Sticking to what I said is going to be extremely hard, but I know I have to do it. Looking back over the last year that has been a HUGE problem for me. I would always say things like well I am not going to talke to you..or I am done, or that won't happen again..you get the point and it ALWAYS happened again. I don't think he had much confidence in me to keep my word.
I always meant what I said and I stuck with it for few days sometimes weeks but when I didn't get the results I was looking for I just fell back into old habit really quickly. I never gave it another thought until I realized what I did and then I would do it all over again.
So many times I would hear him say.."yeah I heard that before"..and I would get so frustrated mostly with myself because I knew that I did that. I never did follow through. For things that were unnatural and painful I didn't want to let go. I clung and hung on so hard that I know I didn't allow him to see that we could have made a comeback.
This time I have to do this, not just for him, but for me. I need to prove to myself that I can do this. That I can let go even though I don't want to. I know I don't have a choice. He is going anyway. So hanging on isn't doing me any good. The fighting isn't doing me any good. The holding onto resentment isn't doing me any good.
If he can't see what I can. And he doesn't know what I know, which is that we ABSOLUTELY could have been fabulous together. If he doesn't have that awareness and willingess to see it I can not fault him for it. He just doesn't have it. And it is his loss. Its all of our losses.
He is a very intelligent man, I think he understands what I am saying, so to say he needs time to process it, I think is more of his way of saying he needs to see this in action to believe it. To hear the words doesn't really make an effect on him, yet, but when he starts to notice that I am not there telling him how much I love him anymore and that I want him back. And that I won't fight with him, I think he may be surprised. I think only then will he believe what I said. How that will effect him. I don't know. He may be relieved that I finally let go or he may not. That of course is something only time will tell.
As much as he tells me to move on, I secretely think he enjoys having me reinforce my feelings over and over to him. He doesn't have to return them but it makes him feel good about himself. Now he won't have that, he may just go out and find it somewhere else, and that will hurt. But I can't cry the way I do all the time. I want to enjoy life, not dread what is left of it because I lost my H and my marriage ended.
I still wish this wasn't happening and I wish I could do something about it, but I can't.
Thanks for being so great.
I hope one day I can return the favor to you. take care of yourself. You are an amazing woman.
