Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

I just called H. Told him I wasn't doing well. I know that is so NOT DB'ing. We're going to talk on the ferry home. I know I'm going to try to reason with him and beg and he'll walk away and I'll be devastated. I'm so not OK. I sit here at my desk quietly crying like a pathetic idiot. I feel like I'm dying inside. We've been together for 27 years! I don't want to live my life without him! It's no wonder he doesn't want me! I'm impatient and an emotional basket case!

[yellowrose]

SC

Okay so he said he doesn't feel anything anymore. If I could have a nickel for all the times my H said that to me, I would be rich!

In his mind he might feel that right now. They stuff their feeling for us deep inside so they don't have to deal with it.

IMO, I wouldn't mention D anymore. I would not volunteer to file. If it does come down to it let him do all the work. You don't want this.

I would talk to the C about you kids and telling H how they feel. Yes their feelings are very important.

This is my feelings. I would go dim for a while and not contact him. Let him miss you and the kids. I did this and it did take a while. My H felt less pressure and then didn't feel like I was chasing him anymore. After his MLC he did tell me that he got really scared that he was going to loose me. So I guess it did spark something in him.

Like I have always said each person it different, each MLC is different. You need to do what is right for your sitch.

You are in my prayers.

Y

[Silent Chrleader]

So, who re-initiated the communication in your sitch, YR?

Our C says that he doesn't think this is "just MLC". So, I am so confused on what to do. H says he will still go to the ranch for X-mas as a family as we planned. But, he says that he's not moving back to the house as we planned at the end of January. So how are we going to get the work done on it to sell it? We can't afford to pay 2 mortgages AND a rent payment!

He's throwing away ALL we've worked for!

[yellowrose]

SC

My H initiated the contact. It was little by little. He would call every once and a while over stupid things. Then he would stop by without any notice. I left the ball in his court.

I know what you mean about them throwing it all away. I told my H the same thing. We worked together all those years to get to a certain point and in 2 years time he put so much debt on us it was horrible. I let him dig himself out of that one too. I was bearly hanging on financially and I wasn't going to let him take me down too.

Let all of this fall on his shoulders and let him decide what to do about the houses.

Y

[Silent Chrleader]

How is it possible to be alive if your heart stops beating?

H and I talked for the hour long ferry ride. He said he doesn't love me and hasn't "for a long time". He says he even remembers being in his bunk on the submarine as it pulled into port thinking that he didn't want to come home. That's at least 11 years ago. So, this isn't MLC. Our whole life together was a lie.

I don't think I can make it through this.

[yellowrose]

SC

What your h is saying is so typical of MLC. My h told my S when he was going through MLC that he hadn't loved me for a long time and that he wanted out of the M before my S was born. That was 25 years ago!

I would stop the R talk with your h for now. He isn't ready to hear any of it. It puts pressure on him and has a tendency to make them think of hurtful things to say so they don't feel so guilty.

Y

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, {{{YR}}}.

You have no idea what a special support you have been to me. In my RL, there is not one person who understands how I feel, or my desire to hang on.

At least my H has agreed (with the kids as witness) that we will sell both houses (including the "ranch") to make the split "easy" at least financially. I have told H that I will get an apartment for me and S17, so H can live in the house and do the work that needs done to get the place ready for sale (won't that be fun for him!). I also told H he needs to call and get the "ranch" put up for sale tomorrow. He said he would....

I'm going to get the ball rolling tomorrow to open a bank account for myself and make sure my bonus goes in there so I have control. I told H that since he's the one that wants this, he has to take over the logistics of it. I'm sure he won't appreciate me segregating my money, because he didn't do that, but that's too bad. He's the one who wants out, so he can have the discomfort of having to ask me for money.....(is that a mistake do you think?)

H did come home this evening with me to meet with the kids and hear what they had to say (without the C there). Kids spoke calmly and H listened but didn't comment. Just sort of "I accept that's how you feel...."

I also talked to MIL, whom H has not talked to but I have kept in touch with. Told her to let family know I love them and always will consider them family.

So, I'm giving H what he wants. And I'm thinking I better up my AD (I already have approval from my Dr.). Because right now, I'm feeling pretty frickin' suicidal! Better living through pschotropic pharmaceuticals!!

I HATE THIS!!!!

[Treese]

What is FB???

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Treese!

FB is Facebook.com

[Silent Chrleader]

Stayed home from work today. Am going to the bank to open my own account. Looking at apartments. I'm making a fresh start! Leaving H to deal with the crap! Financially we are going down the tubes. Right now, I don't care. I'm going to get a nice apartment that I am compfortable in using part of my bonus. I know H won't like that, will want me to get a cheap place so we can pay ranch and such longer. But, I am through worrying about maintaining "our dreams". I have been holding down the fort and letting him do whatever he wants for 9 months now. It's my turn to be "selfish"! I don't care if the bill collectors are knocking down our doors! Let him worry about it! I don't care!

I care about me and my kids. That's it!