What I was referring to that, I need to gather my thoguths and, as AmyC suggested, look at all He has done. I know I keep busy for the sake of not letting my mind settle. That, unfortunately allows my emotions to build up to a nasty crescendo and also doesn't let my mind resolve this situation. Last night was good. I did get a lot out of my head. I was journaling and then stopped, I will start again.
Oh yeah, I am definitely not too tired to pursue my family in this....I find myself exhausted sometimes, I mean thoroughly exhausted. I have looked at many things, last night I was trying to fal asleep, but realized I haven't seen her, really talked to her and feel bad that she is not seeing what I now see and what everyone else sees. Then I think about her brakes, I think about things she has asked me about or contacted me for. they have been few and far between, but nonetheless important. She has reached out, I think, on a few occassions and I have slapped the hand down. I need to think about each situation and give it the right level of compassion, not just the anger. Things she has seen of me over the last 3 weeks:
1. That my wedding ring is on the other hand. It is not off, but it is not showing her committement.
2. Not drinking, still. Thanksgiving gave her a showing of having fun with my family, basking in their presence. And she also saw that I did not need her approval, salutations or her acknowledgement to enjoy myself.
3. She has seen my committment to my D17 thru the Sunday night issue of my D17 taking off w/o any approval of the situation. And once I said I did not approve even though she thought I had, I took control and went and got her. When she called in her alcohol state on his cell phone, I told her it was taken care of and done.
4. Problems with her brakes. I checked out her car during my lunch, went in and explained her situation to her face to face and told her what to do to resolve it. Again, no fluff, stuck to the situation at hand in a very controlled way. Not that I am being controlling, but I don't think there is much decisive things going on in her life.
5. Friday nights phone call. She went off, let her go for a few and then got out of the conversation. Called her back to calm her and ask about her brakes and things she had me look after. She had done nothing. But that I had asked pout it back in her head, she saw that I cared.
She doesn't hear much about me, I don't think unless my younger D is telling her. I don't hear about her at all, and I don't ask.
I am over my anger, I believe. I will hold my ground still though. I nee to hammer some things ouit this week, tough myself and get them done. Xmas shopping needs to be done by Saturday afternoon. Xmas lights, yeah I'd like to do them, not feeling real festive, but I need to do it. Don't know why, but I am compelled. When she picks up D17, she needs to see festive!
Not much in my dreams last night that I remember. I spoke to Him and about Him to myself. That if she does not me, or contact me or anything else, how will she see Him in me. Thru me. My D17 told me she didn't believe in God. She doesn't see Him doing anything for her. She says she has no reason to . She has Faith and I explained to her who does she think has given her Faith. I told her I'd like it if she went to church with me, one time, like before. She'll think about it. I do know how she feels. But I know she does believe, she is just hurt.
I asked God for her to somehow reach out for me. To somehow remember. HE tells me she is going thru a huge turmoil in her life, that she has lost her way and will be back, that I need to have the Faith to believe that. Logic weighs against me, but it is my Faith and hope and Him that I am still upright and continuing on. He has told me that my joy will come from my Hope, that in the end, the Faith in everything I believe in will pay off. I told God it was sad of me to hope that she really is just dillusional and that this is not a permanent way she will be. He gave me signs and showed me things from all of this that make me know that she is in some transitional state. That she no longer knows where her happiness and where her heart belong. and He tells me that I too had lost my way and only thru this did I find my way back. It hurts to see this and to believe this is really happening to my life. I shake my head in disbelief virtually every morning. But my anger is now gone. I am more at peace with Him by my side. I am not alone.
