Another One Bites the Dust (3)

[No Longer BH]

Ok, I am back to post an update. Funny how when you go NC there just isnt as much to complain about. He is still mad, he still thinks I am evil because I am making things hard for him for visitation.....hello, welcome to the big D.

Well, tomorrow I go to mediation......as OEO has said, "If we dont get this thing done in this session, then I am going to schedule an appointment every F'ing week until it is done!" Guess he is of the motivated verity. Honestly, I am not that torn up about it this time. My NC has let me step back and truly SEE the person he is now. He is NOT someone I want. He is broken. He is selfish. He is spiraling. The best thing for me has been the distance that I have put between us.

I requested that we have seperate rooms at mediation and that NC remains during negotiations. If I had to sit in the same room with him I think I would be torn up, but since I know I still do not have to look at him, I am ok. This is what I need right now. I am ready to let the man he has become go, even though I still mourn over the person he once was. Here is the thing though, I KNOW, and I do mean KNOW that I got the best of him. He has been spiralling down furhter and further for the last few years. Even maggot is not getting the man I once had. Afetr all, he is still prowling for others while living with maggot....how pathetic. He is going to live a very sad life if he continues on this path. I, on the other hand, have been forced to wake up and find myself. As scary as it has been, I now KNOW who I am. I do get lonely sometimes, but know that it is only a sign that I still having growing to do. I am not looking for anyone and would not desire to have a R when I still have growth in my life. When this pain/anger has passed then, and only then, will I even consider dating again.

Thank you all for being understand and supportive, even when I fell. I love you all!!!! Wish me luck and I will post an update after it is all over.