Carlos, JWM and Tawnya - thank you for checking on me. Sorry I have not been around, as you will see below (though I would not blame you for not reading the whole long post) I have had a bit on my mind these last two days.
Update:
I think I may have experienced a small breakthrough with H. I think it is a small step in the right direction.
Yesterday, on the advice of my DB coach, I sent H a "letter of release" by email. It was essentially a note identifying the things I think I did to contribute to the current state of our R, acknowledging how those things must have made H feel and telling him I am sorry. I sent it with no expectations.
24 hours later, H emailed me. It is the most open he has been with me about his own emotions for 16 months. It was a note of five paragraphs - a lot given my H. In the first paragraph, he stated that while he had felt and thought the things I indentified, since he has been living alone,with no one else around to blame (his words) he now realizes that he is not an easy man to live with. He said he did not want me centering all the guilt on myself.
The remainder of the note was H telling me that he is getting worse and worse. He recognizes that he is unhappy and that he does not see an end to it nor does he know what to do. He also said he knows now the cause is mostly the wrong career. Indicated a strong aversion to therapy but based on a misconception of what it is. Said he does not think it is good to see him these days because he has nothing to say. Knows he has to keep up the horrible work hours for a while but then says maybe January will bring good things.
I was stunned. I took it all in but knew I had to respond. I could feel it in my gut. I wrote to him telling him that I sense how much he is struggling and thanked him for sharing with me what must have been very difficult for him to say. I responded that I understood his feelings about not seeing him, but that I have no expectations of him and he need not have anything to say to me. That I care about him as a friend and think he could use a good friend right about now. I told him I was concerned for his well-being (all very bad DBing, I know, but my gut said do it). I asked him if it was okay for me to ask him to meet me for a walk in the woods or a coffee.
His response, while not specifically addressing all that I said, indicated it was fine for me to ask and that he will call me when he returns to town.
What I took away from this is that sometines I have to read between the lines. By this, I mean use what I know about H as a person to guide me. When he said he thought it was not a good idea to see him, that he had nothing to say, it occurred to me that he was thinking I would want to see him because I want something from him. That I want him to tell me what he will do about his problems. As soon as I assured him that I had no expectations, that he could say nothing at all, he responded that he would see me.
I tried this tack a few months ago. Shortly after he left, I wrote to him, asking him to let me support him as a friend and be there for him. He thanked me but declined, saying it was something he had to handle on his own, without me. Now, after an email full of my saying I am worried about him and asking him to let me support him as a friend, he has said yes to meeting me. I think this is a good sign. He could easily have insisted that it was not a good time to see him, as he stated in his earlier email, but he did not. I also think it is a step in the right direction that he no longer blames me alone for the state of our R and has identified his career as a major factor.
My goal now is to be a good friend to him. To reach out to him on a regular basis for walks. (I will reach out because the depressed person will not do it). I know he likes nature and I have read that men do better talking if they are active at the same time. I think he may have finally opened the door just a crack to let in a friend. So I will be that friend.
Just wanted to share the events of the last couple days.
