God grant me the patience and the strength...9

[MidwesternGirl]

"I told him I am done. Get your damb divorce. Do not call me. Do not come here anymore. There is no more "friendship". It is over. Get it done."

You actually said these things without yelling? Wow--okay, I will be the first to admit that if I were to say those words to my H, I would not be talking, I would be yelling.

Isn't there an anger class you have to attend as part of your probation? I know those are mandatory out here where I live.

[glamgirl]

Ah TOH you will never get there at the rate you are going, but I guess you already know that. Go back at read BWorl's post that is perfect for you.

If what is not working for you, don't keep doing the same things and quit thinking that your h is on his way home soon. It could be years before he is finally out of the tunnel, but one thing is for sure the more you keep doing what you are doing the longer it's going to take for your h to come out.

Be safe and put your focus where it needs to be!

[theotherhalf]

I am so frustrated. Honestly. I really don't know what to do anymore.

Him spending all that time here for mostly a month. It was hard. Frustrating. But I really enjoy having him here. I admit. When he leaves I don't handle the rejection well at all. It's like when he goes back to his place he slams the door on me again and we are back to the same place as a year ago. So I ask questions, apply pressure, etc... Then he came back, again. This time things were even better. Then he left again, and the avoiding was worse, the coldness worse. Then after all this time (I believe a couple of months or little less) he goes to her, again. AHHHH!?!!?

I don't do well at leaving him alone. I don't know how to act when he is here. Him being with another woman while still M to me, seperated or not is morally wrong to me. Period. It hurts and angers me to my core.

I know I need to set boundaries, but which ones? I want to be that lighthouse, but how do I do that and not allow him to use me and disrespect me. I do not want to D this man. I don't want to push him to file. But SOMETHING has to change.

I think I need a map. Pictures. and a play by play. I feel so stupid and pathetic. But I really am trying to do my best here. Some things I JUST KNOW won't work for H or us. Others I just don't know how or what to do.

I'm sorry

[theotherhalf]

"I told him I am done. Get your damb divorce. Do not call me. Do not come here anymore. There is no more "friendship". It is over. Get it done."

You actually said these things without yelling?

Yes I did say these things mwg without yelling. Some of it was said with tears. If I raise my voice to H he is imediately on the defense, especially drinking and in his state of mind and where he was headed. I wanted him to hear me. Yelling wouldn't have worked.

No MWG I don't have to attend any classes. I am angry for sure. But not in a damaging way or to the extent that it is overboard. More like "damb you, why do you keep doing this". No rage.

[theotherhalf]

Who in their right mind would continue to cling so tightly to a person who has made it a regular course of business to do things that broke their heart?

I ask myself this daily.

You had no business calling the man. None.

He is still my H.

The same state that he has been in for the past year or so. NOTHING has changed in him.

Your wrong. BUT still alot of the same.

Unfortunately you chose to read those signs as indicative of a man who might soon be choosing to come home. At the least you read them as signs of a man who was beginning to make good choices. And YOU, you began to apply expectations to him again.

Absolutely, because for the first time my H told me he was thinking things over. and that he was thinking about coming home.

But YOUR job was to be his lighthouse. Your job was to be immune to his lostness, to have understood he was lost, accepted that he was lost, and realize that the only thing that you could do for him was to be the ONE thing that he could always count on. You were to be that light that he could always find, should he ever regain his heart and mind and choose to begin making his way home.

How do I continue to be this for him but at the same time not allow him to disrespect me and use me Bill?

[job]

TOH,
The first thing you must do is understand that what you've been doing for the last year has not worked. If anything, it's driven him further away and you are very frustrated about the entire situation. It's never going to change unless YOU change the way you are handling it.

1. DO NOT PHONE HIM! DO NOT CONTACT HIM!

2. If he makes contact, be calm and collected, speak to him in an even tone, just as if you were speaking to a receptionist at the school or doctor's office.

3. Do not try to get him to open up to you....he's not going to do it because he's not ready and your reactions set him back.

4. Start living your life as if he's never coming back. You have to find a way to accept the fact that he's gone and right now, he doesn't give a fig what you do, how you feel or anything else. It's all about him.

5. Live your life to the fullest without him. Spend the time focusing on your children, family and friends.

6. Find something to keep your focused and your hands busy.

7. No expectations...zero, in fact. Do not expect anything from him. He has nothing to give right now.

8. Focus on you and your children.

9. Have faith and tons of patience.

10. Keep quiet, listen and validate if he should speak to you.

This is a start. If something isn't working, try something different.

[theotherhalf]

Okay Snodderly. I am listening. I am honestly trying to be open minded here...

You say if anything it has driven him farther away. I honestly think that that isn't so. A year ago my H didn't spend one night here let alone days or weeks like recently. He was so very angry towards me most of the time. Now it is only when he has done something he feels guilty about or when I apply to much pressure. Back then H was drinking excessivly ALL of the time. Now it is less and less, mostly weekends or again when he is feeling bad. What he pulled the other night was one night. Not many consequetive nights like before. I believe he comes here now because he WANTS to not because of obligation or guilt. I don't ask or suggest. He just shows up. He laughs with me. He talks to me (only about everyday stuff). None of that was happening a year ago. He has asked me to do things with him. At times recently he has talked about the future. Few and far between but he has. I trust him now, I don't think now I have to leave the door locked like I did before. I am not worried about him getting in here when I'm gone. And last Tuesday night my H made love to me (at least it felt like it). HE initiated, HE caressed me, HE kissed me. That my dear has not happened in a very very long time.

So I don't know that I can say it's "working" because he is still gone, not talking, and once again has went to OW. But I don't feel like he is farther away. I feel like he is closer but scared as hell or mad that he is, or being stubborn as an ox, or something. But it's not farther away.

Can you see where I am confused?

[MidwesternGirl]

Maybe you set him back a few steps when you begin to question him or when you say to him, "damn you" and that could set him off. You seem to say that a lot.

Your words/actions, if you want your marriage and husband back must be consistent. You have to learn to not question, let him alone. Nothing wrong with small talk as long as it is not about you and he, he and ow.....he will feel less pressure if you do not go there.

Just be yourself around him but always be kind and zero expectations.

[theotherhalf]

mwg, when my H has been staying here. I really honestly have not said ANYTHING. I don't know why he goes. Nothing I can pin point here that would make him go. Unless it's her. Or something in his own mind. Its been after he goes that I lose my composure. That I question and pressure. Knowing that I shouldn't and yet it happens. No exuses except that I am weak.

Like yesterday. I talked to him in the am then let him alone the rest of the day/evening. N14 had a BB game. I normally would have called him. I didn't. He didn't come. This morning I wake up. Watching to see if he'll come. I want to call him. I don't. Then he pulls in the drive. Went to the shed, then left. I imediately dial the phone. It's like a drug. Wave it in front of me and I can not stop.

I have got to figure out a way to let this man go!

[MidwesternGirl]

I think you just answered your own question.

You cling to him so much that you appear obsessed with him.

You have got to let go, get rid of the urge to call him or whatever and you have to have no expectations.

You cannot get into his head and his every thought as none of us can but my only advice is to back off and live your life.