How to know when to let go PT2????

[sandi2]

Wow Kristi, don't make it sound like a good-bye letter to us too! We want you to stay with us, sweetie. You will need us to get through all of this.....b/c well b/c we are so terrific! Okay, not funny, but I am trying to get you to see that it is not over for you. Well, let me do my "Sandi thing" here:

That is not the person I was when we met and I do not want to live like that going forward.

Ahhhh, now I liked that statement very much! It showed a heck of a lot of PMA. That told him more than all the previous sentences before you said that. It tells him that you are not going to sit around on your backside crying a river over him and that you plan to start living again.....and it will be without him! Love it....I just love it, girl. You see, you do have spunk!

As of now, I no longer think of you as my husband, my lover, or the person who should be here with me.

You are now just ..., a man I loved more than life.

Yeah, that was good. It tells him what he has lost.

I say this so you know I am letting you go. You are out of my life as you wished.

Yep, it was his choice, glad you reminded him of that.

I thought the rest of it was a little thick, but that's okay, it was you and your way of talking and what you wanted to say. Now, the hard part, Kristi, will be sticking to your word. Can you do that? You must do that unless......unless he had a complete turn around and comes to his senses and wakes up and begs you to take him back and let everything else he has on the side.....go for good. And, I think he would have to prove it first. But that is just me.

He sent me back a text, saying he got it but needed time to process what I was saying. I thought it was pretty clear. I am not sure what needs to be processed.

Well, I use to not know this about men, but the truth is that they have to have time for it to soak into their minds what we women have said to them. After it soaks, then they have to let it stir around in there a while. Then finally after so long of a time, it dawns upon them what we were saying! That is what they mean when they say they "have to process it". Interesting, huh? The differences between the sexes. You know that science has proven that men are born brain damaged. It's true! I wouldn't make something like that up. I watched it on TV. That is why it takes them so long to figure things out......and to "process" what has been said.....especially by a woman.....and most especially if she is his wife.

I realized that I have suffered long enough.

It is called self survival, baby. You have got to get out and not let him pull you down with him and drown you both.

I know I will continue to suffer and I am sure that these next few weeks/months will be more than difficult because I still do not want him gone but I can no longer think of him as my H.

You probably have never spoken more truer words in your life. The next few weeks, and especially this time of year, may feel like hell on earth for you. It will take more strength than you have ever needed on your worst day. But Kristi, you have shown us, and shown him, that you can have that strength. You made the first move toward that strength when you sent that letter. Getting through it will be tough and I won't pretend it will be any other way, but there are a lot of women right here on this board that have chosen to do what you have. They have chosen not to be a pile of poop and instead they have decided to stand up and find their self respect and have some grit and spunk and go out there and get a life. "He is just a man"....that is right. He is just a man......you can live without him. You may feel that he is the very air you breathe, but he is not. You will find that out little by little and every day that you make it through without him and find out you can stand on your own two, very proud, feet.....you will learn to love Kristi more and more.

Whatever he does it is his life now, not our life. That concept is really hard to crasp. But I understand. It will hurt terribly to watch him move on, date and be happy without me. But I love him enough to let him go.

Yes, my darling girl, that really is true love. It is sad love, but given in the right way it is one of the greatest loves (outside of laying down your life) that I can see between a man and woman. To set the one you love free b/c he no longer wants to be with you, and know that it is going to hurt so much to see him happy without you.....that is love. You are being realistic to know that he will date and you won't be his life any longer....you won't be the most important person to him anymore....and yet you are willing to let him go b/c that is what he wants.....that is very unselfish love. But, it is also self preservation. As you said, you cannot continue the way you have b/c it is killing you.

I can't stand the person I have become. I was never so bitter or angry. I hate that I feel so dependent on him. I realized that I held him responsible for how our relationship would go. If he treated me great, I treated him great. If he treated me lousy or rejected me.. I did the same. I don't know that I did it on purpose, I guess I just realized that I did it because I felt if he isn't going to show me love then why should I show him.

But that is all in the past now. Learn from this experience and become a better person b/c of it.

He isn't coming back. He doesn't want to, and in all honesty I haven't given him any good reasons to come back. So maybe in time it will be different who knows. Maybe not. I guess we will just wait and see. But until then I have to find a way to stop thinking about him every minute.

Okay, for one thing, please stop beating yourself down until you will never be able to stand back up. You have punished yourself enough.....deal? Yes, you do have to find a way to stop thinking about him every minute. You know what that takes? It takes a lot of work! It takes planning for every thing in advance, so that you won't be alone when there are special events coming up, or you just know that you are going to have a lonly weekend ahead or just to stay busy. It means "forcing" yourself to get out of your comfort zone and go to some new places....and maybe even alone (which will feel scary...but fake it) and it means to learn to try new things that you haven't allowed yourself to do before. It means meeting new people and making new friends. That means that you have to be bold and not wait for somebody else to walk up to you....but instead YOU walk up to them and say, "Hi, I'm Kristi" and start from there. So many people are in that boat with you sweetheart. It doesn't take your pain away, but just know that you are not as alone as you may think. I don't know how many friends you have, but turn to the ones you have. If they are toxin to you right now....then don't get around them. If your relatives give you a hard time....stay away. Find people that make you feel good and energize you and help to build your self esteem until you are strong enough that you can do it on your own. If you are a Christian, go to a good church that will feed your soul and you will leave feeling great that you went. There are so many things out there, honey, that I want you to run after. Please, I beg of you, don't sit home and waste your life pining away for this man.

I know that my stitch is nothing like yours, but if I had the opportunity to have another chance at "life" and take all I could get.....I would inhale in for all it was worth. I went to the doctor today and he looked at me and I brust into tears. I could not even talk for several minutes. He asked me why I was so depressed and I finally told him b/c this desease has robbed me of almost everything in my life. My greatest fear is ending up completly bedfast. I had rather be dead than live like that. So, if you are healthy, go for the gusto, as they use to say. Enjoy life and all that it has to offer b/c you don't know when that may be taken away. Sorry, I didn't mean to have my own little pity party, I was just trying to make a point with you. I wanted so badly to try to tell you that your life is far from over. You are young and have many years ahead of you.....and hopefully, healthy and full of fun and loving years. That's all......just make every day count. Do the very best to be your best, Kristi. I believe in you! I know you can do this. I want you to take very good care of yourself. You come back as often as you need to and as many times a day as you need to and talk, vent, whatever......and we will be here for you.....okay?

Love,
Sandi