Partner left after 9 years - now what?

[AliSuddenly]

Hey guys.. Kalni.. no seriously! Not without the need for surgery

MrsM...very much so, my therapist said that his low self worth and self-hatred didnt feel it deserved the loving acceptance I showed him, so he rejected it/me. He did tell me he feels worthless, dead inside, so it makes sense, although I dont understand it! She said he sounds severly depressed and like he is not behaving rationally this year (like not letting me have his address, yet calling me most nights).

To exacerbate my sitch.. I found out something serious about his real self, hidden from everyone, at the 6 year mark and although he then went for C.. I dont think he can handle me knowing, as he needs a lot of therapy to get past it and he hasnt as yet. And he found it upsetting to talk to me even.

Mish.. I just have a lot of compassion and yes, love, for him not only becuase of what I know and his Dads death.. but because he made me very happy and was a loving kind partner. I cant fall back on any "I'm better off without him" thoughts, but I am without him. No, I wouldnt date! Falling in love is ok though

He didnt reply to my email today. I went to the shops and bought myself some flowers..

[AliSuddenly]

..I've got this sense that things are at a standstill, or an end, in my sitch. I keep talking, talking here, but thats for me, to deal with the fallout of what the last year has done to me. He hasnt contacted me now for 2 1/2 weeks. Other than hearing he didnt want to talk to his BMF, else it would "upset him", I am operating in a vacuum. Last Friday I had resolved to call him tonight if I hadnt heard from him, but then I forgot and I feel like I cant. How strange. Why cant I call this man I care about, that I have known since I was 24???

Becuase I lost it for 10 minutes in a layby and let him know I still care? That he said he found it hard to talk? That he would contact me when he got back, so I wait? Ok, enough musing..off to bed.

[mishka422]

Sleep well sweet Ali!

Question - how does one fall in love without dating? Just curious.

I'm definitely not saying you're better off without him. Just that you will be better for living your life the way you want to live it. If he pulls his crud together someday then either you will or won't be available to him. That is the future....live for now.

[RefuseToLose]

Ali, love.

Your 10 minutes didn't do it, Ali. He would have retreated regardless of what you did. Any sign of affection or caring from you would send him back into his "I'm unworthy of being loved" stage.

Take a little bit (but not too long, mind you) to mourn over this and then refocus and begin anew.

It is like a death and when we lose a loved one, we can either choose to wither and die to be w/them or live what life we have left while we're still here to enjoy it.

Be a bit sad, but then get your boots on and start walking again. If you do this, in no time you'll trade in those boots for your "Momma shoes" and go and tear the place up...along w/all the hearts inside the joint.

RTL

[MsMelancoly]

((Ali)), Refuseto lose is right (in all advise). You became to close to him & his comfort level (hence not knowing his address - he can remain a safe distance).

mishka, Nice to hear someone with the same theory. I might add maybe he was too happy & didn't know how to deal with it. Or maybe never found his own happiness & relied on others. My H's life has been fear, seeking approval & most of all being insecure. (My H's longtime BF mentioned the insecure - totally true). I laugh, when I think of when my H moved here. We would go to the store, he was practically walking in my shoes. One time when I stopped he ran into me, he was following so close.

You've been given ace advise Ali, take it & put on your boots!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey guys... Hmm.. alot of these WAS seem to share the same attributes! Fear Mrs M.. absolutely. My ex's greatest fear is rejection. My therapist said its textbook, he got you before you could get him, I really dont understand this, but an astrologer confirmed it about him too! Yes and insecurities,

Mish...love at first sight!! Happened to me at 18.. I saw my friend with her then exBF and it was love.. he had seen me and it was love for him too. She introduced us one lunch.. at the end of the hour, we were stood hand in hand gazing at one another, smiling, gloriously in love! She was trying to talk to us, but we couldnt hear her... Happened again with me ex.. when I first met him at work, I turned around and bam, it was love at first sight for him and for me, I remember thinking, wow, I'd really like to get to know him. Happened on two other occassions in my life too, one I moved in with 2 days after I met him! So, thats 4 times already in my lifetime. I've never dated...guess I'm an all or nothing kind of girl.

