Yeah, so I totally knew you were gonna bust my chops for initiating. I know, I know. I actually do appreciate it. Eventually, your advice will get through my thick skull....
Dammit.
I think the biggest challenge for me is working with my "need to plan" personality. It is practically impossible for me to not schedule my time - especially during the work week.
And yeah, I should have just planned ot go to work tomorrow if he didn't call and said to Hell with it, he can reschedule.
I should have never called him. I should have let him call me.
Oh well. It's done.
And yes, I am questioning whether I want him back in a big way right now. I miss our old life, and I miss the person I thought I knew - but both options are truly dead. If we can recover from this, I will never be able to think of him as that same person again, and I don't much care for this new person.
It's funny, I looked at him on Sunday and thought that it's just him, it's just my same H. Same dopey smile. Same face. Same mannerisms.
But then there are days like today. Days when it's the alien I'm dealing with, and it makes me crazy.
And i do have to keep asking myself, "What self-respecting woman fights for a man who cheats on her?" Why would I want to be with him? Why would I want to run after someone who is walking away from me? Why should I think that this isn't just who he is. I mean, 11 years ago he kissed a girl he worked with after we'd been dating for three weeks. Then 4 years ago, he had something - who knows what - with a girl he worked with before we got married. And now here we are again - it's a girl that he sees when he eats lunch at work.
Short of putting him on house arrest, perhaps I am kidding myself here. I can't help but think that I deserve to be with someone that really does put me above all others.
And I can't help but feel like the pieces are coming together now. When he was acting crazy last Friday, calling every 5 minutes about Comcast or some other BS, he was at lunch.
Gee, I wonder where he was eating.
I'm sure all of his coworker-buddies know and think it's just great. None of them have any respect for women.
And now I see that his little hellhole of a place is a whopping 4 minutes and 56 seconds away from OW's restaurant. How convenient.
I can't help but feeling like I've been played for a fool - or rahter that I've allowed it. Perhaps I do need to just let go. I can't say that I'm hanging on right now because of love. It feels a whole lot more like anger.
I can't get it out of my head that I need to know about this girl. I need to know her full name, what she looks like, how her voice sounds, where she's from, where she lives, what her family is like.....
On and on. Ad infinitum, ad nauseum.
And then I want to know the real truth. How often he sees her. How many times he calls her. How often does he f*** her. How long has it really been going on. Does she know he's married. Does she know his little buddies.
And then I want to squash her like a bug.
At that point, I'd be done.
We'll see how it goes tomorrow. I need to do some serious praying tonight to help calm me down for when I see him tomorrow. The last thing I want is to explode on him. It would ruin my competative edge.
