I woke up at 3:00 AM again - and at 6:30. At 3:00, it was another nightmare, another dream of this monster that inhabits my once-partner's body. And now, I woke up to cry. To cry and cry and cry and beg God to help me understand this, to help me to know what to do and what to feel.
And really, just to cry from the ache of it all. I keep asking myself why he would do this. I can't think about the person I knew and make sense of all of this.
How can he hurt me this badly? How can he stand it? how can he live with it?
Did I ever really know him at all?
Is every memory a lie? Was my every interpretation of him - who he was, what he was thinking, what he was doing - wrong?
It's like half of my life is being erased. The part of me that is him - that has grown into him over 11 years - is being wiped out.
I don't even know how to be myself right now because half of myself is him.
I don't know how I'm going to handle meeting with him today. Perhaps I should cancel. Perhaps I should get dressed, go to work, and avoid this altogether.
I need to drop the rope, and I need God's help to drop it because I don't think I can manage it on my own. Not now.
If I'm out with friends, I'm ok. If I'm busy, it's not so bad. But I'm wearing my friends down and I'm unable to distract myself sufficiently when I'm alone.
I sat beside the ocean on Sunday and was literally awed by the beauty of it. There was such light on the water despite the grayness of the day. There was such beauty that I still have no words for it. That light was God. I knew it then, and I know it now.
I am like a grain of sand on that ocean bottom, drifting in the dark currents, yearning upwards towards God but unable to reach those dazzling heights.
And on the murky bottom, I feel so alone.
The man I trusted with everything has abandoned me - has betrayed me. He is voluntarily cutting out my heart. He is making choices that ultimately force me to lose so much - not just his love, our marriage, our history - but this house I love that I do not know if I can afford. My car that I love that may cost too much. My sense of comfort and stability. My foundations, my dreams.
Everything is drifting away in the current, and I am but a grain of sand without a voice in my fate.
