The L I talked to said even though H moved out on 10/1, he is NOT seperated. We are living apart but M. This is what these Hs do not get. If I get pictures through PI it is admissable in court since there is no formal agreement, especially since I have phone records from this summer showing he was already in A and credit card bills taking her out. H left a paper trail.
Silver Fox good to hear from you. How is the D going? How long does it take where you live? Are you trying to delay it? I anticipate that H is going to ask me for a D after the holidays because in his mind it makes him a good guy. I dread it. I know we like to take the high road but I definitely would have exposed H, because now it probably is too late. So they can portray their A as a romance instead of what it is -- sleazy A. You can send a Christmas card to their house and sign it "your wife", Put a wrinkle in their holiday.
My H is spending Christmas/New Year with OW. How do they introduce him? Boyfriend? He is first her boss (big no-no) and he is a married man. Does her family even care? pretty sad. I can only hope it is true what others have said on this board that the holidays will be bad for WAS also.
Mof3, in their fogged up world, of course it is acceptable to date. No consequences and what they think they deserve to be happy.
We have to stay on top of our own game and try to keep our confidence up. I know when I do that -- my H notices.
take care.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Yes I'm trying to delay the D. I never wanted it, still don't believe he really wants it. He's in a very addicted romantic affair and I'm biding my time hoping he will come to his senses.
I was a bit of a doormat for the first year but finally put a stop to that with my counterclaim to his filing. And hell will freeze over before I contact him again.
A Christmas card to the OW's parents house? Hmmmm
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Hi SF, Glad you counterclaimed. When was the last time you saw your H or spoke to him? It is sad all these years and poof they are gone. My H is so much like a stranger these days. But from what they say in the DB, DR books and on this board, this is normal behavior when they are in the A.
undates... Well my D28 calls me yesterday and said she went to "my space" and found OW's daughters website and sent her an e-mail. She has been very destroyed by her Dad's actions and after seeing her Dad at Thanksgiving, she feels he is going to get sick and have a heartache or something because of this A and all the stress it has caused. She wrote the daughter that her mother was in A with her father and that it has been going on since summer. She said that her and her sister would never accept OW and pretty much that she was a homewrecker. OW daughter had just gotten married in October so my D28 says how would you feel if your husband was cheating on you? It is not a good feeling.
So I don't know when this will "hit the fan" but will have to deal with it. I have exposed this A to my family and SIL but this will finally expose it to OW's side. I am sure she will NOT be happy. oh well
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
It has been a hard day today... we had a joint check/savings acct that I have been transferring money over (as agreed by H and myself) bimonthly to cover our finances since H moved out. I go into the acct today and see that H's check is "not automatically deposited". Odd? Then it hits me that H must have stopped the automatic deposit. I took a walk first because I was fuming and then went to H's desk. I ask H did you change accts? So H looks nervous and says yes I moved it to another bank so it will be easier for me to get. I will get the money for you and give it to you. This will not work because I have no way to deposit into our out of state acct so I can pay our online mortgage, taxes etc. I said to H why would you NOT talk to me about this before changing it. H said well I was paying ATM charges everytime I took cash out. (Like it mattered for the last 5 years!) I was not a good Dber. I said when you left you told me that we would communicate, co-parent, help each other out, maintain our house etc. You did some work at our house the first week you moved out and never did a thing again -garbage disposal broke, lights out that I can't reach, tiles crackings and a big nothing on your part. Now you just switch accts. without a plan on how to get the joint money in our accts. to pay off our joint bills. H said I will have to figure out how to transfer to our out of state bank. I thought it would not be a problem. I said well that is what communication is about. Then I backslide about OW. I said she is a really bad influence and I want her out of our finances because she is a gold digger. Of course H got mad. H says I wanted out of the M for a long time and not because of the OW. I said you would have worked on the M but did not because of the OW. Why did I think that a fog babble addict would respond to this logic. I mentioned that I signed up for Christmas lunch and the OW signed up also (hates to miss a party), I told H that OW better not go to the party because I will say something to her, she has you for Christmas the least she could do is let me have some fun for the Christmas she wrecked for me. H says that you two will have to fight it out (what power did I give him - I am mad at myself). Then I got my control back (too little too late) and we talked about 20 minutes more about D15 and if he gets fired from his job. H is having an A with his direct report and it is against company policy and rumors are going around. H says I will just have to deal with it (does he get it that it will have such a negative impact on his family and finances for us???) This is a man that dedicated 16 years to the company and throw it away for this gold digger who has been with the company for a year. How far in the fog can he go????
I read other postings and other sites where the WAS does come back but today I feel like dropping the rope. I do not know this man at all. H will hardly look at me. How did we get here? I know later I will feel different but today is a bust.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Do you have an attorney? You need protection quick. When the WAS start doing funny things with the money it's time to get serious.