Funny..get yer boots on and get walking! Thanks Rob/MrsM/Mish, maybe I just need to keep my eyes open!

So...no reply from him to my email on Friday. What should I do ? Ring him?! Email again !? Nothing?

[mishka422]

I vote for do nothing right now Ali. Leave it in his court if you can.

Wow! Love at first sight? Never experienced that. Glad to hear it exists though, I always thought it was something of a tale people tell to justify moving too quickly into a R with someone they don't even know. I guess there is such a thing as kismet.

[naej]

Ali do nothing!
As for your love at first sight happenings,may I boldly suggest that after doing it 4 times(I guess they were all your soulmate) and still being single and now suffering terrible turmoil and grief,disecting blow by blow every detail of your b/f's life and your relationship together that maybe a 180 is in order.
Like letting a relationship mature and grow in the fullness of time, a looking before you leap.

" I've never dated...guess I'm an all or nothing kind of girl."
I guess nothing is what you get.
Ali you are no longer an impulsive teenager and maybe it is time to show some maturity in your choices and behaviour. I guess you are never far from a drama (indeed some people live their whole lives like this) if that is how you live your life but sometimes we need to do something different as per DB.
I hope when you re read your posts it will bring you some more clarity, hopefully about you and not just the x bf.
I say all this with your best interests at heart and hope you can see that.

[AliSuddenly]

I dont find your judgemental, overcritical posts helpful and you make many presumptions, so...

I had love at first sight when young, naturally it was exciting and I couldnt wait to leave home to live with him. It was amazing and I dont regret a second of it! The second time it happened, I moved in within 2 days, mainly because I was between flats at the time, but I ended up staying 2 1/2 years and I do regret that.

The third time, was my ex...we didnt get together for 3 years but were best of friends. When we did get together, I DIDNT let him move in with me for over a year. I guess we did date, but it didnt feel that way, as I knew him so well already before we began our R. The R progressed slowly, normally, maturely, I encouraged him to see his friends, have his own place. I kept up all my hobbies/friends. Eventually we did move in, again after much mature discussion and no, we didnt dive in in any dramatic fashion.

The fourth time was the EA... I didnt leave my ex for him, mature at last hey.

Two were NOT my soulmates. It was a lightning bolt when we met, but once I got to know them, I couldnt spend a lifetime with them and I dont miss them. The first love, I still love and miss him now and I told him a part of me would love him to the day I die, and that is still true. Same goes for my current ex.

When I say I dont intend to date.. I mean, blind, speed, internet or otherwise. If I had a chemistry, eyes lock across a crowded room etc, I would get to know them. Cautiously after what I have been through.

And no, I have had very little drama in my life and I dont like it. I am known as a quiet homebody by friends/family and I never argued with my ex in 9 years. No drama there. You said it took you 4 years to get over your exH...so excuse me for "suffering terrible turmoil and grief" this past year, as I am sure you did. Its like a bereavement and I am entitled to cycle over events, revisit, make sense of the meaningless, feel guilt, loss etc.. all normal for a grieving process and not something to be ashamed about?

[mishka422]

You know Ali, it sounds like you've had an amazing life so far and I can only imagine it will get better and better as time goes on.

and I never argued with my ex in 9 years.

I too never fought with my XH. The problem with that, as I realize far too late, is that we were holding back our true feelings and not communicating in an open and honest manner. Not fighting at all in a long R is NOT a good thing. It's apparent why you guys never fought, he couldn't honestly communicate and you didn't realize that he wasn't. He was just agreeable so you were "in synch". I understand completely! Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

I hope one day, in the FAR distant future I might meet someone I can have spirited debates with that wouldn't immediately agree with whatever I wanted and said. Something to strive for I guess.

You are great Ali! Keep it up! I sense the healing in you.