God grant me the patience and the strength...9

[theotherhalf]

I am so frustrated. Honestly. I really don't know what to do anymore.

Him spending all that time here for mostly a month. It was hard. Frustrating. But I really enjoy having him here. I admit. When he leaves I don't handle the rejection well at all. It's like when he goes back to his place he slams the door on me again and we are back to the same place as a year ago. So I ask questions, apply pressure, etc... Then he came back, again. This time things were even better. Then he left again, and the avoiding was worse, the coldness worse. Then after all this time (I believe a couple of months or little less) he goes to her, again. AHHHH!?!!?

I don't do well at leaving him alone. I don't know how to act when he is here. Him being with another woman while still M to me, seperated or not is morally wrong to me. Period. It hurts and angers me to my core.

I know I need to set boundaries, but which ones? I want to be that lighthouse, but how do I do that and not allow him to use me and disrespect me. I do not want to D this man. I don't want to push him to file. But SOMETHING has to change.

I think I need a map. Pictures. and a play by play. I feel so stupid and pathetic. But I really am trying to do my best here. Some things I JUST KNOW won't work for H or us. Others I just don't know how or what to do.

I'm sorry