want to go with my M/R then it will be well worth it.
I don’t think that much about it. I focus on me and what I need to get done and what I need to do for my kids. I concentrate on my officiating and getting this new company that we started on solid ground. I allow her to come to me, to initiate the contact and to move the R along at her pace. She controls it at the moment but as I said I have thought of my approach to moving it along and how I want to say things to her and how I will react to what she might say in return. I am good for now and once swim season is over I will be able to sit back and relax for a moment and re-evaluate my sitch at that time. Communication counseling for us is a must in my book and eventually will need to be addressed and that is one of my key points that will be discussed. To me we need that more than we need MC at this point.
I look forward to the holidays. Spending time with my family and we are going to see Les Mis in DC the 27th of this month and that should be really fun. Then on Sunday the 28th its Christmas with my mom and my brothers and sister whom I have not seen in months so that should be great.