You say you feel like dropping the rope. In my humble opinion, I think it's high time. Don't worry about what you said today. All DBing aside, he needed to see your reaction.
Take a strong stand now. Get a L, work on your finances, and go completely dark on your H.
He needs to start feeling some consequences to his horrific choices!
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
When you have a chance, read Wifey's and Tawnya's thread - they're in the process of showing their H the door.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Hi Silver, I agree about once they start to move things around they want control and start to move on. I have another appt with L for interview. I am getting scared about all of this. I have taken some actions on my own putting money aside and put some "gift" money for my 2 Ds in a CD. Do not think H will do anything till after the new year which gave me some addt'l time. This is turning into a nightmare. But I will not be blindsided. Will look for Wifey and Tawyna's thread. Appreciate your input
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Well you have had an interesting day haven't you. LOL How are you holding up? So he's going there with the money isn't he.
I really wish that you could do a super short Plan A and then go to a dark Plan B.
I don't think you can stay in this holding pattern and have any remaining love left for your H. Your love bank may become so drained that you may not want the marriage should he turn around. If you did a Plan A and a really really good one, then when you go dark he can do nothing but look back and see how great it could be to come home. I think he may respond well to a Plan B. Have you thought about registering at the other forum too? I am both here and at the SAA forum.
I love GAL and 180 here and then for strategies for hopeful recovery I go to the forum for SAA. Maybe post your story on the forum there under the infidelity section, but do it on the General Questions area as it gets the most attention. Make sure your Topic sounds pretty desperate the veterans grab it quicker.
He may not want a divorce, he may just want to control the money or maybe OW is pushing. Even if he does you can counter it and make it hard and painful and maybe the OW will get tired of it and move on.
Try to be calm so you can get that proof, that would be a nice wake up call. I heard somewhere in fault states you can sue the OW for damages, is that true? Maybe you can use that thread AFTER you get the pictures.
Time for the Dialog!!!
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Hey t2l, cant sleep. H also talked about not wanting to go to work since he will probably get fired. I said I don't understand that you have 16 years of a good career here and why will OW not leave the company. Why should both of you get fired? H said who said she was not looking for another position? I said she does not have the "luxury" to look for another job. Just leave and then look around. It would take the strain of looking at the biiissshhh at work anymore. I know H was thinking about it. I did check about suing OW. It is called "alienation of affection" (Interesting they call it alien!) but it is no longer a law in Texas. Another state that backed down from what is an agressive OW. But I can name her in D (I will). More from PI -- OW got 1/2 of business and assets from xH 3 years ago and $1400/mth spousal support. Guess when it ended -- this year! she needs a new sugar daddy. -- guess who?
And on an odd note -- went to see IC today. He said he got a call from the Army base to come in for consolation/recovery therapy for their employees because an employee killed himself on Friday. The IC said for a minute I was worried it was your H!! Said it passed his mind because of the way I described his mental condition this past month. How sad is that.
How are you holding up. I dread the new year but can't wait till after Christmas. We will make this. Want to come to Tx after new year??
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
T2L, will go to the other site and work out a Plan A. At this point I have nothing to lose. Your right the love bank will be in recession soon.
journaling,
Goals 1. try to keep positive thoughts just for today 2. Spend 1/2 hour talking with D15 and stay connected 3. Thank H for stopping to see D15 today at home and bring her lunch. 4. Go to OW's desk and beat the h3ll out of her (just a joke trying to see if anyone will notice this one!) 5. Try to put a Plan A together and keep it going
Today is a cold one in Tx. Winter coats are out and actually needed. H surprised me today by going to visit D15 during lunch and bring her lunch. When I blew up the other day about communication, coparenting etc I think it might have had a slight positive effect on him that he was not following through with what he had promised. H also told me that he received his paycheck and was going to the bank and see how he can transfer into our acct so I can pay bills. I thanked him for "taking care of it".
I am going to meet with 2nd L today for advice. Supposedly he is the best in this town (I guess that means expensive). I hate this stuff but I need to be ready in case. I also have read many sitchs where D's are almost final and the WAS has their awakening. I can only pray.
Need advice
First, work Christmas lunch is being held on Thursday, I signed up and making lasagna and now i see that OW has signed up also. When I had the argument with H I told him to tell her not to attend and H said he can't tell her what to do. (H is not going) In anger I said I then cannot be responsible for what I say then. I do not want to back out of this lunch. How should I handle it that day? What I would like to do is expose them (I can't), take her pie and dump it on her head (I would get fired), so I need some viable advice on how to handle this! I do plan on making one portion size of the lasagna (H's favorite) and just leaving it on his desk. I know OW will have a fit if she stops to see him. teehee. Help.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
