God grant me the patience and the strength...9

[Bworl]

Like yesterday. I talked to him in the am then let him alone the rest of the day/evening. N14 had a BB game. I normally would have called him. I didn't. He didn't come. This morning I wake up. Watching to see if he'll come. I want to call him. I don't. Then he pulls in the drive. Went to the shed, then left. I imediately dial the phone. It's like a drug. Wave it in front of me and I can not stop.

Green is good.

Underlined bold is bad.

But you KNOW this.

Odd that you yourself point out that your relationship to your husband right now is "like a drug." Odd that you recognize this fact, but feel so powerless to do anything about what seems to be a clear case of co-dependency.

Now don't get me wrong. I think there is a bit of co-dependency in any long term relationship. We love these people and we love having them in our lives. It's part of the reason it hurts so bad when they say they want to leave. But, to me, co-dependency becomes a clinical matter when we KNOW we need to let someone go for OUR well being, and choose not to anyway.

I understand you are not well off. Many times I felt that my financial limitations were a hindrance to being able to "get a life" the way some of my friends on this board did. But eventually I realized that this was just an excuse. And I was using it to cover up the fact that I WANTED to think about my spouse all the time. I WANTED to know what she was doing. I almost NEEDED to do this, and was looking for any semi-reasonable excuse to keep doing it.

You are the child who has stuck their hand in the flames on the stove, only to return time and time again to test whether or not they were still hot.

Break the pattern.

Only you can do it. And I do believe it is a matter of the will and the head. THINK. Be rational about the current state of affairs and how it affects both you and your husband. You do NOT have to give up on him or turn your back on him. You just need to LET HIM GO and STOP allowing his actions/words to drag you down.

Tell yourself whatever you need to tell yourself to convince yourself that this is a fruitless endeavor for you. You will only get hurt, over and over again, by continuing to expect love and cherishing from him. At least right now.


Blessings,

Bill

[MidwesternGirl]

TOH:

That is a good post from Bill. Keep it as a reminder on what you must do.

[theotherhalf]

Odd that you yourself point out that your relationship to your husband right now is "like a drug." Odd that you recognize this fact, but feel so powerless to do anything about what seems to be a clear case of co-dependency.

I point this out because this morning I "seen" it. I "felt" it. As soon as he drove away, I called, I questioned, I cried, etc... Then I hung up the phone. I sat by myself. I cried and I took a hard look in the mirror. I didn't like what I saw. And it hurts like hell.

I called him back and told him that I am sorry. That I wouldn't want to be with the person I have become either. That I know that I have to accept his decision. That I hope he someday finds what he is looking for. That I finally see that that doesn't include me. Today is N14's birthday, he is planning on stopping in this afternoon to see her. I told him that I would be gone if he wanted. He said no, it didn't matter.

So for today, for this hour I am accepting what is and calling it quits. Releaving all pressure from my H. Letting him go. I am heartbroken, I am defeated, and I am ashamed. Your right, I've wasted that last 2 years of my life and it's time I change ME. It's time I get over it and on with it. It's time I stop asking why and feeling sorry for myself. What lies ahead is not the way I wanted my life to go, but we don't always get what we want.

[MidwesternGirl]

Nobody said you were wasting your time.

Now do you see what you have done--you called him again and again and what did he say to you? Let him be. You already know this.

Okay, so you have looked in the mirror and did not like who you saw. Do something, don't cry, time to wipe the tears away and make some changes, not for him but for you.

[theotherhalf]

Nobody said you were wasting your time

I said I am wasting my time MWG. That is how I feel, like I have wasted the last 2 years of my life loving a man that can't even love himself let alone anyone else. A man that doesn't respect me. A man that doesn't appreciate me or my love for him.

It is past time. The tears will stay I am afraid. I love him too much for them not to. BUT life does go on. Life changes whether we like it or not. Time to accept.

So like I said today is N14's B-day. H says he will stop out. It would be good for them both if he was here. I don't want what is going on between him and I to cause these girls anymore pain. My thoughts...
Send him a text saying "supper is at 5:30 or 6 cake and ice cream after. With the weather your welcome to stay till work. I have things to do so will not bother you." (it's snowing and he has to go to work at 9:30 and we live half way to his work)

Should I? or not?

[theotherhalf]

??^^??

[WCW]

Back to DB101 for YOU toh.

Stop trying to come up with reasons to contact him. Before you call him count to 1 million.

He said he was stopping out for N14. Let him come when he does, that's it.

You and your H both fell off the wagon. Pick yourself up woman. Stop being pathetic and looking for his sympathy now.

You hurt so much because you feel you had a glimpse of real H during ML. Remember he maybe felt that too and it scared him. It scared him so much he ran back to ow. He needs double the distance to sort himself out. Leave him alone.

No work today?

[theotherhalf]

Not an exuse. Trying to make the best of things for N. Honestly!

Your right and I fell really hard. I think I hit my head this time and hoping I will get some sense.

No I think I have the flu. Felt bad last night and not good this morning and then with all the crap I needed some ME time.

I spent the day wrapping presents. Doing N's cake. Cleaning. Etc. I enjoyed my day, sick, sad, or not.

[theotherhalf]

well couldn't have sent the text even if I wanted to. He beat me to the punch. He came to hay cows early. Stopped in a minute and said hi to N14 and told her happy b-day. D17 stayed in her room and he didn't ask for her. He went and hayed cows. Came back. Stepped in and asked where N14 was. Told her to come out. Gave her a hug, said happy b-day again and left. Didn't even ask to watch her open her presents.

This is not the man that I M. I don't really have a clue who he is. Nor do I like him.

Shaking my head in sadness...

[theotherhalf]

I don't get it. He spends days here. Then weeks. But he can't stick around one evening for N14?!?!? I feel so sorry for her more than anything. Last year he forgot. This year he remembered but might as well have forgotten.