God grant me the patience and the strength...9

[Bworl]

Like yesterday. I talked to him in the am then let him alone the rest of the day/evening. N14 had a BB game. I normally would have called him. I didn't. He didn't come. This morning I wake up. Watching to see if he'll come. I want to call him. I don't. Then he pulls in the drive. Went to the shed, then left. I imediately dial the phone. It's like a drug. Wave it in front of me and I can not stop.

Green is good.

Underlined bold is bad.

But you KNOW this.

Odd that you yourself point out that your relationship to your husband right now is "like a drug." Odd that you recognize this fact, but feel so powerless to do anything about what seems to be a clear case of co-dependency.

Now don't get me wrong. I think there is a bit of co-dependency in any long term relationship. We love these people and we love having them in our lives. It's part of the reason it hurts so bad when they say they want to leave. But, to me, co-dependency becomes a clinical matter when we KNOW we need to let someone go for OUR well being, and choose not to anyway.

I understand you are not well off. Many times I felt that my financial limitations were a hindrance to being able to "get a life" the way some of my friends on this board did. But eventually I realized that this was just an excuse. And I was using it to cover up the fact that I WANTED to think about my spouse all the time. I WANTED to know what she was doing. I almost NEEDED to do this, and was looking for any semi-reasonable excuse to keep doing it.

You are the child who has stuck their hand in the flames on the stove, only to return time and time again to test whether or not they were still hot.

Break the pattern.

Only you can do it. And I do believe it is a matter of the will and the head. THINK. Be rational about the current state of affairs and how it affects both you and your husband. You do NOT have to give up on him or turn your back on him. You just need to LET HIM GO and STOP allowing his actions/words to drag you down.

Tell yourself whatever you need to tell yourself to convince yourself that this is a fruitless endeavor for you. You will only get hurt, over and over again, by continuing to expect love and cherishing from him. At least right now.


Blessings,

Bill